Making some positive changes

Positive changesRegular readers will know that I didn’t have the best week last week… by a long shot. I was feeling lower than I have felt in a long time and couldn’t see what my next step should be I felt I was sinking fast but a bit of a breakdown including much crying, and a very cathartic blog post… and I feel much better.

Friday was a pivotal moment. I got so angry with Monkey about not eating his lunch and really flew off the handle, which just isn’t like me at all. Hubs came home in the midst of this and took Monkey to playgroup, at which point I sat and sobbed as I felt awful. I didn’t like my behaviour at all and I think I knew I couldn’t allow myself to be like that all of the time.

I think it was a bit of a shock for hubs too seeing just how upset and angry I was and he really realised how much I have been struggling recently. Since then my mood has gradually improved and all I can say is that I don’t feel the same. I feel lighter and much more positive.

I have to give a huge thank you at this point to all of you wonderfully supportive readers out there. You have to take a lot of credit for helping me put things in perspective. I am so so grateful for the support of the blogging community and I don’t know where I would be without my blog. The tips, advice and just moral support I received from everyone has buoyed my confidence and helped me move on from the hole I was in.

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Struggling to find a balance

In many ways this week hasn’t been terrible, but in all honesty it hasn’t been great either. I really feel like I am struggling at the moment. Like a hamster in a wheel I am running as fast as I can but I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere. Do you ever feel like that?

I feel like I am spreading myself so thin with looking after both kids, trying to keep on top of everything at home and then with the blog. This ends up with me feeling like I am not doing any of those things very well which makes me feel even worse as I am trying so hard but I am coming up short in all areas.

balance

Sometimes things are ok but all it takes is for one area to get a bit harder and the rest all falls apart.

LM has been really difficult lately and we have realised that it is the return of her reflux issues that is the cause of this. I have no idea why it has returned but she has been so irritable, unhappy and barely napping which has been exhausting. She was arching her back and then she started throwing up, quite frequently. As ever with babies it is guess work as to what is bothering them. Teeth? Tummy? But I had a feeling it was reflux before the throwing up and that convinced me.

So we are back using the infant Gaviscon again and have an appointment with a Dr in a day or two. The Gaviscon is helping but that comes with it’s own challeges as it is a faff getting that into every feed and it is also already slowing down her bowel movements so we will see what the way forward is in a few days.

WP_20150511_08_39_22_ProThe problem really is that I have had to put so much energy into LM that I feel like all the other areas are suffering like crazy. Monkey is sat watching TV or playing on the tablet far too much for my liking, but the alternative is him running around like a loony, climbing on me, questioning me every 5 seconds while I am trying to deal with a whining, wriggling, crying baby, or while I am trying to do some cleaning or put on some washing or just achieve something.

Of course it is not all the time, there are times he is happy playing with his toys by himself. But I hate how much he is in front of the screen and I feel like I am failing him. One of the reasons I am a SAHM is so I can do things with him, help him learn and develop and he is not doing that as much just sat playing on the Cars game on the tablet or watching cbeebies.

Now the Gaviscon is helping LM and she is sleeping more than half an hour at a time again I am trying to refocus my energies on Monkey. To spend a bit more time playing and learning with him. Yesterday we did some painting with different textures and playing with letters and words so that was good but right now he is sat on the tablet as I write this. (Not the whole post, I can never get a post written in one sitting at the mo!)

Because my blog is another area that I just don’t feel I am doing that well with at the moment. On the one hand I feel that it isn’t important so I shouldn’t worry and that there are much more important things I should be doing. But my blog is for me, it is the one thing that is mine and so it is important. I don’t want to give it up as I feel I have a lot to say, but I also don’t feel I can dedicate the time I want to dedicate to it.

