Diets and Crochet

I’ve been a bit quiet on here lately and I thought I would explain why. It is largely because I have finally got back into doing my crochet! I did loads when Monkey was little but after making my Granny square blanket I set my needles aside. Then LM was born, and well I haven’t picked them up again, until now. So my word of the week, is Crochet.

Hub’s mum has a gorgeous ripple blanket I always admire and I have loads of wool hanging around so I thought I would have a go at making my own. I have to admit that after a long break I could not remember at all how to crochet. The first evening involved a lot of false starts and head scratching and you tube watching! But once I remembered how to do it, I was on a roll. I’m following the fab tutorial from Lucy at Attic 24, though using different colours.

It was slow going on the first evening!

It was slow going on the first evening!0

One of the reasons that I have chosen to pick the needles up again now, is because I have also started a new diet, and doing the crochet keeps my fingers occupied so I am less likely to stuff my face of an evening!

Now, I know that I wrote recently that I am who I am, and that I was going to stop trying so hard to change myself all the time. Now, I do stick to that and I know I am never going to be super skinny or lose my curvy shape. I am trying to be kinder to myself in all areas. But, and there is a but, the trouble with the “I’m happy as I am” philosophy is that it can sometimes lead to a change of a different kind. As in the scales moving up, kind of change, and that’s not what I want either. So I needed to make a change.

A good friend of mine is a big advocate of the 5:2 diet, where you fast (only eat 500 calories) on 2 days of the week and then eat a normal amount the rest of the week. Now a normal amount isn’t the same as what I was eating before, believe me. So anyway I decided to give it a try.

I’m finding the fast days pretty easy to manage so far, which surprised as I thought I may get really hangry! I still have eggs for breakfast, a big bowl of soup for lunch and a carrot and a little hummus later. It’s not loads but it seems manageable.

What has also happened is that I have really paid attention to what I normally eat. The amount of food that I hoover up off the kids plates, treating my body like a human dustbin, with the argument “I don’t like waste” when really it is pure greed. So let’s just say that even on the non-fasting days I am eating a lot less than I was!

It’s been 2 weeks and so far I haven’t really lost any weight (possibly due to a rather boozy night in london last weekend) which is demotivating. I’m really not a patient person at all, and especially with diets. After Monkey was born, I went on a diet and lost quite a lot of weight, really easily to be honest. It was brilliant. Since LM it has not happened that way at all. Every pound lost has been hard-won and put back on almost immediately which has been hard. I know that in truth I’ve given up too easily each time, so I am determined nor to give up this time.

Not sure shots are ever advised on a diet??

Not sure shots are ever advised on a diet??

There are bound to be ups and downs and I need to find a balance between enjoying myself on the rare occasions that I go out, and not berating myself for that…. But also expecting that that will slow down my progress. I have to stop comparing this weight loss to the diet of a few years ago as clearly my body is different now. As a slight aside I was reading a really interesting article (I know, I know, apologies that it is from the Daily Fail, but it is interesting!) the other day about diets based on the bacteria found in your gut, as there are bacteria that are super efficient at extracting every calorie from food, and other bacteria that are less ‘good’ at that so help you not to gain weight. Fascinating and a reminder that we know so little of the way our bodies work and the reasons things are different for different people.

I’m not about to get my poo tested though, so for now I’m just going to stick with the eat less and move more philosophy. And to help with that, crochet in the evenings or whenever I am tempted to eat out of boredom rather than hunger!

I have to admit I am rather pleased with my blanket so far, a long way to go but it is really getting there, LM seems to like to it too… Though Monkey is moaning at how long it is taking to finish haha.PhotoGrid_1487322124286

Do you find it harder to lose weight than pre children or as you’ve gotten older? Any hobbies that help you?

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Goals for me in 2016

Most of my posts on here are about our family life and the kiddies especially. Inevitable really as they are the most important things in my life but for now I thought I would write a little post about me. I’m not particularly setting new years resolutions as I don’t think you have to start something new just because it is the new year. The being said there are changes that need to be made and things about me that I want to focus on and now is as good a time as any to start.

Diet and exercise
Yep, starting with the obvious one. I have been eating way too much for quite a while, even before Christmas and have definitely not worried about indulging over the Christmas period. I am not beating myself up over this, life is too short and I have enjoyed myself. But, and there is a but, I am not happy with the added weight I am carrying at the moment.

