Starting my running journey with the couch to 5k plan

I’m not a natural runner. I was rubbish in PE and I like my food. I’ve openly laughed at runners in the past, thought they were potty and that that would never be me. But I’ve just run 20mins straight for the first time in my life, and no I wasn’t being chased! I chose to do this and I am actually enjoying it. Here’s the beginning of my story.

I’ve really struggled with my weight since LM was born. I’ve stopped writing about it because I haven’t managed to stick to anything. I’ve gone back and forth between dieting and convincing myself that this time I was going to do it, to saying I wasn’t going to diet because I don’t want my kids to see me obsessing about food so I was going to concentrate on exercise instead. But my swimming petered out, and I had to stop the Zumba dvd because it was giving me niggly pains in my hips and back (presumably left over from all those pelvis and back issues in pregnancy and generally just having no strength in my muscles). So what to do?

I still felt unhappy about my size but didn’t want to keep moaning on about it. Dieting wasn’t working as so much of our social life revolved around food and I am clearly weak willed. I thought about starting running, but I am really not a natural runner. I tried for a bit with a friend when Monkey was little but only half heartedly. I constantly came up with excuses not to go and then when I got pregnant with LM that was the end of it.

As the weather started warming up though I thought about trying again. For one thing, it is free. I have trainers already (that I’ve had for over 10 years and have only seen sporadic use, I’m ashamed to say) and I could just go. I don’t have to drive anywhere first as there are lots of places around that I can run. I mentioned the idea to one of my sister in laws, the lovely Fran, and we decided to go together. Fran works different shifts so we were a bit intermittent but we did it, we started. There was lots of walking interspersed with running but we were slowly improving. It was also nice to catch up, have a natter or a vent, and to encourage each other. It was great when we could do it together, the problem was when Fran was working and I tried to go on my own to my own. Then I just felt utterly useless.

I would still try but it was so hard to motivate myself. I felt horribly embarrassed if I had to go past someone and felt I must look so stupid, with my flab wobbling everywhere and being so out of breath after only a few seconds. I would try and keep running until they were out of sight then stop, gasping and panting and coughing and feeling useless. When no one was around I would run for such short distances as my legs felt like lead and the negative little voice in my head kept telling me to stop. I felt so deflated and negative and we on the verge of giving up, but I really didn’t want to. I thought about the couch to 5k type thing but didn’t know much about it. A friend then suggested I try it after I shared how useless I felt with my running and I decided it was worth giving it a try.

There are loads of apps and plans out there all called the couch to 5k but I decided to go with the NHS version. I downloaded the podcasts and went for it. It starts off so slowly and because of the bits of running I had done with Fran, I was able to do the first runs quite easily. I felt so positive after that first run, even on my own and I really enjoyed it. Hurrah!

I persuaded Fran to follow it with me for our run that week and also continued the plan on my own when she couldnt join me. Our holiday was coming up but I was determined not to stop, and to stick to the plan while I was away. I managed 5 runs across the couple of weeks I was away and was sending texts to Fran while I was away to motivate us both as she was running at home when she could too.

“just been for run no. 2 and actually pushed it a bit at the end and ran for over 2 mins solid, helped that it was downhill but still it felt good.”


“I did it! 5 min walk, 90s run, 90s walk, 3 min run, 3 min walk, 90s run, 90s walk, 3 min run, 3 min walk! It was hard work and my legs are sore now but I am so proud of myself. Could never have run for 3 mins when we started!! Yay :D”

“So I was supposed to run yesterday but didn’t fancy the downpour! Was really hard to motivate myself today as still chilly and damp but I did it and ran for over 3 1/2 mins solid on my last leg, wahoo!”


Running there was great and it was through such beautiful countryside, I absolutely loved it. Most of the start of my run was uphill but the way back was downhill which definitely helped. So much so that although I completed week 3 when we were down there I did another run of week 3 when we got home before moving on to week 4 to make sure I could hack it without a big downhill stretch. I managed it and so felt really good despite not losing any weight on holiday. In fact I put weight on which was a bit disappointing but figured that was due to the amount that we ate while we were away. Still, I wanted to keep going at home and try and eat a bit healthier too. I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I was looking forward to Fran being able to join me agai but while we were away she fell and sprained her ankle. She wasn’t going to be running anytime soon but I knew I just had to keep going. Excuse the language but here is another text I sent once we were home

“F**k me, just done the first run of week 4, 16 mins running in total. A 3 min, a 5 min, another 3 and another 5. Was really nervous but I did it! Bit knackered but after the warm down walk actually not feeling as bad as I thought I might! Xx”

I still had days where my legs felt like lead and I felt so tired. I realised that in my eagerness I was running every other day and had done so for over a week. The plan is to run 3 times a week with at least 1 days rest in between, but I was getting up to 4 runs a week, so I decided to have a couple of days off. It did me good as week 5 was a real step up.