I am struggling to find the time to read and comment on as many other posts as I want to. I haven’t replied to any emails from PRs or people who want to contribute in ages. I could spend time on that instead of writing, but I need  to write. I need to share things as it helps me get things off my chest and makes me feel like what I am going through has a purpose. But as a result I am letting opportunities pass me by, because I don’t have the time or energy to devote to doing a good job at any of them.

WP_20150428_11_09_54_ProI also feel like I am failing LM with weaning. I know many people are big fans of baby-led weaning and I wanted to try more of that this time around but honestly there is so much of BLW that I don’t understand, and I have no idea when I am supposed to find the time to learn it, so we are sticking with purees. But even then I feel like I am failing. I want to be doing so much more and introducing her to different textures of finger food as well as making more homemade purees. But I don’t know when I am supposed to have the time to do any of it.

Monkey has always been a fussy eater and I worry that because I can’t find the time to devote to it that LM is going to be fussy too, and that that is going to be my fault. (Pause to sit and sob)

Hubs and I have been trying to do a bit better with the housework too. When the kids are in bed, instead of loading the dishwasher and then just collapsing we are trying to do any washing up that needs doing (instead of leaving it to the next morning) and actually tidy up toys and anything else that needs tidying. We both feel better when the house is tidy so it is a good thing… But also at the end of the witching hour when the kids are both in bed, we are both knackered to be honest and just want to sit.

I don’t know what the solution to any of this is. Hubs is doing as much as he can as he has a demanding job and as soon as he comes in he is pounced on by Monkey and/or handed the baby so I can get on with dinner and it is then full on until bedtime. Mornings are taken in turns to get ready while the other looks after the kids and get bottles made and do jobs then he leaves for work.

I also want to try and do some more exercise but the “when” question is there again. I know people say you have to make time for things but the only way I can make time at the moment would either be by:

a) Not spending any time relaxing in the evening with hubs, which I think is important for my sanity and for our relationship, and is only around an hour a day. Plus it is the only time we actually get to talk about birthdays and holidays and anything else that needs planning or discussion.

b) Sleeping less. But as I am shattered in general I am not sure how less sleep will help anyone?

So I am struggling. Struggling to find a way to balance everything that I need/want to do. For a while I have just been getting on with things and getting more and more snappy and irritable. A conversation with a friend this morning led to me finally admitting just how much I am struggling and breaking down and having a good cry and finally telling hubs everything that is on my mind.

Friends and family are very kind and tell me I am doing a fab job and that I am doing what I need to to cope and that I am not failing. But I just can’t stop feeling like I am failing. At everything. Writing this has been cathertic and I feel lighter for getting it out in the open, but it hasn’t solved anything.

Maybe I am expecting too much for myself or putting too much pressure on myself but that’s just who I am. I always want to try my best and I don’t know how to expect less from myself.

How do you balance everything? Does it get easier as the kids get older?

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Having some fun

My word of the week this week is a great one. One that I am really happy to talk about. It has been a lovely week, full of fun, so that is my word, fun!

After the past however many months of struggling, first with the difficult newborn days, with colic and reflux thrown into the mix, to just the endless parade of germs, colds and flus keeping us down, it is great to say we have had a fun week for a change!

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A few fun (and not so fun) firsts for LM at 5 mths

This was originally going to be an entirely happy post celebrating some of LM’s lovely firsts this week… and I am going to include those but I can’t not mention another first which is less happy. 

LM had her first trip to A&E :(. She has had a horrible cold all week and Saturday afternoon she seemed to get worse and was not feeding well at all. Sunday morning her breathing was a little laboured and we noticed a distinct wheeze. She was also hardly eating at all, barely drinking 40ml (about 1 oz) of her milk compared to the 140 ish she usually has in the morning. Being the bank holiday weekend we didn’t want to wait until Tuesday so called the out of ours GP service who wanted to see her because of her age and let’s face it, you don’t mess around with breathing! We wondered if it was a chest infection and assumed we may be home with antibiotics or something.

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Am I living a Groundhog Day?

