Raising a good person

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Monkey seems to be growing into such a sweet little soul. He is in a really cuddly phase at the moment and is cuddling everything, toys, books, statues, fish tanks, crisp packets, receipts, crisps. Literally everything he likes gets a cuddle! He is also really generous and often gives out food to his friends and family, and even gave his favourite bus toy to his friend to play with (though she was less happy to share her toys with him!).

He’s also just a pretty good boy. I mean, he’s a toddler so he has his moments and obviously isn’t perfect but on the whole he does listen to us and does as we ask. I wish I could take credit for this, and say it must be down to my amazing parenting (lol) but I think we are just lucky and he has a sweet nature. Hubby says that even his nature comes from us, through his genes, but I don’t think it is that straightforward! And yes, I know this could all change as soon as hits the terrible 2/3s but, well, we will just have to wait and see with that one!

Anyway, I was chatting to a friend a few days ago about one of his cute recent habits, and she said something that surprised me a little, and really made me stop and think. I can’t remember word for word but she basically suggested that we should teach him to be less generous, and one bit I do remember clearly, was that she said “sometimes you have to teach them things that aren’t right” so they don’t get trampled on, or taken advantage of.

It reminded me of a conversation with another friend a while ago who was teaching her little one that if someone pushes him, then he should push them back. Her reasoning being that she was picked on a lot as a kid, and she didn’t want her kids to be picked on.

I was always taught from the old adage of “do unto others as you would have done unto you” (In plainer English, “Treat people how you would like to be treated”) and that two wrongs don’t make a right. I have to say that is always the way I thought I wanted to raise my children. Yes I want them to be strong and confident, but overall I want to raise them to be good people.

The comments from different friends, at very different times, have made me stop and wonder. Am I doing Monkey a disservice. Am I raising a child to be bullied or picked on or walked all over? Instead of encouraging what I perceive to be his gorgeous, gentle nature, should I be encouraging him to be tougher? Am I raising him to be gentle in a world which is tough?

I was pondering this as Monkey and I were wandering out of the supermarket the other day. He had been a really good boy (again he’s a toddler so he had a couple of meltdowns, but nothing too major) and was walking along holding on to the trolley. We were walking at his pace and it was taking a while. We were parked quite far away from the doors, and as we walked through the main trolley area near the entrance, I was thinking to myself whether to walk Monkey all the way back with the trolley after loading the car, or to pop him in the car, and rush the trolley back. I can’t carry him anymore because of my pelvis, and I also can’t rush very easily.

Just then I was pleasantly surprised by a very kind man. One of the trolley collectors saw Monkey and I, smiled, and came over. He then said to me, “I’ll follow you up to your car in a minute, and I’ll bring your trolley back for you.” It took us a few mins to wander to the car so he wasn’t far behind us, and actually helped me load the car, then used his key device to give me my pound back and took the trolley. For no reason other than to be a nice person.

It reignited my faith in people and reminded me of the good samaritan last year who found my purse in a car park, found my address inside, and brought it round to our house, rather than stealing anything. There are good people in the world. There are nice people. There is nothing wrong with encouraging Monkey to be a nice person.

I’m not saying my friends are wrong and I am right, and I’m not saying their children won’t grow up to be good people either. We’re all just doing the best we can and all just want the best for our children. Maybe I will regret my decisions and maybe I will change my mind over time. But, right now, I do feel more confident in letting Monkey be Monkey and encouraging his naturally kind, generous nature. I will stick to my guns and teach him to be a good person above all. I hope that over time I will be able to teach him to be confident enough in himself to not allow himself to be walked all over.

He isn’t quite 2 yet after all so who knows how his personality will develop in the years to come! What are your thoughts? Again, no judgement here as I could well be wrong, but I am just doing the best I can!

A glimpse into our home…

Posted by Caroline Elliott

I’ve talked a lot about our garden recently, and there will be another update about that on Thursday! I’ve also recently shown you Monkey’s bedroom, but as the theme for The Theme Game this week is “home” I thought I would give you a few sneak peeks into our house, by just showing you a few of my favourite things, that make me feel really happy to be hom.

Starting in the hallway, where we have a hanging I bought on my travels, in Xi’an, China, to be exact. I just love it.

