Little Miss is quite possibly, in fact, most probably the last baby we will have. I will never say never and I am sure many people will say that now is not the time to make the decision about having more children, but I want to be realistic about it. Both hubs and I are the middle of 3 children, so we both carry a certain nostalgia with us about our families, and we are both very close to all of our brothers and couldn’t imagine our families any other way. So I guess it is inevitable that we have been quite undecided about the number of children we would have.
Despite our nostalgia, we are also quite pragmatic and realistic. 2 kids is that bit easier than 3. Coming from families of 5 we know how much harder it makes fitting in a car (and this was even in the days before huge car seats), going on holiday (hotel rooms for 5 are not so easy or cheap), and even going out for meals, much easier to ind a table for 4 than for 5. Plus there also comes the size of your house. Having 3+ children just costs more.
They are the practical reasons for having 2 kids, and in my days pre-motherhood I only saw these and was adamant I wouldn’t have more than 2. Then we had Monkey and I know hubs would love more kids, so I softened quite a lot. None of the above practical things really matter if you know you want another child. The love and benefits balance out (if not outweigh) the slight inconveniences an axtra child would bring.
So why am I saying Little Miss will probably be our last?
Well it’s no secret that I don’t enjoy being pregnant. While this pregnancy was easier than my first, there is no guarantee that the next won’t be very hard on my body again. I want to get my body back and I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that. It was worth going through it twice but I don’t know if I want to do that again.
Then there is the fact that I have now had 2 C-Sections and, because of my bicornuate uterus, would very likely need a third. There is a slim chance that I may be able to have a VBaC but it is such a slim chance that it is better to be realistic about the probability of surgery. And in truth I am not sure I want to go through that again either. This surgery took a lot longer than my first and though I am doing fine, and in some ways my recovery is easier (being more mobile during this pregnancy helped as in my first I was so immobile and unfit because of my SPD 1st time round that getting moving again post-surgery was much harder) it hasn’t been fun. However you look at it, a C-Section is major surgery and again maybe it is selfish but I don’t know that I want to put myself through having another surgery.
Plus I guess I want to move on to the next phase. I am looking forward to my children growing up, and doing different things with them. I have this grand idea about saving up to take them some lovely holidays. To show my husband and kids the amazing beauty of some of the places I visited when I was travelling. To go hiking, and kayaking etc. To do this they would need to be of an age where they could appreciate it and I guess I worry that if we were to have another baby then this would be delayed and there is also the fact that we would have a much bigger age gap between oldest and youngest and that may make it more difficult to entertain both oldest and youngest kids at the same time.
That may seem a daft reason to some people and I know we all have different priorities and I guess it matters to me.
Because of all of the above, it does seem likely that we will stop at two. Hubs is happy with this decision too as he knows how hard pregnancy and birth have been on me and wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t 100% want to do. Like I say though we will never say never and who knows what the future holds for us but that is what I am thinking about at the moment.
So while I am sleep deprived at the moment, I am also trying to enjoy the baby days as much as possible. They aren’t my favourite time of parenting, I really struggled with Monkey in the first few months, but I am determined not to wish them away. In some ways it is easier this time as I know what to do and what to expect. I also know not to put too much pressure on myself to get in a routine too fast. To not expect to get more than a few hours sleep at a time. To not be able to keep the house spotless. I don’t always manage it. When she is screaming and I am tired from the endless rocking and shushing and feeding I am silently wishing these days away. But I am trying not to. I am tryign to enjoy them.
So if sometimes the only way I can get Little Miss to settle is to have her asleep on me while I sit on the sofa, then so be it. The laundry can get done later and the washing up can soak in the sink a little longer. I will try not to look around the tip of a living room as that will make me want to get up and tidy it.
Instead I will sit and I will cuddle my gorgeous baby girl. I will breathe in her smells and watch her eyelids flicker as she dreams. Even if it is 3am and I can barely keep my eyes open I want to enjoy her and her baby-ness as much as I can as she will soon be growing (she is already moving into 0-3mths clothes) and these days wil be over.
I am making the most of the baby days ( or trying to at least!).