At the moment I feeling like my life is like Groundhog Day. I am living the same thing over and over and over every day. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Please be warned that this is quite a moany and definitely rambling post so be warned and feel free to stop reading at any time!

Monkey’s chatter at the moment, is very cute and lovely… but it is also incessant. He just never stops and just jabbers away constantly. When he was younger and was a bit delayed in his speech people used to say to me that there would come a time when I wished he was quiet. Oh how right they were!

It doesn’t help that LM stresses me out a lot at the moment with her teething and lack of sleeping. When she is screaming, moaning or unhappy my tolerance levels for any noise reach zero and I can’t even have a conversation with hubs while she is crying without getting stressed. Monkey’s chattering at these times drives me completely potty and I do sometimes tell him to just be quiet. I feel like an awful parent but my brain just can’t take it! He generally doesn’t listen to me anyway and carries on jabbering away. Occasionally there is a couple of seconds pause, or he whisper shouts instead of normal shouting but mostly he just carries on at normal or shouts even louder to spite me!

He is also massively contrary at the moment. It is worse when he is tired or not feeling himself (we still seem to have a cold continually in our house with at least one of us snotty and grouchy at all times!) when it reaches extreme proportions but he is contrary a lot of the rest of the time too. Reverse psychology is in constant use and even that backfires a lot. Here is an example of a conversation this morning. Me in purple, Monkey in blue

Eat your breakfast please. It’s not breakfast, it’s dinner. (Sigh) Fine, then eat your dinner please. It’s not dinner it’s breakfast. Fine. Just eat it. I don’t want to. Ok then shall Mummy eat it? No I wanted it!

If only that one conversation actually meant that he then ate his breakfast without further chatter and debate! It’s not only food over. We have the same conversations over TV, clothes, activities. Even when he was helping Daddy make biscuits at the weekend ( an activity he loves) he was deliberately arguing against every suggestion Daddy made. Would you like to roll the dough? No I don’t want to. Right I’ll do it then. No I wanted it! …Oh I don’t want to! I have to admit it was a little gratifying when Daddy got stressed out by this as it made me feel like less of a terrible impatient Mother when I get annoyed by it on a daily basis!

WP_20150324_09_57_34_ProIt’s not just Monkey related though. The laundry is doing my head in at the moment. The step up from 3 of us to 4 of us seems to have trebled our washing (I think Muslins take up a huge proportion of that) and it just feels relentless and never ending. No matter how much laundry I seem to do the washing baskets seem to be constantly full! It doesn’t help that LM refuses to sleep when the washing machine is on so it has to be timed to be on when she is awake, and we daren’t put it on at night at risk of it disturbing her. Our sleep is too precious! Then there is the tumble dryer which again is on all the time – a constant ( well I was going to say hum but it is a lot louder than that) rumble(?) in the background which also drives me crazy.

I went on a bit of a subconscious laundry strike last week. I just couldn’t face it and ignored it (which is very unlike me) and well that certainly backfired as of course the piles reached epic proportions! Hubs said later in the week he wished I had said something to him as he could have tried to do it instead, but with it being a subconscious strike, in that I didn’t consciously decide to stop…. I just didn’t do it for a few days.. I hadn’t thought to mention it. Plus mentioning it would have meant actually admitting to myself that I was doing it and would have forced me to stop being so daft and just do some blimming laundry.

Then there’s the constant amount of crumbs on the floor and the never ending hoovering and sweeping that needs doing. (Even seconds after hoovering every inch of the downstairs I see a new crumb or get one stuck to my foot. I swear they reproduce or grow out of thin air!) And the washing up, and cleaning the table, and cleaning bathrooms and windows. Plus of course the formula preparation and the cleaning and sterilising and all of that rigmarole that needs doing every day. Loading and unloading the dishwasher… the list of housework goes on.