Also in the hall is a lovely montage of is and our family. We try to update it fairly regularly, and we like fairly candid shots if we can, just all of us having fun :). The frame was a wedding present from my big brother, and its a bit dodgy now as it fell off the wall in our old house and broke 🙁 but we still love it.

Into the downstairs shower-room. We converted what was a really dingy little toilet, and a hall cupboard into a little shower-room. it’s all very simple and white, with just a fun hint of colour in the form of sparkly tiles in the shower and behind the sink.

Into the living room, and you start to see how much we love colour! We have a bright blue wall, and a gorgeous mirror which I just adore. Lots of colourful blankets and cushions, a little area behind the sofa for Monkey’s toys and some of his millions of books! We also have a gorgeous armchair in about the funkiest fabric we could find, and I love the framed picture of the coordinates to our home (though hubby has decreed I am not allowed to publish that picture, in case someone looks up where we live!).

Off sideways into the kitchen, another room we completely renovated, and just a simple shot out of the kitchen window. I love looking out at all the fresh green at this time of year.

Through into the dining room, where we have our most grown-up piece of furniture, a gorgeous dresser, and our photo wall, which again we try to update regularly.

Upstairs we have our spare room/office, otherwise known as the map room, for obvious reasons! It’s quite often a mess and covered in laundry and paperwork but it’s such a tranquil space to spend some time when it is actually tidy. This picture was taken when it was first decorated, as it is a right mess in there at the moment lol!

I won’t show you too much of our bedroom, but I love this photo. I took this picture of the door of a temple in Luang Prabang in Laos. And I adore it. I have had it in my bedroom for years and all of the walls and bedding and accessories are themed around it.

We have one room upstairs which is basically a tip – full of all sorts of bits and bobs that haven’t yet been thrown out or made it to the garage or loft. But that will have to change soon as that is to become the new baby’s room, so at some point this year we will have to get around to painting it (it is currently decorated in a dark grey) and putting some flooring down!

So there you have it, just a sneak peak into our home! Reminds of that old Lloyd Grossman programme, Through the keyhole. “Who lives in a house like this?” A generally happy little family, that’s who :).

#AllAboutYou Link & Pin Party Mama and More

A very diverse week

Posted by Caroline Elliott

There are many words I could use to describe the past week – hectic, varied, hospital, baking, exciting, depressing, progress, hopeful, honestly I could go on, so I have gone for Diverse.

Right… where to start?

We had a lovely weekend, fairly busy but it was my MIL’s birthday on Sunday so that was lovely, and then my parents are having their kitchen renovated at the moment so we invited them round for Sunday tea. Monkey loved a day with all of his lovely grandparents so that was nice!

Monday was a very exciting day! In case you haven’t heard, I was invited to meet Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro by TLC. It really was a LOT of fun. It was also really tiring – a slightly rushed trip down to central London, hours of being on my feet (soooo not good for my Pelvis but I wasn’t about to make a fuss), and you know how it is, all the mingling and small talk can get quite exhausting at the best of times, let alone when being preggo is tiring me out as it is! It was wonderful but I was so tired, some of my London girls wanted to meet for a drink afterwards but honestly there was no way I could do it, far too tired!

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it here, as there is enough for another post about my SPD this week, but there has been some very low lows and a very happy glimmer of hope this week and hopefully we will be making some progress soon on that front. I was at the hospital on Tuesday which felt like a waste of time but have another appointment on Monday that will hopefully be more positive.

My parents looked after Monkey while I was at the hospital on Tues, and they had a whale of a time. But we are all a bit daft, as I had forgotten to get them a key to the house so Monkey couldn’t come inside in time for his nap. D’oh! They kept him going but by the time I got home he wasn’t very interested in napping! It wasn’t a terrible afternoon, just very tiring. Then by bedtime he was so overtired and honestly I am a dummy as I gave him some cake at tea time and with the over tiredness and sugar the poor lamb took ages to get off to sleep. We really take for granted what a good sleeper he is usually and nights like that are so rare and worse because I caused it. Poor Monkey 🙁

Wednesday saw our second trip to the hospital , for Monkey this time. I’ve mentioned before how a health visitor had moaned at me that he walked with his feet out and that we should get it checked. Blah blah. Anyway, to avoid a repeat of this at his 2 year check we duly went to the Drs and got referred to the hospital. We have now seen a pediatric orthopedic doctor who has confirmed what we thought, that Monkey is normal and that it will probably correct itself naturally as he gets older, and that then as he becomes more self conscious he will probably turn his own feet in. So it was a waste of time, but in the best possible sense, and much as we hoped it would be the case, you never really know. So for all my moaning about it, I know it was worth getting it checked just to make sure that it is all normal!