Me on a run in my dodgy running gear!

Me on a run in my dodgy running gear!

I went from running for 3 mins to running 5 mins, to running for 8 mins, which I was so nervous about but then so proud when I managed it. Annoyingly though, the podcast cut off during the second 8 min run for some random reason and it really affected my rhythm. I tried to keep going and check the time on my phone but it was really hard. Those negative voices in my head came back, telling me my legs were tired and that I couldn’t do it… and I tailed off just after 6 minutes. It’s amazing how my fitness has come on and now my buggest hurdle is, as they say on the podcast, mental rather than physical.

Instead of focussing on the negative I reminded myself that a run is a run and it’s still good for me. It isn’t all about hitting the targets. They are a good motivation but not the reason I am doing it. I have come so so far since I started. I feel substantially fitter and I have had a few comments about looking a little slimmer which is nice. Unfortunately the scales aren’t showing this, but hopefully my muscles are growing as I burn fat and that is keeping my weight the same? No idea on the science of it but I am clinging to that as I am trying so hard to eat healthily and am running 3 times a week. I do feel slimmer too.

20160802_182318The last run in week 5 was the one I was most nervous about, running for 20 minutes straight. Surely not! Already? But I decided I just had to go for it, and actually, surprisingly, it was easier than I thought. I think with the shorter runs I am constantly thinking about when I am going to stop, but with this I knew I just had to keep going, so after the first few mins (I always find the first few mins the hardest) I just kept going. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, but it also felt awesome that I was able to do it.

I actually felt like a real runner, for the first time. Not just some daft fatty making a fool of herself which is how I felt in the early days. I honestly never thought running would be the right exercise for me, but I think it just might be. I may also buy some better running clothes as so far I have been running predominantly in a pair of hubs old shorts that are covered in paint from decorating and whatever top I am wearing that day haha.

Are you a runner? Have you ever tried the couch to 5k programme?

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My Weight, My Body Image and My Kids

Like many women, my weight is something I think about a lot. We are all a bit obsessed by it aren’t we? I have never been skinny and never will be, it’s just not my natural shape, I have wide hips and sizeable thighs. That’s just the way I am… but I could be slimmer, and healthier, than I am.

Even at my slimmest I still have big hips but this is the size I am happiest at.

Even at my slimmest I still have big hips but this is the size I am happiest at.

I lost a lot of weight when Monkey was little and that was the size I feel happiest at. Second time round though I am finding the weight much harder to shift. I have a proper shelf above my c section scars which I can’t stand and for the first time in my life have a properly wobbly tummy in addition to my big hips and thighs despite trying to diet a few times.

The trouble is that I really enjoy food and food is a pretty big part of our lifestyle. We love days out as a family visiting National Trust houses and going for country walks and these outings often include visits to a cafe for a hot drink and cake or something energy boosting, especially in the winter months. Because we are parents and don’t get out much, our social life often includes having friends or relatives round for a takeaway. In short we often use food as treats for ourself, which isn’t really that healthy I suppose, but it is fun.

Hubs and I are also dreadful comfort eaters. When one of us is poorly or we’ve had a rough day with the kids we rarely drink alcohol and are far more likely to pop out and buy some ‘naughty’ food like bags of crisps or chocolate, as we don’t generally have them in the house.

In many ways I don’t think any of this is too bad as I do believe that you can eat everything in moderation. We eat healthy meals and snacks as do the kids so the treats aren’t the worst thing in the world. I do want to lose weight but I am struggling with balancing my enjoyment of food and having the motivation to lose weight.

So I started to think of my kids. Of what I want for them. I started to think of using them as a motivation for losing a bit of weight. I don’t want them to grow up with an overweight mummy who is over indulging without a care in the world. I don’t want them to grow up over indulging and piling on the pounds either. But the more I thought about it the more I changed my mind about what I want for my kids.