Our scales broke a while ago and we haven’t replaced them so I don’t know how much I actually weigh (I find it better to judge based on how my clothes fit anyway) but I am carrying it a bit differently at the moment. I’m pear shaped and have always carried extra weight around my hips and bottom. Now though, I guess as a result of being stretched from having 2 children I am very much expanding around my middle and ooh do I hate it! I have been wearing legs and tunics and dresses loads as it is more comfy than squeezing into jeans and it is time to tackle it. I’m a big believer that if you are unhappy about something then you are the one who needs to change it. So that is what I am going to do. No matter how much I enjoy eating, I don’t enjoy carrying around the extra weight so need to change.

Of course the main thing is going to be watching what I eat again. I have done weight watchers before and find the points really help me be aware of how much I am eating etc. so I will be doing that again. No fad diets here, just sensibe eating. Exercise is going to play a big part too though. My friends and I have been swimming once or twice a week for a while (thank goodness or I don’t know how huge I would be) so that will continue and I want to make it a definite twice a week thing. I also want to do more yoga or pilates as I really need to strengthen my back.

I’ve always had a few problems with my back, especially my lower back but since having kids my upper back can get terrible too. (All the carrying and stooping over etc.) It gives me horrific headaches from the referred pain and I know I need to work on strengthening my core and my whole body. There is a great pilates class nearby I was supposed to start a couple of months ago but, well, it hasn’t happened. The first week I didn’t go as LM had croup, the next week hubs Grandpa died that day, then I was ill, then I was preparing to host hub’s grandpa’s wake, then Monkey had croup, then I did actually go but the woman running it had the flu and cancelled the class! Then I was out for a meal and then it was Xmas week and they closed. So it has been a catalogue of disasters but I really want to try and go in January.

I’ve also been wondering how I can squeeze some yoga in to my day as I have a couple of good dvds and even 10 mins of good stretching here and there would be better than nothing. Every evening at the mo hubs does bath time with the kids and because I am shattered, unless I am sorting laundry I am generally lying on my bed playing candy crush until LM gets annoyed and I play with her while hubs carries on bathing Monkey. I am trying to make this a bit of yoga time instead and I have managed 2 days so far! Hopefully I can improve on that and hopefully it will contribute to me feeling better, fitter and stronger.

Postnatal Depression
I haven’t talked about it much for a while because I have being doing so much better on antidepressants but the time has come where my doctor has suggested trying to see how I feel about coming off them. There’s no rush obviously but it has been over 6 mths and I guess you don’t know if you don’t try, right? So she has suggested taking them on alternate days to see how I feel. I started this right before Christmas and sadly it didn’t go well. I would skip a tablet and feel fine all that day, but the following morning I was feeling very stressed again. I wondered if it was psychosomatic but I would have thought that if that was the case then I would have felt anxious on the day I skipped a tablet, rather than 24hrs later?

Anyway I got quite anxious and stressed and after a chat with my husband, who was concerned about the way I was reacting to things, we decided I wouldn’t try this until after Christmas. Christmas can be stressful enough as it is and he didn’t like seeing me reacting the way I was when things were at their worst. I am trying again now though and so we shall see how things go this time. If I react the same way again then I will tell my doctor that I don’t feel ready yet, as I don’t want to pressure myself into coming off them until I am ready.

I also hope to make a bit more time for me and my friends this year as it is all too easy to be consumed with family life, though I know it does me the world of good to just be me from time to time. It’s a difficult one as my kids are the most important thing in the world to me but I know it is good for them to have time with their Daddy and with their grandparents and good for them if I feel fresh from having a break. The doesn’t always make it easy to leave them though or take away the guilt when Monkey gets sad about me going. Which happens.. even some time afterwards and even if he had a lovely time at the time, he just comes out with the fact that mummy going somewhere made him sad. Talk about pulling my heart strings! But I know he has so much of me that it isn’t a bad thing for me to do things for myself sometimes too.

As for the blogging…. I um and ah about it a lot and think about stopping but the truth is enjoy it. I am always thinking about what else I can blog about. I am never going to be a huge blogger, I just don’t have the time or energy. I don’t contact pr companies or fight to get what I can… If someone would like me to review something and it is something I would genuinely use then I will review it. Otherwise again I just don’t have the time or energy. But that’s OK because it is a hobby I enjoy and the rest doesn’t really matter. I am going to make more of an effort to engage with the blogging community though and my favourite bloggers in particular. I can be very insular by nature and tend to hide away rather than joining in with things but this can mean I miss out so I want to try a bit harder with that.