Oh and all the nappy changes…. I really wish Monkey was ready for being potty trained. Not that I am looking forward to actually doing the training, I am very much looking forward to him using the toilet rather than needing changes. Changing two of them all day every day makes it feel never ending . He is nearly ready I think and we are laying a lot of the groundwork, but I really don’t want to rush him as I know from friend’s experiences that that only ever makes things harder. In the meantime, all the hand washing and hand sanitiser from the constant nappy changing are making my hands so dry and horrible. I now wear rubber gloves for washing up and leaning, but they aren’t really so good for bottom wiping or bathy time!

My Mother in law said something the other week (about a totally different subject) that really stuck with me. If you can’t change your situation then you have to change your attitude about it. I can’t stop the amount of laundry that needs doing, or stop Monkey being contrary (hopefully he will grow out of that one day) and we have a while to go with nappies as LM is only 5 mths old. So I need to try and change my attitude. As ever with this kind of thing that is a heck of a lot easier said than done but I need to try as I am a bit of a misery guts at the moment.

A lot of it is down to LM’s randomness and continuing lack of routine (despite our best efforts we still have a mix of good days and bad) which makes me grumpy and I haven’t worked out how to manage my time best, when I don’t know what time I am going to have. I am trying to accept that she doesn’t have a routine and not expect to get things done, as that stresses me out when I don’t achieve things. But then I am still getting stressed because I never achieve anything and can’t even plan how to achieve the things I want to because of our lack in routine! It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.

I keep trying to remember how lucky we are, both kids sleep from 7pm at night and she goes through til 530am which is early but not terrible. Monkey sleeps til nearer 7 and he still naps a few days a week, for a good 3 hours at a time so I know how lucky I am with that. I also know that all of this is only temporary but I don’t like feeling like I am wishing away this time. I also realise that as an SAHM at least I don’t have to worry about all of this as well as being at work… but I also get no break from the monotony.

I made a choice to become a SAHM and I don’t regret it as I have loved watching Monkey grow and learn, and I know I will love doing the same with LM too. But it isn’t always easy and I guess that’s my point.. if I have one at all! I told you it was a rambly post! IBut I do feel better for having a bit of a vent so if you have made it this far, thank you for reading :).

And then the fun began...

A Mystery Illness & A Winter Wedding

This weekend was the wedding of one of my closest friends. I had been looking forward to it for so long and been pretty involved in the planning (and stress) of it as one of the bridesmaids. Suffice to say what we did not need the week before the wedding was the illness and sleepless nights we had last week! I was shattered, spotty with huge bags under my eyes (not an ideal look for wedding photos) and had to pull out of a couple of sessions where I was supposed to help make wedding favours etc 🙁 . Luckily the bride was very understanding and I think she just wanted me to try and rest when I could to eliminate the bags under my eyes!

Monkey slowly started to get better as the week progressed but then LM got a bit more grumpy than usual. Then she developed a weird spot on one hand, followed by one on the opposite hand the following day. Around this time I found out that a friend’s little girl, who we had seen the previous week, had come down with chicken pox. I googled what this looked like and immediately thought this may be it. Not exactly good timing with a wedding to attend at the weekend and Monkey just starting to feel better!

But then nothing happened. She didn’t get any poorlier and no more spots appeared. She had a funny spot on one ear but other than that it was just one on each knuckle. Which is an odd place to get chicken pox as they usually start on your face and torso. With the wedding looming I took her to the Dr on Friday afternoon, mainly so we could know one way or another really. But that didn’t happen as the Dr wasn’t sure what it was either! It could be chicken pox, or it could  be hand foot & mouth, or it could be nothing, We would have to wait a few days and see but it was probably a viral infection of some sort.

She had been so grumpy lately and with the bride being 6 mths pregnant we decided not to risk taking a potentially contagious baby with us to the wedding. Meaning I had to go solo :(. Friday night I made it to the venue with the other bridesmaid and we spent the evening decorating tables and cupcakes and generally getting things ready.