Do I want them to have a mummy who is slim-ish but who is also constantly obsessing over the scales and worrying what she puts in her mouth? A mummy who is counting calories and denying herself yummy food for fear of putting extra weight on. A mummy who hates looking in the mirror and who berates herself for eating anything remotely indulgent. Do I want my children to do that to themselves? No, I don’t.

I want my children to be healthy and confident. To know they are beautiful and for them to be healthy and strong. To eat a balanced diet and be happy in themselves. So how to strike that balance?

There is a family round the corner from us who we call ‘the fit family’ and they are all so fit and healthy they have two teenagers and they all run and cycle and are clad in lycra for much of the time. Now I am not about to go and buy us all lycra yet but they are a bit of an inspiration. Because what I want is for our kids to grow up understanding healthy eating and exercise and the best way to do this is by leading by example.

So while I am trying to make sure I am eating healthily I am also trying not to worry too much about what the scales say and how many calories or fat I am eating. Instead I am focusing on how much exercise I am doing, and how much the kids see me doing. I have been swimming a couple of evenings a week for some time and I want to keep that up but I am also making sure that I don’t just limit my exercise to the times when the kids are asleep.

I have done my yoga with them in the room, which does make it interesting as there is a little face appearing next to mine at times, but it is lovely seeing them copy the moves. It was especially hilarious when they were doing it in the middle of the ikea warehouse!IMG_20160227_203029

I’ve also bought a Zumba dvd to do at home. I often end up dancing round the living room with the kids dancing along to cbeebies or a nursery rhyme dvd, so I thought I would try and step this up a bit. There are times when the kids are playing happily and I can pop it on and have a dance around the living room. It is great exercise and great fun and the kids can join in a bit by having a dance with me which is lovely.

IMG_20160310_162024We spend a lot of time outdoors and LM is as keen as Monkey to walk everywhere herself and we are happy to encourage that. Monkey can walk a really long way and at a pretty decent pace for his age and LM is keen on strengthening her little legs too. They both love running about like all kids do too. I’m obviously not about to become obsessed by how much exercise they are doing as that would be daft, but I do want exercise to be just a part of everyday life for them. We are making more of an effort to get them both swimming (more on that in a later post) and I would love to get Monkey riding his bike this summer so we can go on family bike rides.

As for me, well it’s hard to change a habit of a lifetime. I am not going to suddenly be amazingly happy with my body. But I can try and keep my insecurities hidden from the kids. I’ve always been a big believer of “fake it till you make it” and hope that by acting body confident, one day maybe I will be an did it won’t be an act anymore. I also hope that all this exercise pays off so I can be stronger an more toned.

On the food side of things, the summer will see us taking more picnics out with us, which will in turn mean less cafe and cake trips. I do think we have some work to do to change our attitude to food and stop relating it to happiness or comfort…but that is going to be a heck of a change to make, and not something I expect to happen overnight. Gosh if I’m honest we enjoy it so much I am not sure we are ready to try…. One step at a time but we will try as I do also worry about how we use food as a reward or for comfort and how that affects the kids long term…. But for now exercise is the main focus as well as continuing to eat healthily most of the time, so we can continue to have our treats.

So this week I have done my Zumba dvd and even been to aquafit with a friend. I am using my fitness tracker a lot to keep an eye on my activity levels and am doing as much as exercise as I can. The difficult bit may be keeping up with this… But I am going to try really hard,if not for me, for my kids.

My word this week is exercise.

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The Fitbit Charge HR – a review

I have been intrigued by fitness trackers for a while but had never taken the plunge and wasn’t really sure what they would do for me and my lifestyle. When Fitbit asked if I would like to try out and review their new Fitbit Charge HR, I thought it was time I gave it a go, especially with my aim of getting fitter and healthier this year.

The Fitbit Charge HR

The Charge HR is the latest fitness tracker from Fitbit and what distinguishes it from its peers is the fact that it has a continuous heart rate monitor, making it more accurate in tracking your activity. In general it monitors your heart rate every 5s and when you set it for exercise it monitors every second. It comes in a variety of cool colours, and can be used to track steps taken, calories burned, steps climbed, your heart rate and how well you sleep.