I am also going to try and be a bit more organised. While Hubs has been off we have done a lot of sroting round the house, the loft and garage are much more organised as are many of our cupboards and the conservatory is possibly the cleanest it has ever been. So this should help. I have aso been rubbish at doing things like sending thank you cards over the past year which I hate so I am going to try and be more organised in that respect too.

So I say I am not setting new years resolutions… but I guess I am. I just hope that they are realistic and achieveable though rather than pie in the sky objectives that will fall by the wayside after a few months!! Over all I think I just want to be happy this year and I hope that by making a decision to change the things I dislike that I can achieve that and feel better overall.

Are you setting yourselves any resolutions this January? What would you like to achieve over the next year?

Time to get back on track..

This is my first weight loss update for a while, mainly because my efforts have stalled somewhat. For a while I was doing really well and a few weeks ago I finally hit the 12stone mark! Hooray! Meaning I have lost a stone and a half overall since Christmas, which I am dead chuffed with even though I still have a way to go.

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Bluebells & Birthday Celebrations

There’s lots of reasons why I love this time of year, the blue skies, warmer days, the bright colours to name but a few.. But there are two particular reasons too. One is because it was my birthday (on St George’s day to be precise) and the other is because of bluebells. This weekend I got to celebrate and enjoy both.

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There is a lovely wood, very aptly named Bluebell Woods, not too far from us. Walking distance in fact, though quite a long walk with a baby and toddler in tow (around 6 miles round trip). I love going there at this time of year but don’t always manage it with one thing or another. This year I was determined so on Saturday we headed over, we could have driven but decided the walk would do us good and we had the buggy board in case Monkey’s legs got tired.

WP_20150502_11_08_14_ProIt was a lovely walk.. although the bad luck I had last week continued somewhat and first of all the buggy board broke. Like I say it’s quite a long walk for a toddler so this wasn’t great. Thankfully I managed to rig up a twig and a hairband to hold it in place!

The bluebells didn’t disappoint and there was a sea of them carpeting the hillside in the woods. Just beautiful and lovely to show Monkey too.

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We carried on our walk until hubs started struggling with the buggy… and we realised we had a puncture. A good 3 miles from home. Joy! The walk abruptly ended and hubs ran/power walked home to get the car while I dragged the buggy to the nearest road (thankfully not that far from where we were) and waited for him to come and collect the kids and I! Hey at least we got to enjoy the bluebells :)

Then on Saturday night it was the night I have been looking forward to for some time, my belated birthday night out. I’ve been out for dinner with the girls a few times since LM was born but hubs and I hadn’t been out together since my friend’s wedding in August and for my birthday I wanted us both to enjoy a night out with a group of close friends and family.

WP_20150503_00_33_15_ProMy lovely Mum kindly agreed to babysit and I had been looking forward to it for weeks! I had a lovely new top (in the sale at Oasis) which cunningly cinches in at my thinnest bit then hides my wobbly tum, and all my dieting helped me squeeze into my new skinny jeans. Love this outfit!

I curled my hair with the new curling wand I got at The Gadget Show and though it took me a long time as it was my first go (like an hour and a half, way longer than I normally spend beautifying myself) I was dead chuffed with the results (thanks to the youtube tutorials that showed me how the heck to use the thing!). The curls stayed in all night and it was just lovely to feel like me rather than just Mummy for a few hours.

So many lovely friends and family came and it was lovely to catch up with everyone, have some yummy food, drinks and giggles. I even got to have some yummy cocktails, yay! i’m not sure how we managed it either but miraculously neither hubs or I had particularly sore heads the next day either. We were both a bit tired as we didn’t get homeuntil 1230 ish, which is way past our normal bedtime, but not much worse than normal actually. So hooray to that!

birthday celebrations

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Sticking to the diet – 5 weeks in

When you embark on a new diet it is easy to be gung ho and positive and stick to it. I always find that at the start of the diet a bit of weight comes off quite easily so you feel great about it. But as time progresses it gets harder and harder sticking to the diet. The weight loss slows down and there are more and more temptations in the way. I guess that is why so many of us are yo yo dieters and why fad diets appeal to us so much. A long term, slow, steady, diet is much harder to stick with.