There’s also lots of progress on the Garden renovation …. more to come on that next week but it is taking shape, eek! We have got the landscapers in and they are doing a fab job!

Also, the work has all been done in my flat, all the mould is gone (it was disgusting) it has been redecorated and new carpets are down. Phew! Hopefully we get new tenants soon, then we can start to think about the more costly job of extending the lease (eek).

Hubby’s parents have been wonderful this week and have helped with some of the housework. I hate it as I am a very proud person and I don’t like admitting I can’t do everything… but I have to accept that with my pelvis the way it is right now, I really can’t do everything. Hubby is doing his best to keep on top of everything but he’s busy and tired too so even a little help from family is making all the difference at the moment. Thank goodness we are lucky enough to have support from all of our family!

Oh I also went for a drink mid-week with a very good friend who was actually my direct manager when I was last pregnant. It was lovely to catch up as it had been a couple of months, and she is getting married to one of hubby’s friends (I set them up, go me!) in August, so there was lots of exciting thing to catch up on! She also very kindly told me that I look much healthier than I did at this point in my last pregnancy. As my manager she was used to a very grey faced zombie staring at her blankly most days last time, and she is right as the sickness and zombie-ness is nowhere near as bad at the moment, so that is a very good positive thought! My pelvis may suck, but at least the sickness isn’t as bad this time. I’ll take that thank you!

I am really hoping that next week is just a little calmer… but Monkey has 2 birthday parties to go to this weekend! Aaaargh No rest in sight yet!

Signs of SPD/PGP and Burying my head in the Sand

Posted by Caroline Elliott

After announcing my pregnancy on Friday, and my ‘Back to the Beginning‘ post on Monday, this is another post about what has been happening so far – in an attempt to fully chart the progress of my pregnancy and get up to date!

I suffered quite badly with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, also known as Pelvic Girdle Pain, or PGP) in my last pregnancy and ended up on crutches and I was pretty immobile. I was advised not to swim as my pelvis was too unstable and my physio was very concerned and wanted me to keep my knees together as much as possible at all times, even to the point where she recommended tying my knees together overnight! Try keeping your knees together for a few hours, it makes climbing stairs, getting in and out of cars, and even walking pretty tricky!

As I knew that it can recur with subsequent pregnancies I had been trying to prepare for this next pregnancy. To get my muscles strong so that it could be minimised, but, well, I have failed. I had been doing the exercises my previous physio gave me, and thought all was well. Then I fell pregnant. I carried on with the exercises but realised that I was now getting the pain in my pelvis. Sad face. So I stopped doing the exercises and the pain went away. Tried to do them again, and the pain came back. Not what I was expecting and definitely not what I was hoping for!

I figured maybe I was doing the exercises wrong or something, and one thing I learnt with SPD last time was that something is causing you pain, don’t do it! It’s not like other conditions where it gets worse before it gets better, or you can push through the pain.With SPD, it get’s worse, before it gets even worse! So I stopped the exercises. The pain stopped for the most part but still popped back intermittently which meant I was worried about what that meant for the rest of my pregnancy!

The physio I saw privately when I was pregnant before is on maternity leave so I can’t see her to ask for advice. I needed to find a new physio. I went to see a lovely physio at about 6 weeks pregnant, who filled me with confidence. She felt some of my previous exercises were quite hard and may put pressure on my pelvis, and basically confirmed that if they are causing the pain then I should definitely not do them. We did some very simple exercises and apparently my legs, back and even arms are all quite weak which is why my pelvis is under so much pressure (bonkers really).

The exercises were so simple they seemed daft but I could feel them working and was full of confidence when I left her. But, she said to me that if I was in pain the following day as a result of the exercises, that there may not be any exercises I can do to prevent it getting worse. The following day I was in huge amounts of pain and my spirits slumped. I went from feeling completely positive and optimistic to abject misery and negativity.