Opening the box

20160202_121754I was so excited when the box arrived and couldn’t wait to give my new Fitbit Charge HR a go, but with the kids running riot it had to wait until nap time so I could concentrate fully. Once I did, I have to admit to being a bit confused and frustrated at times. There were no real instructions in the box other than a card telling you to go to the website to set it up. So I got my laptop (thinking I could charge the Fitbit at the same time) and went to the website given. Where I was told to download the app first. So I got my phone too and downloaded the app and started the registration progress. This irritated slightly as if you have to do it on the app why not just send me to the app rather than tell me to go to a website which then sends me to the app?

Anyway then I was filling in all my details etc but the app couldn’t find the Fitbit because it had no power…so I started charging it using my laptop. It struggled to find the Fitbit whilst it was charging so had to unplug a few times. Then it wanted to update the firmware on the Fitbit but wouldn’t do that while the tracker was charging. But the app also wouldn’t let me continue until this was done. So I have to admit I got mightily frustrated at the inability to just get it sorted. I could have been charging the band while the kids were around so it was ready to go, but I know from other trackers that some come with at least a partial charge, and you plug them in to your laptop at the right time in the setup process.

So basically, it would have been much more helpful if there were some simple instructions in the box. eg. 1 – charge your Fitbit, 2 – download the app on your mobile device and follow the instructions from that point on. It may sound obvious to some but as mentioned I know other trackers come charged and with set up via a computer so I think it would be sensible to let you know that this isn’t the case.

One other thing I struggled with was knowing how to wear the band. Again this may sound incredibly daft and obvious to some, but I was confused. I know some bands are designed so you wear them with the screen on the inside of your wrist but I don’t know if all trackers are designed this way? So I didn’t know which way round it should go on my arm. I also wasn’t sure whether it should go on your non dominant arm or whether it didn’t matter. As it turns out you can set it to whichever arm you prefer – but again simple instructions about this in the box would have helped me work this out as I didn’t know if it would work as well the way I was wearing it. Some googling resulted in me finding the full manual online which was really helpful. I am not suggesting they send this out with every one but I would have thought the basics such as how to wear it may be worth including, or at least a link to follow to find the information. (A later note to this is that when hubs linked it up to his phone to have a go with it, the app did show how you should wear it, but because I had so many problems with the set up and charging the band, my app never got to this point and it still didn’t mention which arm etc.)

How it feels 

The Fitbit Charge HR sits on your wrist like a watch and to me it feels ever so slightly plasticky on my skin. Though it wasn’t uncomfortable I definitely needed to give my wrist a break at times (as Fitbit recommends anyway) and I didn’t like sleeping with it on (to track my sleep) as it would often have ended up in an uncomfortable position by the morning. This is just personal preference though and I sleep pretty well anyway so the daytime tracking is more useful to me. It is as adjustable as a watch strap which is good and even though it was the small band, both Hubs and I were able to wear it. On the whole though it just feels like you have a watch on so is pretty innocuous as you go about your day to day activities!

Wearing my fitbit on the pre-school run

Wearing my fitbit on the pre-school run, as you can see, Monkey approves haha

Screenshot_2016-02-08-21-46-53How it works

There is definitely something very cool about fitness trackers and being able to keep an eye on your activity levels throughout the day. It is very satisfying to see that step counter go up and it definitely motivates you to move more on your less active days. The button on the side of the Charge HR makes it very easy to scroll through all of your statistics and a simple flick of the wrist lets you know what time it is, very handy.

The app is also really clear and easy to use and as you can see from this screenshot, it is easy to check at a glance what you have done so far. I also found the band very quick to sync with the app which I really liked.


Comparisons to other trackers

There are a couple of things I have noticed, in comparison to other fitness trackers, which I thought worth mentioning here as it is difficult to talk about what this does and what I do and don’t like about it, without explaining my point of reference. My husband has the Microsoft Band which he has been using for quite some time and I have recently purchased a fairly basic Polar Loop band. There are obviously lots of other brands and types of tracker out there but I can only compare the ones I have seen and used. They are in quite different price brackets too which is worth bearing in mind when you read the following points as the Microsoft Band retails at around £200.00, the Charge HR around £100.00 and the Polar Loop around £40.00 (all prices approximate depending on where you purchase them from!).

Screenshot_2016-02-16-20-38-50In many ways the trackers are similar and do the same jobs, but there are differences good and bad, and differences which are neither good or bad I guess and would just come down to personal preference really!

