At the beginning of the year I wrote about how it was time to make time for me. To take a bit better care of myself, to lose weight and basically find some me time. We are now nearly a quarter way through the year (bonkers eh?) and it is safe to say that is not happening at the moment. With Monkey and mostly baby LM, I am continually pushing myelf to the bottom of the priority list.
The diet has stopped as I have been too tired, too poorly, too busy, etc. etc. I don’t like the way I look in most of my clothes as I am larger than I want to be and I don’t want to buy new clothes because the truth is I won’t be happy whatever clothes I am in as I know I am bigger than I want to be. I am lazy and I am making excuses not to look after myself. I only wash my hair a couple of times a week and because I can’t always be bothered to detangle the frizz it very often gets scraped into a bun and stays that way until I next decide it looks too greasy to be acceptable. Some days I don’t even straighten my fringe as if I know I am not going anywhere then who cares whether my fringe is all kinky and sticking out. Well, I should, I think.
It’s not just me, hubs is the same. He let his hair and beard get so long he was looking a bit scruffy (sorry hubs but you know you were) and he hasn’t been to the gym or cycled to work in ages. We put the kids needs above our own (of course) and in our free time prioritise jobs around the house (and I do prioritise the blog too) over taking time out for ourselves and making even a little bit of effort over how we look and feel.
We convince each other that it is ok too, we buy crisps and chocolate and bad things and tell each other we deserve it, that it’s temporary because we are going through a hard time. That it doesn’t matter. But the truth is, it does matter. We matter. Making time to feel good about ourselves does matter! I am feeling so low so much of the time and I think it’s all a symptom of the same thing. Yes babies are hard work and yes I am tired all of the time but I am dragging myself down instead of lifting myself up. If that makes any sense?
So, together, hubs and I are refocusing on the diet. He doesn’t need to lose as much weight as I do but some of his clothes are getting tight and it’s more about our frame of mind and we need to support each other through this. We need to encourage each other to look after ourselves. We usually take it in turns to do the 530am start with LM (yawn) but at the weekend we got up together so that hubs could cut his hair and beard before Monkey got up and the day fully started.
On Monday we started counting our WW points again. Just to remind ourselves what we are putting in to our bodies and also, hopefully, to lose some weight. There are no excuses this time. I have had a couple of difficult days this week where LM’s screaming has dragged me down and I have been a mess at times. But I haven’t given in. I am a huge comfort eater but I need to remember that it doesn’t solve anything and while it may make me feel better in the uber short term, longer term it does not help because I don’t like the way I look or feel.
I will never be skinny but I want to be me-sized rather than big for me-sized. I don’t want to feel so wobbly and squeezed into clothes and I don’t want to buy bigger clothes as they will just be masking the wobbles and I know I still won’t be happy.
We have a goal in mind too. It is my birthday at the end of April and at the beginning of May we have arranged a babysitter (thanks Mum) so that hubs and I can go out together with a group of our friends. It will be the first time since the wedding in August, I think, that we have had time out of the house as a couple without the kids and will do us both some good to be out with friends and out with each other. So the goal is that by then we are looking and feeling better about ourselves.
LM getting into a routine would undoubtedly make this task a lot easier, but (while I am still going to keep trying to get her into one) I am not going to use her lack of a routine as an excuse for eating rubbish and looking and feeling rubbish anymore. No more excuses.
Starting weight is 13st and I am aiming for 11 1/2 st, but as I have said before it is more about how my clothes fit than what the scales say.
Wish me luck!