What I should have done, was call her and talk to her right away, but, I was afraid. Afraid of what she would say if those ridiculously simple exercises had caused me so much pain. Afraid that she may reiterate what she said before, that if they caused me so much pain, there may not be anything I can do to prevent it happening. So I haven’t. I have buried my head in the sand. I know it’s daft, I know it could be said I am being a martyr and making the problem worse by not getting help, but I don’t know what to to do for the best. Do I go back to her and see if she can do anything? Or do I try somewhere else? And if they can’t do anything, what then? I’m scared and so I am being daft and hiding from it. My head is firmly in the sand because I don’t know what the solution is.

I am writing this 2 weeks later, at 8 weeks pregnant. I have been in pain basically every day. It’s intermittent and some days are better than others. I have been trying to be more aware of how I sit, and stand and basically do everything, to try and put as little pressure on my pelvis as possible. But with a toddler, it’s nigh on impossible. How can I be the mum I want to be, when I can’t sit on the floor, I can’t kneel, I can’t carry him, I can’t bounce him on my knees, I can’t crawl around with him to play games? I’m struggling at his tumble tots class and don’t know how long I can carry on taking him. I hate it and feel really unhappy about it. The fact that it is so early in the pregnancy and that I can’t blog/talk about it makes it even harder.

I’m struggling with the housework as it is now hurting when I do the hoovering, and again, crawling around cleaning floors and bathrooms is painful. I know I should call her, or someone else but I still can’t bring myself to do it. I have my first midwife appointment this week so will go down the NHS referral line. Last time I didn’t suffer from the SPD until a lot later on in the pregnancy and by the time I got the appt at the hospital I was already booked in for a C section, so I cancelled. This time I may fight to get a cancellation appt or something to get in as early as possible. I’m not sure if they will be able to do anything else to help though. I just wish I knew what I could do.

I have been feeling really down about it and I know that to some extent it is my fault, for not getting my head out of the sand. But we have so much other stuff going on in our lives at the moment (with operation garden renovation, and all the dramas surrounding my flat and our tenants) that it is easy to push this to the back of the queue and get on with everything else. I have been in tears quite a few times with the pain (and hormones no doubt) and with having to ask hubby to do more about the house as I am already finding so much of it physically difficult. I am wearing support pants every day to hold myself together as clearly my muscles aren’t doing the job on their own. The pants help but aren’t exactly comfortable and I just worry they are masking the problem, and that they aren’t making things better in the long run.

I need to make a decision and go to the physio, or find a new one, but at least do something. Time to get my head OUT of the sand. I am not an Ostrich, and repeat!

The update to this post is that I did dig my head out of the sand and called the physio. Full credit to her for her honesty, she admitted defeat and confirmed what I had thought, which was that I needed to see someone with more specific experience with SPD/PGP. So the hunt is on for another physio… stay tuned!

Do you ever bury your head in the sand, or are you stronger than me and face your problems head on?

Water Bead play – 22 months old

Posted by Caroline Elliott

This week I am linking an old post about a failed messy play attempt from about a year ago.

A few weeks ago I saw some other posts about playtime with water beads – but up until then I had never heard of them before! Designed for keeping plants watered they come in little pouches and are tiny until you soak them in water, when they gradually expand. The ones I bought said 4 hours so I did them overnight.

It is funny stuff, looks a bit like frogspawn, though is a bit bigger!

I chose the blue as I had visions of Monkey playing with it along with cloud dough, so it would be a bit like sea and sand. I got the Tuff Spot out and we had a go. As I expected Monkey was a little wary and unsure of how they felt at first.

He seemed to be having fun, but I was quite surprised at how easily they got smushed or broken up by his little feet and fingers, I hadn’t read about that on anyone else’s post! It’s part of the fun though I guess, Monkey like smushing them up more than anything, though he wasn’t that keen on them getting stuck to his feet!

He had a bit of a play, but unfortunately he got bored really fast.

And after about 10 minutes he was desperately trying to get out of the tuff spot, so I had to strip him off, clean his hands and feet and let him go. I was gutted, all the effort and all that mess for about 10 minutes, took me longer to clean up afterwards 🙁

I will try again with it as I have read lots of posts about kids enjoying it, and it’s not like he hated it… but it’s always a bit disheartening when you plan a new playtime or messy play activity and it just doesn’t go the way you hoped it would!

