So with the date now booked for baby’s birth, the countdown to the end of pregnancy is on! This pregnancy has been much better than my first. I am not on crutches and am much more mobile than I thought I would be. I am nowhere near the zombie I was when I was pregnant with Monkey, so I am doing well…. but I am still looking forward to not being pregnant anymore. I know how lucky I am and am grateful every day for this baby, I am glad she is safe and well in my tummy and I hope she continues to be so for the next 3 weeks, but….
I just don’t enjoy being pregnant.
There, I said it. I know some women get a pregnancy glow and feel wonderful when pregnant. I know some women love the additional curves they get when pregnant. I just don’t feel that way. I feel better than I thought I would. Because I am much more mobile than I was in my first pregnancy I haven’t put as much weight on this time round (plus I was a bit slimmer to start with, which has helped). But I still don’t feel like me.
Part of this is because of my SPD/PGP, which while not terrible at the moment, is still uncomfortable and restrictive and because it started at about 6 weeks pregnant I’ve had reduced mobility for about 7 months! It’s also because of just the size you get to when pregnant. Not because I want to be uber skinny, or look like a model (never gona happen) but I don’t enjoy being this big, because I like being an active mum.
Another reason I don’t feel like me is pregnancy brain! I just feel vacant sometimes. Does anyone else feel like that when they are pregnant? Sometimes I am normal. Other times I try to be involved in a conversation but it’s like my mind is a blank. The words go in one ear and out the other and I have no opinion. Nothing to say. I feel so dull! I struggle to blog some days because of this too. I can have a great idea then when I have time to actually write it down, I have no idea what I wanted to write. There has been some dead boring posts lately and for that I apologise.
I am grateful for this pregnancy going so well and I can’t wait to meet our baba…. but I am looking forward to being me again.
What I miss:
I miss being the kind of mum that can run around the garden with Monkey.
I miss being able to just pop to the shops without having to strap myself up with support belts and psyche myself up for the trip.
I miss not being able to just run the hoover round or run around and clean our house.
I miss not being able to lift anything, even the laundry basket!
I miss being able to just get up off the sofa without having to haul myself up with a huge effort.
I miss being able to crawl around the floor with Monkey to play trains etc.
I miss sleeping on my back – my hips, shoulders and back just don’t enjoy sleeping on my side!
I miss being able to use my brain, whenever I want, rather than sometimes feeling like part of my brain has been switched off.
I miss having more choice over my outfits. I am running out of clothes that fit but there is no way I am buying any more maternity outfits now!
In fact I miss my normal body (and smaller boobs!) I look at my body in the mirror and if you take my head off, it could belong to a complete stranger.
Now, I am not daft and I know that the day of my C-Section in a few weeks time, a magic wand is not going to be waved. I am not going to get all of these things back immediately. I have C-Section recovery to think about for a start, I certainly won’t be running or leaping or lifting for a while post-surgery. My tummy isn’t going to pop back and be miraculously flat within days (or even weeks). My brain isn’t going to jump back to full speed straight away (especially with the sleep deprivation baby will bring!). My boobs are not going to shrink, if anything they are likely to get bigger if breastfeeding goes well as they got huge last time.
But I guess from that point on things will gradually get better.
I will gradually get more and more mobile and within a couple of months I should be able to be that active mum again. I will be able to run around with Monkey. I will be able to clean the house or pop to the shops at the drop of a hat.
I will eventually get my body back to a level I am happy with. I’m not in any rush for this particularly as there will be more important things on my mind with a new baby, but eventually I will get there.
I will eventually, hopefully, be able to hold a proper conversation. To write the blog post that I want to write, rather than a lacklustre version.
We put ourselves through a lot with pregnancy, mind, body and soul. It is. of course, totally worth it to create a life and to grow our family. But I am glad this pregnancy is nearly over. And I am glad I will soon be feeling more like myself again!