I had a really lovely week this week. We are all well again after being poorly and it has just been nice and relaxed and Monkey and I have had a lot of fun. But, for some reason, I have woken up this morning with my negative head on. Does anyone else ever get this? When I have my negative head on it is like all of the niggles that usually live in the back of my mind, come flying to the front and seem insurmountable. The happy mundane routine of life at the moment suddenly seems stifling and I feel like I want to escape….. but to where or what, I don’t know.
I am alternating between stomping round the house, shouting at objects, (such as my phone because it won’t do what I want) and sitting crying and thinking about all the negatives in life. I should point out at this point that Monkey is out with Daddy for an hour or so, so he isn’t witnessing any of this! I am generally a positive and happy person. I try to look at the positives in life, so this is all quite out of character for me, but it does happen sometimes, and as this blog is about my life as a stay at home mum, I feel I need to share the lows as well as the highs. I am not using this blog to try and make myself out to be the perfect mum, far from it! I also find that it is quite cathartic to get it all out of my head by writing it down.
I made the decision to be a stay at home mum. It was my decision and mine alone, with the support of my husband. I have written a lot about this decision in the past so won’t go into detail here, but most of the time I love watching Monkey grow and develop and I feel I have made the right choice. But on days like today, when my negative head has taken over, I am back to doubting all of this again. I wonder if I am using being a stay at home mum to hide from the pressure of having to do something in my life or to be successful. I wonder if being a stay at home mum is enough for me or if I should be doing something else. I feel like a failure which also feels crazy because I chose to do it and I try very hard to do a good job. I don’t feel like I am failing at being a mummy, I’m not a domestic goddess or anything but I don’t feel like I am failing at that specifically either. I just feel like I am failing in general, maybe because there is no evidence of success or achievement? I don’t know if this rings any bells with anyone or if it just makes no sense at all from the outside.
So I start to wonder if I can do something else, I mean I crochet and I blog but I wonder if there is something else I can do to give myself more of a feeling of achievement. I used to love photography and drawing, and I wonder about writing a story or something, but then the negative head hits back at these attempts to find a positive solutions, and tells me I am not creative enough or talented enough to be successful so why bother. So I wonder if I should go back to work but then I do a full circle and think about the Monkey and I do know that I don’t want to leave him to go to work. I could work from home, but do what? And find the time where? Then the negative head tells me I am lazy and unmotivated… maybe I am.
My negative head usually doesn’t stick around for long, and sharing these thoughts on here already seems to be diminishing it’s hold over me. Hubby and Monkey are back and chomping on the flapjacks fresh from the oven and I feel myself coming back. But I know it will take over again one day to cast shadows and doubt over my purposefully happy and mundane life. For now though I am going to sign off and try and enjoy this sunny Sunday with my family.