Saturday morning I had my hair done at 8am and then once Monkey had been collected by Nanny & Aunty Maggie (as had always been the plan for the day) I left a grumpy hubs with LM and headed to the venue to meet the bride and other bridesmaid, to get the last few bits ready in the reception room, then get ourselves ready for a beautiful wedding.

It was a hectic morning but was such a beautiful wedding and I love a good wedding, always so nice to see people marry the one they love and even more special when they are good friends of yours. I really missed hubs and would’ve been lovely to spend the day together but it was the right decision not to take the baby. If she had been there it would have been stressful constantly wondering if she was ok and what hubs was doing with her, when what I really needed to do was concentrate on the bride. Luckily I had a lot of friends there too so I never felt alone or anything. The biggest downside was with photos though, I only managed a few snaps throughout the day (mainly just of me and my friends mucking about) and they aren’t exactly brilliant but here they are.

Sarah's wedding

I am looking forward to seeing the professional shots of the day as I am sure they will be better than these! I had a good time with my friends though and it was lovely after such a rough week to really forget about the kiddies for a while (knowing they were being looked after) and just be me for the day. LM seemed to perk up during the day too so Hubs didn’t have a terrible day with her and she has been a bit perkier since. Another couple of spots have appeared on one of her fingers but we still aren’t really sure what is up with her. We may never know 100% whether it is chicken pox…. unless she gets it again I suppose!

Mama and More

This too shall pass..

My word of the week this week is fortunate. Now for most of the week I actually would not have chosen this word as it has been a bit of a week, but bear with me!

Friday Hubs came down with a flu type bug. It started as a cough and got worse, bringing a nasty fever with it. By Saturday he was extremely poorly, spending a lot of time in bed with a fever and he was a bit delirious. He was a bit of a zombie so he was in bed while I looked after the kiddies.

This will sound selfish but this was rubbish for me, as I rely on his help at the weekends to actually get the house in some semblance of tidiness and stay a bit sane. Worst of all that it was this particular Saturday though as I was due to visit one of my best friends in London for her birthday and I had been looking forward to it for such a long time and it was now in jeopardy. With my pregnancy being a bit rough last year I cancelled plans a few times to go and visit and this was the time that I should have no reason to cancel. Until all of a sudden I did. A really poorly husband. I spent a lot of the day really very unhappy as I felt like an awful person for even considering leaving, or wanting to leave, but I did want to. So so badly. It was a bit of a vicious cycle.

Thankfully hubs’ fever broke in the afternoon and along with reinforcements in the form of his parents he felt able to take care of the kiddies. So it was a very late call but I made it to London and had a really lovely chilled evening with the girls and restored my sanity a little.

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I got home at around 1am to find hubs awake and that Monkey was now not well either. He had had a little cough too but had otherwise been fine in himself all day. The trouble with coughs is always the night time isn’t it? They interrupt his sleep and he gets himself so worked up that he ends up being sick and I hate it. So he was up a couple of times and hubs and I were both on edge all night that the coughing would wake him. LM then woke up at 530am. Hubs got up to feed her and 10 mins later Monkey woke up crying so that was the start of our Sunday.

Sunday wasn’t terrible but it was very chilled and entirely focussed on Monkey and keeping him happy. He was the poorliest he has been in a long time and spent a lot of the day asleep actually and hubs and I tried to chill out as he was still poorly too and I was knackered after the trip to London and lack of sleep. WP_20150224_11_23_51_Pro

Monday Monkey rallied and seemed so much better so he went to Rhyme Time with Nanny & Pops as usual and Playgroup in the afternoon. He was fine until early evening when he suddenly dipped and Monday night was awful again with coughing and getting himself worked up and being a little sick. Tuesday he was not himself and we tried to chill out – though he doesn’t like relaxing our boy and wants to be on the go. His eyes were drooped and he couldn’t stop yawning but no “I ok, I not tired” hmm really.

