I have had a bit of a break from blogging recently and it has really made me think a lot about why I blog, what I want to get out of it and what I want going forward. I have rechecked all of my priorities and decided to make a bit of a change from here on in and focus on myself and what is right for me and as a result I will be scaling right back.

I love writing and I love creating a record for the kids when they grow up and I don’t want that to stop but I can’t let my blog take over my life the way that it has. I can’t keep getting stressed out because I haven’t managed to post in time for a linky. I can’t be glued to phone to ensure I comment on the requisite number of posts that each linky needs me to comment on. I just can’t keep up with it all. So I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to do so.

I will still be here and I will still be writing what I want to write. I will also still be reading lots of lovely blogs and commenting when I want to comment –  but not for the sake of it or because I feel I have to.

I will be stopping my MaternityMondays linky. I have really enjoyed it but I am finding it too much work at the moment. I will still be joining in with lovely linkies, but not on the scale that I was. When I have a post suitable for a certain linky I will join in but I am afraid I won’t be a regular with many linkies from now on.

I will hopefully have time to reply to comments on my blog again, I am not making any promises, but I would love to actually respond to people who take the time to comment on my blog. This has completely fallen by the wayside over recent months and I hate that I haven’t replied to people… but I just havent been able to keep up.

I’m not worrying about my stats at all anymore. If people read it then they do, if they don’t they don’t and I need to not care about that. I am also not going to work as much with PRs anymore. I have a couple of things in the pipeline and there may well be some tempting opportunities so never say never but there definitely won’t be as much. I just can’t be bothered. I don’t want to be a professional blogger, this is a hobby not a job for me. I don’t want to write anything because someone else wants me to and I don’t want anyone else having any say about what the content is of my blog. It is my blog and it is for me (and anyone else who wishes to read it).

I won’t be worrying about what people think when they read my posts. I won’t be writing things for the sake of it or in the hope that it will get people to like me.

For me that has been a big downside of blogging. I don’t have a whole lot of self-worth if I’m honest, this isn’t a pity party and I don’t generally talk about it on here because I haven’t the time or energy to rehash it all but there are some things that have happened in my life that have not given me a whole lot of self-worth. After telling me most of life that he had nothing worth living for my Dad eventually lived up to his word and committed suicide. I know it wasn’t about me but when your own father doesn’t even think you are worth being alive for it doesn’t give you the best opinion of yourself growing up.

Then years later my group of best friends, who I thought really knew me and got me, proved that they didn’t. They believed me to be capable of doing, saying and thinking things that I would never have done, said or thought. Some of us got through it but most of those friendships ended. I am in a much better place now than I was then and I do have wonderful friends now who do really know me. But that experience left behind some nasty scars. I am very guarded and always worry that what I do or say will be misinterpreted. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I am as awful as they thought and it will happen again?

I was sent a meme recently with a question that asked what I thought people liked most about me. This is what sparked a lot of my thinking of late because I really realised that I have no idea why people like me. I wouldn’t even like to hazard a guess and I realised at this just how badly my self-worth has been damaged. I’m not writing this for sympathy. I am writing this as I realised that actually much of the community side of blogging isn’t helping me. It appeals to my needy attention seeking side, wanting people to like me, to get me. And I don’t think it is that healthy.

I have a husband who adores me and children who love me as much as I love them. My family is amazing and supportive and lovely. My mum and step dad are wonderful as are my in-laws. I have amazing friends who do know me and do like me/love me. I don’t need the whole world or the whole blogging community to like me. I don’t need new best friends.

I’m not knocking the blogging community here… on the whole it has been very good for me. I have received so much support with my PND and difficult times and there are so so many wonderful bloggy ladies out there. The problem lies with me and I need to take control and work on myself. I need to stop competing or feeling I have to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ so to speak.

I don’t want to stop blogging entirely as blogging inspires me to be a better parent. I have found so many wonderful ideas for playing with the kids, for cooking, for parenting, for everything. It makes me think and question myself and find ways to improve myself. I also love so many wonderful blogs that I still want to know what you are all up to, how you are getting on and support you in the way that you have supported me. I just need to get off the merry-go-round of constantly blogging and linking up and give myself a break.