I am at that point. I am sticking to the diet but it is oh so hard right now! Last week we were on holiday. We were staying in a self catering cottage but I didn’t want to do huge amounts of cooking. So with lunches out and some posh (ish) ready meals it got really hard to keep track, and keep in control, of what I was eating.

Labels on supermarket foods were helpful of course so I chose the healthiest options of meals that I could, and we had picnics for lunch on a few days where I kept my food simple with sandwiches. But the lovely small cafes and tea rooms we found in the gorgeous Yorkshire towns and villages don’t exactly share their nutritional information so it is not always easy to work out the healthiest choices. (Was it cooked in butter or oil? How much oil? How calorific is the dressing? Is it full fat mayo etc.)

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ooh the temptation!

The other side of it is that we were on holiday, and holidays are normally a time for treats aren’t they? With hubs not on a diet and a Monkey who adores going to a cafe for tea and cake, temptation was frequently in my path. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself as I did not give in to temptation very often. The occasional taste of hubs’s cake, one lunchtime I had a real treat of baked camembert (yum! thankfully dinner that night was a low point meal!) and I had 1 or 2 biscuits over the week.

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Beautiful beach… but all I see is my thighs!!

At times it wasn’t easy and I so wanted to give in, but I still have my goal firmly in sight. If anything actually, seeing the photos of myself that we took throughout the week helped remind me why I am sticking to this diet. I just think I look awful! My hips and thighs are huge!

While some of this is my shape, I will never have skinny legs, I know this by now, I also know that I want to be slimmer than this. So that is what is motivating me to keep going. The weight is coming off slowly, my tummy is definitely smaller than when I started, hooray, but I definitely have work to do yet!

mmmm

mmmm

It was actually my birthday while we were away too and hubs really wanted me to relax and treat myself, and I did a bit, as we shared a yummy cream tea and I had a glass of wine that night… but I just don’t want to indulge in the way I normally would. My desire to be happier with the way I look is stronger than the desire to indulge. I want to see the pictures of me with the kids in gorgeous places and not cringe at the way I look.

We have come home and I am feeling demotivated again as after a quick jump on the scales I haven’t lost any weight. I am still on 12 1/2 stone, exactly where I was 3 weeks ago, the scale just hasn’t moved :(! I feel I have tried so hard to be good all week and we have done so much more exercise than we normally would. With all the sightseeing, walking up and down hills pushing the buggy and carrying the kiddies… yet nothing :/. I need to not let this get the better of me so I thought it was time for a red shorts photo to remind me of how far I have come since January when I originally started (I got sidetracked along the way and started again properly 5 weeks ago).

When I started, at 13 1/2st13 stoneNow at 12 1/2st

The first shot was when I started, at 13 1/2 stone, and the second at 13 stone and the third was taken today and I weigh 12 1/2 stone.

I have come a long way, and I need to not let the scales demotivate me. I am losing weight and I will meet my goal of 11 1/ stone. It may just take me longer than I would like! I think I was massively over optimistic when I started this that I would lose the weight by my birthday night out next week … But I am not giving up – I am determined to see it through to the end!

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No more excuses

At the beginning of the year I wrote about how it was time to make time for me. To take a bit better care of myself, to lose weight and basically find some me time. We are now nearly a quarter way through the year (bonkers eh?) and it is safe to say that is not happening at the moment. With Monkey and mostly baby LM, I am continually pushing myelf to the bottom of the priority list.

The diet has stopped as I have been too tired, too poorly, too busy, etc. etc. I don’t like the way I look in most of my clothes as I am larger than I want to be and I don’t want to buy new clothes because the truth is I won’t be happy whatever clothes I am in as I know I am bigger than I want to be. I am lazy and I am making excuses not to look after myself. I only wash my hair a couple of times a week and because I can’t always be bothered to detangle the frizz it very often gets scraped into a bun and stays that way until I next decide it looks too greasy to be acceptable. Some days I don’t even straighten my fringe as if I know I am not going anywhere then who cares whether my fringe is all kinky and sticking out. Well, I should, I think.