For example each of the trackers seem to measure your sleep in a slightly different way, but essentially they all do the same job, by showing you how much sleep you have. The Microsoft Band is probably the most comprehensive showing your light sleep, deep sleep and the amount of times you woke up. The Polar Loop shows you your restful sleep and restless sleep though what it defines as restless sleep is actually awake time. It doesn’t have a heart rate monitor like the Microsoft Band or the Charge HR do so I guess it is inevitably less accurate in that respect. The Charge HR is similar to the Microsoft Band and when worn at the same time gives very similar results, showing awake time, restful sleep and restless sleep.

Wearing two bands on one wrist but getting different numbers of steps!

Wearing two bands on one wrist but getting different numbers of steps!

The difference in step counting between the three trackers is interesting too. The Charge HR always seems to register that we have done more steps than either the Microsoft Band or the Polar Loop, even when both are worn right next to each other on the same wrist which we have found fascinating. It is difficult to tell which is the most accurate, although I believe the Charge HR is (not just because it says we have done more lol) as we have both felt at times that our respective bands don’t always track steps accurately when we are pushing the buggy or a trolley as our arms are obviously not moving very much. Whereas the Charge HR does seem to register steps on these occasions which is obviously a big plus and so hopefully that and the combination of the heart rate monitor means that it is the most accurate of the three.

At the end of the day I don’t think any step counter is going to be accurate all the time but does it actually matter? In general you will only be wearing one band and as logas you are comparing the number of steps according to that tracker then you will still get a feel of whether you are doing more or less than normal etc. So even if the numbers are a bit out it doesn’t really matter.

You can set goals on each of the bands and what I love about the Charge HR is that you can set the goal that is right for you. It is automatically set to 10,000 which I think works as a good base line, but if that is unachievable for you (hubs has his Microsoft Band set to 6,000 as being in the office all week he rarely reaches even that let alone 10,000) you can set it lower, or if that is too easy for you then you can set it higher. The Polar Loop in comparison only has set targets and the lowest is 12,000, a target I hardly ever achieve, which isn’t very motivating. Achievable limits are so much more motivating, you want to push yourself a bit but setting a target you will never reach is just daft I find.

The battery life of the Charge HR seems to be really good nd it definitely lasts longer than either of our other bands. It also only takes an hour or two to recharge which is great and gives your wrist a rest from wearing it all the time.

The Charge HR is splashproof, as is the Microsoft Band, but that is it. The Polar Loop on the other hand is waterproof and suitable for swimming. It is possible to add swimming as an activity on the Fitbit app, but that seems to be a fairly inaccurate way of measuring the activity as it obviously can’t really tell how much effort you are putting in to it unless you have a different tracker to measure the swimming and add that information to your Fitbit app… but that does seem a bit daft!

It also only recognises certain activities – this seems to be the same with the other trackers in our house too as they haven’t figured out what we are doing when we use the exercise bike, Cycling outside they understand because they can use the GPS tracking.Inside though when you aren’t moving and your arms are static… nothing is registered. It is again possible to add it as an activity, but it is a shame it doesn’t have a way of recognising it.

The Microsoft Band has a number of other functions too which is what makes it’s higher price point worthwhile, as it can be fully linked to your phone and can give you alerts etc. The Charge HR does have a degree of this functionality too though and can buzz and alert you when you have a phone call, and can also give you a silent alarm, which would be very handy for getting up in the mornings (if you don’t have small children who already wake you up at an ungodly hour!)


There is no doubt in my mind that wearing a tracker on your wrist makes you move more than you would otherwise. So many times I have walked a slightly longer route to take more steps. I move faster to bring my heart rate up and I walk instead of taking the car to the local shops, especially on days where I haven’t moved as much. There’s something about competing against yourself, and I know of others who compete against each other too to see how many steps they take and that definitely adds  a level of fun. So it really is possible that wearing a band will improve your fitness.

PhotoGrid_1455655060484Regarding the Charge HR itself, I really like the funky colour as it makes it look a bit different. I also like the display and the fact that the button you use to see all of your stats is very obvious and easy to use (some trackers the buttons are a bit more temperamental or more hidden). The graphics are easy to make out and I love that with a flick of the wrist you can see the time at a glance – it really makes the Fitbit Charge HR feel equal parts watch and tracker, and I do love efficiency! The other functionality and connecting it to your phone too really adds to that.