We watched Winnie the Pooh and managed to get a healthy lunch in him then he went for a rest. LM meanwhile was refusing to sleep for no more than 30 mins at a time for goodness knows what reason. With both of them finally asleep I sat down for 5 mins and then Monkey’s coughing started, and continued. He got upset so I went up and he vomited all over me, himself, his bed, cuddly toys, floor, well everywhere. I tried desperately to keep him calm so that he didn’t wake LM and got him in clean clothes, downstairs and calm in front of the TV while I got myself changed and did the clean up operation upstairs and got the first load of washing ready to go on when LM woke up. I am not joking I washed my hands 4 times and they still smelt of vomit. I was so not happy.

Then LM woke up, less than half an hour after being put down and I was hugely hugely miserable. Luckily hubs was able to come home a bit early that day and help as Monkey was miserable too (understandably bless him) and I was failing to see the sunny side of life after a good few nights of only a few hours kip.

That night, when we had got the kids down and we were listening to Monkey coughing and wondering what the night would hold, I described the situation as being Hell. Then I checked myself.

I looked at hubs and said you know in comparison to cancer or war. What was I talking about? Yes it was a crappy few days, but hell? I mean come on.

Tuesday night was possibly the worst as he was sick a few times but we did manage to keep him a bit calmer with some singing. LM had a feed before midnight and then was up again at 530am. I was still not hugely happy but Monkey was off to Nanny’s for the day and I was determined to get some jobs done and stop wallowing. All week I had been feeling tired, miserable and at mercy of the situation. Feeling really hard done by when the reality is that we are so lucky really.

We have two gorgeous kiddies and Monkey really is very rarely poorly and is such a good boy. He tries so hard even when he is tired and poorly to put a brave face on. I went in to see him when he woke up this morning and when I asked how he was he said “I fine, thank you” I mean what a cutie.

We have a beautiful home. You know when you can’t see the wood for the trees? Well sometimes I feel like I can’t see the house for the mess. A huge thank you to the lovely comments about our home on the post “So, Daddy” as when I look at those photos (aside from Monkey & Daddy sharing a lovely moment) I see the horrible stained tablecloth, the manky changing station off in the corner with bottles of hand sanitiser and piles of nappy bags. The toys and detritus strewn across the table. But what other people saw was the lovely things we have, the dresser, the chairs, and it made me look again and remember how much I love our home.

I have a lovely hubby. Of course he drives me potty sometimes but I am sure I do the same to him, I do think having children can be tough on even the strongest relationships sometimes. But you know what, even though he was poorly, he still wanted me to go to London on Saturday. He totally appreciates how hard I try all week to manage the house and kids and he knew how much getting a little break meant to me.

We have wonderful supportive families who are close by and who love to help. We don’t ever want to be a burden on them but know that when we need them that they will be there.

I have some wonderful friends who understand when I back out on them or delay seeing them that it’s not because I am lazy or I don’t care. They know I would be there if I could and that family has to come first. But they also support me and encourage me to make sure I take some time for myself too.

I said to hubs the other day “This too shall pass” and yeah life is hard at the moment with a 4 mth old and a very poorly toddler and hubs…. but nothing lasts forever and hard days make way for easier ones. We are so so lucky and there are many who are not as fortunate as we are and it is worth remembering that. I think ” this too shall pass” should be our mantra as it is far too easy to get bogged down in negatives and forget how lucky we are.

Blogging has taken a bit of a back seat this week as there has been more than enough other stuff going on, so I apologise for the lack of blogging, sharing, commenting, and replying to comments. My word for this week is fortunate. How has your week been?