Have you had many play ideas like this, which haven’t worked out the way you’ve hoped?

Reflection #ThePrompt

Posted by Caroline Elliott

The Prompt from the lovely Sara at MumTurnedMom this week is “Reflection.”

As always, I wasn’t sure which angle to take. I had some provoking ideas – “Is your child a reflection of you and your parenting?” or “Is blogging a reflection of real life?” But honestly it’s been a busy old week and I really haven’t had the energy to tackle a deep or potentially controversial topic.

So as Monkey and I are sat on the sofa, at the start of a day where I have nothing planned, and we are both happy and calm, I am reflecting on how much things have changed. How much he has grown and how much I have grown as his mummy.

I make no secret of the fact that I found the first year of his life a struggle. Coming to terms with this new role of ‘mother.’ Coming to terms with no longer working, of trying to adapt to fit this new life as a SAHM. It’s why I started this blog.

If you’d asked me a year ago what my top tip would be to surviving, it would have been to get out of the house every day. For a large chunk of Monkey’s life – particularly since he became more alert and needed entertaining – I have had our weeks planned out. An average week would look like this:

Every morning, a work with my neighbour from 9-10ish. Then

Monday: See my parents
Tuesday: Tumbletots
Wednesday: Music class/Play date
Thursday: Storytime at the library/Play date
Friday: See Hubby’s parents.

Every morning and early afternoon was filled and if we did have a day with nothing, I would have to plan an activity – more for myself I know, because I struggled to spontaneously think about what to do to entertain him. I had to have a plan to keep myself sane. Days without a plan, or when plans got cancelled, were invariably the bad days. The days where I struggled, where I guess I panicked at the thought of having to entertain Monkey by myself all day. Where I started the day on the wrong foot and instead of being optimistic, I expected the day to be difficult, so of course, in a self fulfilling prophecy, it was difficult.

Things have changed now. Monkey has grown up. In may ways he is easier to entertain now. He has a longer attention span so isn’t distracted every 2 minutes (now it’s about 10 minutes ;)). He is getting more independent, and will find what he wants to play with sometimes. He can think for himself and though he obviously still wants a lot of my attention and interaction, and I am happy to give it, there are times when he doesn’t want or need me so much. I love watching these changes in him. It’s a bit scary to see my little man growing up and moving ever so slightly away from me… but for the most part I am just so proud watching him grow up.

I’m proud of myself too. The thought of a day with no plans doesn’t fill me with the same trepidation it once did. I don’t start the day miserable at the prospect. I know that he will be fairly happy pottering about in the house for part of the day. I know that a bit of telly won’t do him any harm (though he gets bored of the TV easily so it’s never on for long). If the weather is fine we will go for a run down a hill, or just on a walk around the local area, picking up sticks or knocking on trees.

If the weather is less good I will get out the paints, or cloud dough, or we could do some baking, and the time will pass. If we do go a bit stir crazy we can pop to a local shopping centre for a wander, or pull on the waterproofs and wellies and got for a splash about in the rain.

I used to obsess over weather forecasts to see what it meant for our day. Now I look out the window very so often.

I am a planner by nature so for the most parts our weeks are stilled planned, though there are definitely more gaps now. On a day with no plan, I try and form a vague plan in the morning, but it changes as the day goes by depending on how we feel and Monkey’s mood. I don’t cling to my plans like a liferaft.

Before Christmas I mentioned that we are thinking about baby number 2, and it is very much on our minds at the moment. The thought of going back to baby days does scare me slightly, because I struggled last time. I know it will be different this time, as I have done it once, and I have Monkey. But I know it won’t be easy so I am sure I will be needing my plans again if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again!

I’m also linking up with Mother Wife Me, Mama -and more and City Girl at Heart for All About You.

Word of the week – Imperfection

Posted by Caroline Elliott

This week I have been thinking a lot about

My own imperfection that is! It’s all too easy to wear rose tinted glasses with my blog. To show the world only the good things that happen in our house and my life. But that isn’t the full story, it’s not the Truth. And I don’t think it helps anyone.