It’s not just me, hubs is the same. He let his hair and beard get so long he was looking a bit scruffy (sorry hubs but you know you were) and he hasn’t been to the gym or cycled to work in ages. We put the kids needs above our own (of course) and in our free time prioritise jobs around the house (and I do prioritise the blog too) over taking time out for ourselves and making even a little bit of effort over how we look and feel.

We convince each other that it is ok too, we buy crisps and chocolate and bad things and tell each other we deserve it, that it’s temporary because we are going through a hard time. That it doesn’t matter. But the truth is, it does matter. We matter. Making time to feel good about ourselves does matter! I am feeling so low so much of the time and I think it’s all a symptom of the same thing. Yes babies are hard work and yes I am tired all of the time but I am dragging myself down instead of lifting myself up. If that makes any sense?

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So, together, hubs and I are refocusing on the diet. He doesn’t need to lose as much weight as I do but some of his clothes are getting tight and it’s more about our frame of mind and we need to support each other through this. We need to encourage each other to look after ourselves. We usually take it in turns to do the 530am start with LM (yawn) but at the weekend we got up together so that hubs could cut his hair and beard before Monkey got up and the day fully started.

On Monday we started counting our WW points again. Just to remind ourselves what we are putting in to our bodies and also, hopefully, to lose some weight. There are no excuses this time. I have had a couple of difficult days this week where LM’s screaming has dragged me down and I have been a mess at times. But I haven’t given in. I am a huge comfort eater but I need to remember that it doesn’t solve anything and while it may make me feel better in the uber short term, longer term it does not help because I don’t like the way I look or feel.

I will never be skinny but I want to be me-sized rather than big for me-sized. I don’t want to feel so wobbly and squeezed into clothes and I don’t want to buy bigger clothes as they will just be masking the wobbles and I know I still won’t be happy.

We have a goal in mind too. It is my birthday at the end of April and at the beginning of May we have arranged a babysitter (thanks Mum) so that hubs and I can go out together with a group of our friends. It will be the first time since the wedding in August, I think, that we have had time out of the house as a couple without the kids and will do us both some good to be out with friends and out with each other. So the goal is that by then we are looking and feeling better about ourselves.

LM getting into a routine would undoubtedly make this task a lot easier, but (while I am still going to keep trying to get her into one) I am not going to use her lack of a routine as an excuse for eating rubbish and looking and feeling rubbish anymore. No more excuses.

Starting weight is 13st and I am aiming for 11 1/2 st, but as I have said before it is more about how my clothes fit than what the scales say.

Wish me luck!

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Postnatal Yoga and my Weight Loss so far

I am nearly one month in to my weight loss journey, and well it’s been a bit up and down to be honest!

Diet

I am following the idea of the original Weight Watchers plan. My MIL had all the books and paperwork which meant there was no cost involved, and I am not a huge one for joining groups. Hubs introduced me to WW when  I wanted to lose weight after Monkey and I found it worked really well for me.

I like to think of it as an everything in moderation diet because nothing is completely off-limits. You get a points allowance (much like the current WW system) and you work out how many points are in any food and then you can add up how much you are eating throughout the day to meet your allowance. Points come from calories (70 calories per point) and saturated fat (4g sat fat per point) and your personal points allowance is calculated using your current weight, height, activity level etc.  I am not sure how the current system works but I think it takes more nutritional values into consideration than just calories and sat fat.

The reason it worked for me so well the first time was because it really made me pay attention to what I was eating, and how many calories were in everything I ate. I could still eat anything I liked but when things have a points value associated with them, and you have daily total, I found that I would make healthier choices, eat foods with lower points, as it meant I could eat more throughout the day.

I did really well on it the first time round and had high hopes it would be pretty easy again but it has been a bit harder so far. I started off really well and according to the scales lost about 5lbs in the first week. then things  very much leveled off, even though I was still following the same plan. I have written before how I am not relying totally on the scales as I am not sure how accurate they are as a measure, and how for me, it is more about how I fit in certain items of clothing.

The trouble is though that it is easy to feel disheartened when the needle on the scales stops moving south. It is easy, when feeling disheartened, to go off the rails a little, and I have definitely done that a few times. I could make excuses, we still have a very small baby, I am still shattered after being up in the night with her and then looking after her and a toddler every day… and they are very true, but that is how I got overweight in the first place and not good enough reasons for going back to old habits.