I really like that the Charge HR monitors your heart rate and I do feel this helps with the accuracy of its tracking. I imagine this to be very very useful when you are exercising frequently too. It is really cool to know when your heart rate is in the fat burning zone, and for the really fit out there it can show you when you are in peak burn. A great way to see how your hard work is paying off.. or push yourself to work that bit harder.

Monitoring your sleep is fascinating. I am a good sleeper and tend to have large chunks of the night when I am in deep sleep. My husband on the other hand sleeps terribly, and this explains why he is so tired all the time and we are making some changes to see if it helps him (reducing caffeine late in the day, eliminating light in the bedroom etc.) and being able to track his sleep makes it easy to see whether these changes make any difference.

I have mentioned above a few niggles with setting up the Fitbit Charge HR, but they were easily sorted or are personal preference. The one real negative for it though in my opinion is that it is not waterproof. It is splashproof… but I can’t wear it to go swimming. As I try to swim twice a week this is a real bug bear for me. You can add it as an activity via the app but it seems to just be an estimation of what you have done unless you are measuring exactly how far you have swum etc… which is a faff. So a large amount of my activity isn’t registered by the tracker. If you don’t swim for exercise though this obviously wouldn’t be a problem so again it really is a matter of personal preference.

On the whole I think fitness trackers are great and I do love the Fitbit Charge HR, I just wish it was waterproof! Please make a properly waterproof one next time Fitbit!

Disclosure: I received the Fitbit Charge HR in return for publishing this review. All opinions and photographs are my own. 

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Goals for me in 2016

Most of my posts on here are about our family life and the kiddies especially. Inevitable really as they are the most important things in my life but for now I thought I would write a little post about me. I’m not particularly setting new years resolutions as I don’t think you have to start something new just because it is the new year. The being said there are changes that need to be made and things about me that I want to focus on and now is as good a time as any to start.

Diet and exercise
Yep, starting with the obvious one. I have been eating way too much for quite a while, even before Christmas and have definitely not worried about indulging over the Christmas period. I am not beating myself up over this, life is too short and I have enjoyed myself. But, and there is a but, I am not happy with the added weight I am carrying at the moment.

Our scales broke a while ago and we haven’t replaced them so I don’t know how much I actually weigh (I find it better to judge based on how my clothes fit anyway) but I am carrying it a bit differently at the moment. I’m pear shaped and have always carried extra weight around my hips and bottom. Now though, I guess as a result of being stretched from having 2 children I am very much expanding around my middle and ooh do I hate it! I have been wearing legs and tunics and dresses loads as it is more comfy than squeezing into jeans and it is time to tackle it. I’m a big believer that if you are unhappy about something then you are the one who needs to change it. So that is what I am going to do. No matter how much I enjoy eating, I don’t enjoy carrying around the extra weight so need to change.

Of course the main thing is going to be watching what I eat again. I have done weight watchers before and find the points really help me be aware of how much I am eating etc. so I will be doing that again. No fad diets here, just sensibe eating. Exercise is going to play a big part too though. My friends and I have been swimming once or twice a week for a while (thank goodness or I don’t know how huge I would be) so that will continue and I want to make it a definite twice a week thing. I also want to do more yoga or pilates as I really need to strengthen my back.

I’ve always had a few problems with my back, especially my lower back but since having kids my upper back can get terrible too. (All the carrying and stooping over etc.) It gives me horrific headaches from the referred pain and I know I need to work on strengthening my core and my whole body. There is a great pilates class nearby I was supposed to start a couple of months ago but, well, it hasn’t happened. The first week I didn’t go as LM had croup, the next week hubs Grandpa died that day, then I was ill, then I was preparing to host hub’s grandpa’s wake, then Monkey had croup, then I did actually go but the woman running it had the flu and cancelled the class! Then I was out for a meal and then it was Xmas week and they closed. So it has been a catalogue of disasters but I really want to try and go in January.

I’ve also been wondering how I can squeeze some yoga in to my day as I have a couple of good dvds and even 10 mins of good stretching here and there would be better than nothing. Every evening at the mo hubs does bath time with the kids and because I am shattered, unless I am sorting laundry I am generally lying on my bed playing candy crush until LM gets annoyed and I play with her while hubs carries on bathing Monkey. I am trying to make this a bit of yoga time instead and I have managed 2 days so far! Hopefully I can improve on that and hopefully it will contribute to me feeling better, fitter and stronger.