The Reading Residence
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3 Children and It

Big cuddles

Tuesday didn’t get off  to a very good start this week. In fact it started to go downhill on Monday night. Hubs was out for dinner with hiw workmates and it was the kids and I. The kids were happily in bed and all seemed well, then around 9pm Monkey woke coughing. He hadn’t been poorly at all during the day, in fact he had been full of beans so it was a bit of a surprise. The coughing lasted a while and sometimes when he gets woken up this early he is so tired that he gets himself really worked up. And this is what he did, so worked up in fact that he made himself sick, all over me and a towel I thankfully had to hand.

I calmed him down and he went off to sleep but I was on edge the rest of the night worrying that he was actually sick (rather than just getting himself worked up) so I was awake at every sound.  Hubs came home around midnight and Monkey woke coughing again at around 1.30am though he did manage to get himself back off to sleep. I was up for the day with LM at 4am as is pretty regular but after such a broken night I was exhausted.

LM can be pretty fractious at the mo due to her teething which isn’t fun and Monkey was not in good spirits after a broken night either, he was definitely coming down with a cold. Hubs was leaving at 8am to have breakfast with his business partner before heading off to Essex for a meeting and all  I can say is that I really wasn’t in the best mood. It wasn’t terrible, Monkey and I had some fun doing his favourite thing, gluing and sticking, while LM was asleep but I was so tired and pretty grumpy. I just couldn’t snap out of my funk.

After lunch Monkey had some renewed energy and was haring about the place and somehow we came up with a new game. He would back up to the living room door, open his arms wide and shout “big cuddles!” I was sat on the sofa and would play around with my arms saying “small cuddle?” with my hands close together, or “BIG cuddle” with my arms as wide as possible. Monkey then ran towards me with a look of glee on his face and we had big giggly cuddles. We played this for a good 15 mins until LM woke up and it cheered me up no end. Big cuddles really can make you feel better!

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This is the best photo that I could get as I got told off by Monkey and told to put the phone down haha. You get the idea though anyway I’m sure 🙂

Later in the day Monkey was playing hide and seek behind LM and I was grabbing him for more cuddles and he announced “good hugs Mummy!” which again just made me smile.

Just a lovely little ordinary moment of fun giving each other lovely cuddles that turned the day around and definitely improved my mood :).

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Homemade Snow / A bad day

There are two very different sides to this story, a happy smiley version, and the slightly less happy reality! We very rarely get snow where we live near the edge of the Fens and I didn’t think we would get any this year with the way things were going (we did though, hooray) . But Monkey has been a bit obsessed with snow and we watched “The Snowman” about a hundred times in the run up to Christmas, so I wanted to have some snow fun with him and thought the best way would be to make some of our own. After a troublesome time I also wanted to spend some time with Monkey. (This was a couple of weeks ago now and I debated whether to share it, but have decided I will!) We had to go and get the ingredients so we popped to the shops – my hope was also that a nice ride in the buggy and car would send LM into a lovely slumber meaning Monkey and I could have some time together. She slept well while we were out and we headed home for some fun.

Making the snow

We had actually tried this before but I never managed to get the consistency right, this time we were much more successful. we used a 1kg box of cornfour and 1 1/2 cans of value shaving foam, this seemed to be about right. Monkey loved the shaving foam spray and had great fun digging his hands in. He is less good at the actual mixing so needed Mummy to mix it around a bit. It certainly is a messy play! homemade snow Then basically have fun. Monkey was loving playing around and I had to make a little snowman, just to see if the consistency was right ;). I added in a few bits and bobs from the crafty draw to add to the snowman but of course then everything gets covered in the snow. I have to admit the Tuff Spot is invaluable for play like this as you just have to expect that they will get mess everywhere, no matter how much you try and contain it!