The good news, I have lost weight. I can now do up my red shorts – I mean they are still ridiculously, uncomfortably tight but I can do them up, which I could not even nearly do 2 weeks ago. So regardless of what the scales say, I have lost inches and I need to focus on that.

.    red shorts 2    now

Not exactly a huge difference from 2 weeks ago but hey it is a start!

Exercise

I have been walking more and I went to a postnatal yoga class last week which was really good. My back has been terrible over the last month or two, so when I saw the taster session for postnatal yoga I was immediately interested. The class was great, the instructor took things very slowly and said it was all about rebuilding the strength in our muscles. The exercises (mainly breathing exercises) were very simple but effective and I could feel them working.

The downside? Little Miss. The idea is that you take your baby to the class and they will either doze to the side or happily gurgle at you while you do the exercises and at times you can include  them in the class. Most of the other babies there did that, LM ooh no. She wanted feeding shortly after the class started – not easy to lie down doing back strengthening breathing exercises when feeding a baby! Then she needed burping, then she wasn’t happy on her back. Out of the hour long class I got to do about 10-15 mins of the exercises and was watching the rest of the time. Better than nothing and the one exercise I remember does help when I find the time to do it at home.

I would love to carry on the class but with LM having no routine at the moment I don’t feel like there is much point. I don’t want to pay for an hours session if I can’t actually do the exercises. I know she is only a few months old and a few  people have said I shouldn’t be impatient, it is just what a baby is like and I get it, but it is hard to carve out time for myself when every day is so totally different. I keep changing my mind whether to join up or not, and, well I shall keep you posted I guess. The other option is to get a dvd I can do at home but it is very difficult to know which one is good. Any recommendations for a gentle post-natal exercise dvd, please share it!

I need to concentrate on strengthening my back though as it has gotten worse this last week. For a few days my whole left side has been very painful, from my neck all the way down to my knee. My knee especially has been agony at times. Hubs has regular physio for his back and because I was so uncomfortable he looked after the kids for me on Friday afternoon and gave me his appointment. It definitely helped and is all just stemming from my issues with my lower back, so I really, really have to make time to work on it if I want things to improve. I shall keep you posted with how that is going!

I need my body to be strong again and carrying excess weight isn’t helping either so I am re-doubling my efforts to stick to the diet – and I need to ask hubs to stop tempting me with offers of my favourite naughty foods in the evenings. I actually crochet-ed some baby booties for LM recently and concentrating on something and keeping my hands busy definitely stopped me snacking so much, so I think I need to crochet some more things, if only for that reason lol!

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My Red Shorts

I wrote recently about how I am trying to lose weight at the moment, in an effort to getting back to being me. To feeling like myself again. The diet is having ups and downs, good days and bad days but I am not stressing about the bad days. I am trying not to be too hard on myself or trying to do this too quickly. I am a pretty impatient person and want results yesterday, but I know it is going to take time. It is not even 3 months since I had a baby and my body is still recovering. I am walking a lot more and trying to build my fitness up a bit. This week I am also trialling a post-natal yoga class as my back is killing me at the moment and I would be interested to see if that can help.

What has any of this got to do with red shorts? Well, as part of the not pressuring myself I am trying not to base my idea of weight loss success purely on the scales. According to the scales, after 5 days of dieting I had lost 5lbs but then 2 days later on the same diet I was back up to my start weight again. Very demoralising. But, actually, I feel like my clothes are not quite as snug as they were before I started this diet so I do think I am on the right track, whatever the scales say. I always find clothing the best way for me to judge my weight, just because there can be so many fluctuations on the scales.

I have this pair of red shorts that I have had for over 10 years. They have been all over the world with me and I have worn them at different weights and they have gone from being loose to tight to loose to tight as my weight has fluctuated. They are now completely battered and mainly used for doing things like painting or dying my hair but they always help me judge what size I am.

red shorts

As well as tracking my weight loss, I will also be periodically checking how my red shorts fit me to hopefully keep my spirits up along the way! This photo was actually taken a few days into the diet when I had lost a few pounds, but, well, as you can see, they are extrememly tight, and I cannot remotely do them up!

red shorts 2

I doubt I will ever be out and about in them again (note the paint stains) but hopefully my red shorts will fit me again at some point, then I will know I have achieved my goal size and am back to feeling like myself!

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