I started this blog, partly to occupy myself, partly to share my experiences with the world in the hope that I may be able to help another mummy going through similar life changes as me. If I pretend that everything is hunky dory, that every baking attempt goes well, that every playtime idea is a success, I’m putting forward a false picture of my life.

So this week has been about taking off those rose tinted glasses and saying yup I am an imperfect person. I fail sometimes. I have bad days. I am human. So I pick myself up, dust myself down, forgive myself for my failings and try to learn something so that I may be more successful next time. You can read more about this here and here, if you want to 🙂

What’s your Word of the Week?

Our little builder – 20 mths

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Just a short one but I am feeling like a proud mama and wanted to share this. Monkey has loved Duplo for ages and has been steadily getting better at putting them together. They still frustrate him at times but he loves it (and we almost constantly have duplo spread across the living room).

He builds towers with daddy and his uncles but this was the first time that he built a little structure. He put the blocks onto the board and started to build his tower without ANY input from any adults.

I know it’s not that exciting or impressive but when we saw it we were so proud of him. I just love watching him grow and develop and it’s times like this that make me so happy that I am lucky enough to be a SAHM. Because I get to marvel at every teeny tiny development and know that I played a part in his learning and growth.

If you’ve not read my blog before PLEASE don’t take this to be meant as detrimental towards working mummies because it’s not, I firmly believe that every mummy has to make the choice that’s right for them and their families and am not judging the way anyone else chooses to raise their child/ren. But for me, entirely personally, and I know how lucky I am, this is what being a SAHM is all about.

Small steps like this make me feel so PROUD, mainly of him, for it’s his achievement. But a little bit proud of me too, for creating and nurturing this little wonder.

There’s no such thing as Perfect…BASAHM Surival Kit

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Next up in my Becoming a Stay at Home Mum Survival Kit I’m talking about perfection… or rather the lack of it.

I don’t believe in perfect. I really don’t. I mean I guess that in science there may be some things that are perfect – a perfect circle etc. But in people? Nope. I don’t believe perfect exists. Perfect partner, perfect marriage, perfect parent? It’s just not possible, no matter how hard you try. Because we are human beings and we make mistakes. We aren’t superhuman and able to juggle everything that life throws at us without a slip up now and then.

So aim to be the best you can be, by all means, but don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect.

God that sounds simple doesn’t it? If only it was that easy to do! To just know you’re doing the best you can and be happy and proud of that. I am trying really hard to be more like that. To not put so much pressure on myself to be ‘perfect.’ But I am coming to realise that I am a perfectionist even though I don’t believe in perfect. How ridiculous is that?

I like to succeed and I want to do well. I love baking and I want everything I make to turn out like it does in the books or on the website. But it hardly ever does! I am enjoying learning to crochet and thankfully it is a very forgiving craft but even then some things end up wonky or not how I imagine them. I love to write and am enjoying my blog. I used to be a proofreader as part of my previous job but I very often have spelling mistakes and typos in the blog posts I publish – no matter how many times I check and re-read them. So frustrating!

I try to be a perfect mum. As a SAHM this is my job now and I want to do well at it. I want to keep the house spotless, to have a well behaved and happy child at all times. I want to never shout at him, to never swear in front of him and always give him 100% of my attention while somehow also managing to do all of the other things I want to do. Cook, bake, crochet, clean, blog, read. All while being being well presented and happy myself. Do you see how ridiculous this sounds when you see it typed out? Pfff no wonder I don’t succeed. No wonder I sometimes feel like a failure. I have unrealistic expectations!

So you know what, occasionally, when I’m tired or have PMT, I shout at Monkey. I hate it and feel guilty afterwards but I am not perfect and I shout sometimes.

Sometimes, things go wrong. Something I am baking doesn’t quite work out and I have to throw it away, or eat it anyway and try to make it better next time.

Sometimes I don’t follow the crochet pattern properly, or something doesn’t work out the way I want so I have to unpick it or start again.

Sometimes, when I hurt myself or something goes wrong, or someone annoys me in the car, I swear in front of him. I hate it (it’s so weird my whole attitude to swearing had changed since he was born and I hate hearing it now – anyway post for another day!) but I do it.

My pile of shame..

Sometimes the house is a mess. I haven’t figured out the best routines for keeping on top of it. There’s quite often a pile of laundry to be sorted (I don’t iron). I hate dust. Why does it even exist? It winds me up.