Postnatal Depression
I haven’t talked about it much for a while because I have being doing so much better on antidepressants but the time has come where my doctor has suggested trying to see how I feel about coming off them. There’s no rush obviously but it has been over 6 mths and I guess you don’t know if you don’t try, right? So she has suggested taking them on alternate days to see how I feel. I started this right before Christmas and sadly it didn’t go well. I would skip a tablet and feel fine all that day, but the following morning I was feeling very stressed again. I wondered if it was psychosomatic but I would have thought that if that was the case then I would have felt anxious on the day I skipped a tablet, rather than 24hrs later?

Anyway I got quite anxious and stressed and after a chat with my husband, who was concerned about the way I was reacting to things, we decided I wouldn’t try this until after Christmas. Christmas can be stressful enough as it is and he didn’t like seeing me reacting the way I was when things were at their worst. I am trying again now though and so we shall see how things go this time. If I react the same way again then I will tell my doctor that I don’t feel ready yet, as I don’t want to pressure myself into coming off them until I am ready.

I also hope to make a bit more time for me and my friends this year as it is all too easy to be consumed with family life, though I know it does me the world of good to just be me from time to time. It’s a difficult one as my kids are the most important thing in the world to me but I know it is good for them to have time with their Daddy and with their grandparents and good for them if I feel fresh from having a break. The doesn’t always make it easy to leave them though or take away the guilt when Monkey gets sad about me going. Which happens.. even some time afterwards and even if he had a lovely time at the time, he just comes out with the fact that mummy going somewhere made him sad. Talk about pulling my heart strings! But I know he has so much of me that it isn’t a bad thing for me to do things for myself sometimes too.

As for the blogging…. I um and ah about it a lot and think about stopping but the truth is enjoy it. I am always thinking about what else I can blog about. I am never going to be a huge blogger, I just don’t have the time or energy. I don’t contact pr companies or fight to get what I can… If someone would like me to review something and it is something I would genuinely use then I will review it. Otherwise again I just don’t have the time or energy. But that’s OK because it is a hobby I enjoy and the rest doesn’t really matter. I am going to make more of an effort to engage with the blogging community though and my favourite bloggers in particular. I can be very insular by nature and tend to hide away rather than joining in with things but this can mean I miss out so I want to try a bit harder with that.

I am also going to try and be a bit more organised. While Hubs has been off we have done a lot of sroting round the house, the loft and garage are much more organised as are many of our cupboards and the conservatory is possibly the cleanest it has ever been. So this should help. I have aso been rubbish at doing things like sending thank you cards over the past year which I hate so I am going to try and be more organised in that respect too.

So I say I am not setting new years resolutions… but I guess I am. I just hope that they are realistic and achieveable though rather than pie in the sky objectives that will fall by the wayside after a few months!! Over all I think I just want to be happy this year and I hope that by making a decision to change the things I dislike that I can achieve that and feel better overall.

Are you setting yourselves any resolutions this January? What would you like to achieve over the next year?

Time to get back on track..

This is my first weight loss update for a while, mainly because my efforts have stalled somewhat. For a while I was doing really well and a few weeks ago I finally hit the 12stone mark! Hooray! Meaning I have lost a stone and a half overall since Christmas, which I am dead chuffed with even though I still have a way to go.

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Remembering my first pregnancy and struggling with SPD


Approx. 8 months pregnant

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, we are starting to think about having another baby. This has got me thinking about pregnancy and taken me on a little trip down memory lane to what my first pregnancy was like. Before I got pregnant I have to admit that I was a bit judgemental about women who had difficult pregnancies and thought seriously how hard can it be? One of my best friends had such a smooth pregnancy and I naively thought that every pregnancy was the same and that it was a lovely happy healthy time where women bloom.

Then I got pregnant, and oh how wrong I was and how I regretted being so judgemental in the past!

It was difficult from the off as I had really terrible morning sickness (more like all day, every day sickness) and just crippling exhaustion that made me feel like the living dead. I was useless at work (not great when you have just been promoted) and had so much time off sick. I also had to stop driving after a while as  this zombie-ness really made me feel unsafe on the roads, and after a few too-near misses I eventually stopped driving (and I love driving so I just wasn’t myself at all). This led to me feeling very depressed and in the end I was signed off work until my maternity leave began. I was already planning to leave at the very earliest point you can take maternity leave, but I finished a few weeks before that in the end as I was seriously struggling to cope.