Where it all went wrong…

Monkey did have a lot of fun but now here’s how it really went. We did have a lovely time at the shops that morning and LM slept as I hoped she would. But it was really very windy outside and while getting them into the car a big gust of wind woke her up. She may have slept again straight away but for some reason I couldn’t click the car seat in for love nor money. I don’t know why but it took about 5 goes of bashing the seat about which wasn’t exactly soothing for her. She did seem to doze off again though so we popped to the petrol station and I like pay at pump so I can do it as quickly as possible. Except for some reason the pump I chose would not accept any of my cards so I had to drive round again to try another. By the time I was actually filling up the car LM was very much awake and screaming. I hoped she would doze off on the way home, but, erm, no. Screamed her head off the whole way and was still screaming when we got in. Having promised Monkey we would be making snowmen he was totally chomping at the bit. I wasn’t sure what LM wanted but tried various things, changed her nappy, tried having her awake with us, tried putting her down to sleep but she wasn’t having any of it and screamed and screamed. But she did lull me into a false sense of security a few times which meant we did start the messy activity, and then she started screaming again so there is Monkey and I with cornflour and foam up to our elbows and a baby balling. The stress levels started rising. I tried to cheer her up while also giving Monkey as much attention as I could but basically I failed, I succumbed to the stress and screamed at LM. I just didn’t know what she wanted or needed and all I wanted in that moment was to focus a little bit of attention on Monkey, but I couldn’t. Then Monkey repeated what I said. Hearing your 2 1/2 year old tell his baby sister to shut up because he has just heard you say it is not exactly a proud moment. We never use that term with him and I was mortified to hear him say it. It snapped me out of my frustration a little bit and I calmed down enough to apologise to both of them and to tell Monkey I said a not very nice thing. I then tried feeding her,but she only drank 20ml and was still so tired so I tried to put her down again. She cried her eyes out but this time did actually manage to get herself to sleep. This all probably took maybe half an hour, if that, but I was totally frazzled. I wanted to try and salvage the situation and have some fun with Monkey… but by now he was having none of it and was more interested in putting the snow outside of the tuffspot and on the old sofa (its old and we don’t really care but still don’t want it completely destroyed).  When I told him not to do that he decided he had had enough completely but trying to get him to stand up so I could take off his messy clothes was apparently an impossible task for him. So I got cross (yes, again) and he balled. Hubs happened to text at this point to see how my day was going, I think I replied with a one word expletive then when he tried to offer sympathy, I misinterpreted it and he received a tirade, poor hubs! Eventually I got Monkey back into clean clothes and plopped him in front of the TV. LM was finally asleep upstairs but I surveryed the scene and the clean up operation ahead of me and basically gave up. I sat in the kitchen and sobbed. It actually wasn’t too bad a mess and when I did get round to it, it didn’t take that long to clean up, but in that moment it felt like an insurmountable task and I just felt I had failed. WP_20150129_11_30_04_Pro The thing is I know it was my own fault. I expected too much of LM, Monkey and myself. The next day I popped LM to sleep in her cot, she slept really well and Monkey and I just played in the garden. Much less effort, hassle but still loads of fun. I sometimes feel like I am failing at being an SAHM if I am not putting in lots of effort to do awesome activities. Doing messy play, baking or some other crafty thing to teach him through play. In my heart I know that isn’t true. I know that as long as my kids are healthy and happy then I am doing well. I guess the fact that I want to try so hard is good as I want to be the best mummy I can be, but I have to go easy on myself. Things will get easier. LM is only a few months old and nowhere near a routine yet (no matter how much I wish she was, or how many online articles tell me she should be, she isn’t). She will be one day and things will get easier but for now I need to be less hard on myself and focus on what I can do, rather than pushing myself and getting angry and frustrated when I fail and things don’t work out the way that I want them to. So there we have it, on the one hand a great activity, if you have enough time to focus on it and don’t have a screaming baby in one arm! It really wasn’t my day as later on I had to take LM to the hospital to get her hips checked (she’s fine, just routine as she was breech). When I came out it was snowing and I paid for the parking ticket, walked through the snow to the car, got her in, put away the buggy then realised I had left the ticket in the machine so had to unpack the car and go back to the machine where thankfully someone had put the ticket on top of the machine, phew!

And then the fun began...
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