As I started to feel a little less exhausted and sick, the slight nagging pain in my pelvis that I had ignored started to get steadily worse. I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction), which is due to the pregnancy hormone Relaxin. This is supposed to help your bones and ligaments make room for the baby, but unfortunately in some of us, this hormone causes our pelvis to relax too much, causing a lot of pain as the join at the front of your pelvis (the symphysis pubis) pulls too far apart. I saw a physio who told me to keep my knees together at all times during my pregnancy, and she even suggested I tie my knees together overnight so they didn’t come apart while I slept. Climbing stairs was a nightmare and soon just walking was agony, even at snail speed so I ended up on crutches. I wasn’t even allowed to go swimming as my pelvis was too unstable.


Monkey trying to get out the wrong way! Two days before birth

The other issue we had is that apparently I have a bicornuate uterus, which basically means I have a sort of heart shaped uterus and makes a breech birth much more likely. We didn’t know this at the time and did all sorts to try and turn Monkey (including the doctors trying to forcibly turn him, which we couldn’t possibly know would never work as he was stuck in one side of my uterus). So all plans of a nice water birth went out the window and we had a caesarean, which is how they saw that I have a bicornuate uterus.

Of course I know that in many ways we were very lucky, Monkey had no problems at all, and there was no scary risk factors in terms of either his life or mine and of course I would rather feel some discomfort than have any more serious problems. But from start to finish, it wasn’t great. I can truly say I never got the pregnancy glow that people talk about and I’m not looking forward to going through it again. Hopefully the nausea and exhaustion won’t be as bad next time. I won’t be working silly hours in a stressful job so I definitely have an advantage there. Plus that kind of thing can vary a lot from pregnancy to pregnancy so fingers crossed I won’t feel so bad second time round. Because of my strange uterus I have a 50/50 chance of another breech baby, which would definitely mean another caesarean, so we will just have to wait and see with that one and I guess what will be will be.

On crutches at a wedding - look at the size of me!

On crutches at a wedding – look at the size of me – approx 8 months pregnant.

But the SPD, by all accounts is likely to reappear. I have heard that not everyone gets it again, but in most cases if you have had it once you are apparently likely to get it again, with the symptoms appearing sooner and progressing faster, so I have that to look forward to! I still get the odd twinge every month before my period so I have to prepare myself for the worst I think (then I may get pleasantly surprised, who knows?), but  I am doing everything I can to try and prepare for it though. I was a bit overweight before I even got pregnant last time, which can’t have helped, so I have been steadily trying to get healthy before we start trying again. I am quite a bit lighter than I was last time so hopefully that will help by putting less pressure on my pelvis.


My exercises, stuck on the wardrobe to make sure I do them!

I also know the exercises I need to do to strengthen the muscles supporting my pelvis (the transverse abdominus and pelvic floor) and my new year’s resolution is to start doing these exercises every day so that I am in the best shape possible before I even get pregnant to at least try and limit the damage! I will also know what it is next time, so unlike last time where I ignored it for a while, and then tried to push through the pain and carry on as normal (apparently completely the wrong thing to do!) I will listen to my body and take it easy when I need to. Even though I will hate to do it!

I am worried about what all this will mean for Monkey, as he is such an active child and loves going for walks or running about, and I love doing those things with him. My best Christmas present is a nice pair of winter boots to keep my feet warm as we spend so much time outdoors! How is that going to work if I end up on crutches again? How will I keep him safe if I can’t run after him should he make a dash near a road? He is pretty good but you can never be too careful. If I have to stop driving again because I don’t feel safe how will we get to baby groups and go on play-dates?

Both sets of grandparents have already offered their assistance and I know will help out as much as they can. Hubby has also said that he will work from home more if he needs to so that he can help out. But I know that no matter how much help I get, I will struggle with the fact that I am not able to be the mummy I want to be, even if only for a few short months.

But needs must, and it was worth all of the hardships last time to have such a gorgeous little man at the end of it, and I’m sure it will be worth it to have another gorgeous little baba in my arms one day. Fingers crossed that all goes as well as can be hoped for!


mummy mishaps