Grumpy monkey

Sometimes Monkey is grumpy. Sometimes he tests his boundaries and throws a tantrum in a shop (cue dirty looks from passers by) but you know what? He’s not perfect either. If I can have off days, so can he. It does’t mean I’m a terrible parent or that I’m doing something wrong if he throws a tantrum.

Some days (okay, most days) my hair is a mess and I can’t be bothered to put make-up on. I have play-doh smushed into my jeans and dribble all over my shoulder.

I need to stop trying to be perfect. Although I console myself that in striving for perfection at least I am doing the best I can. I just need to be more realistic and less hard on myself for not being able to achieve something that isn’t possible.

Do you believe in perfect?

Happiness & Marriage #ThePrompt

Posted by Caroline Elliott

The quote for The Prompt this week is all about happiness

Happiness is anyone and anything at all, that’s loved by you. You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown

I guess it means that the person they are talking about is so wonderful that anyone or anything that is loved by that person can’t help but be happy as a result of that love.

I’ve also learned that this week is Marriage week and with Valentine’s Day coming up (we don’t actually do Valentine’s day, I have nothing against it, it’s just not for us) I wanted to write a post about Love and Marriage, and I felt that the two things actually combined rather well. I will try not to get too soppy though 🙂

Girly fun at Glastonbury 2009

For most of my twenties I had been happily independent, enjoying life and was for the most part single. But I knew what I wanted long term – which was to have a family, so I kissed a lot of frogs. I mean a LOT of frogs. I tried online dating and all sorts in my quest to meet a decent guy. I was even engaged once when I was younger. But I put up with some serious c**p from boyfriends. There’s been lazy ones, selfish ones, rude ones. I’ve been cheated on and been made to feel pretty worthless. And I put up with it. Why? Because I didn’t really believe in happily ever after, or one true love.

I liked the idea of it but was pretty cynical. I’ve always been one to look for the best in people, to give them the benefit of the doubt and to make the best of a situation. I always assumed that relationships were hard work and that you had to put up with some things (not the cheating or making you feel worthless – I never put up with that for long!) and that you would never get close to perfection in a partner. (I really don’t believe there’s any such thing as perfect in anything in life, but I’ll save that for another post!)

But by the time I met my hubby I was starting to despair somewhat and even called myself Terminally Single. So when my mum broached the idea of a blind date, instead of saying no as I had in the past, I said ‘why not? he can’t be worse than the guys I choose for myself.’ The rest, is history (You can read more about how we got together here if you want 🙂 )

Now? I am a bit of a convert. I am still cynical about a lot of things but I really believe my hubby is as close to being my perfect match as it is possible to get. I also think that we met at the right time and that had we met earlier (before the kissing of many frogs) I wouldn’t have appreciated how wonderful he is.

He is my best friend and he really is my ‘other half’. We very often think (and sometimes even say) the same things. We talk to each other about everything, and believe there’s no problem in our marriage that can’t be helped by talking about it. There’s nothing I can’t say to him, no matter how stupid I fear that it sounds. He’s the one person I know I can be 100% myself with, ho holding things back. In fact we are seriously rubbish at surprising each other as we are pants at keeping secrets from each other and very often give the game away – it’s the thought that counts though hehe.

Having a good old boogie together at my brother’s wedding. We’re both a bit loony I think!

We bicker occasionally but don’t really argue very often. We laugh together a lot. We support each other and the things we want to achieve – independently and together. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, which is a real biggy for someone who prided herself on her independence just a few years ago!

We want the same things out of life and have the same attitudes about a lot of important things, such as saving money and not using credit if we can avoid it. We agree on the way we want to raise our children (the number of children we don’t agree on yet but we will come to a compromise) and the importance of family in our lives.

Early days of parenthood…

No relationship is perfect, and we both have lazy tendencies so sometimes there is a bit of nagging that goes on and as we are both novices at this parenting lark we have disagreements about the day to day stuff, although they rarely last long. How best to get Monkey to sleep, how to get him to eat better, how/when should we introduce discipline. We don’t have all the answers and we don’t always agree but we muddle through and figure it out together. Our marriage is a partnership.

As a stay at home mum it’s sometimes hard to feel equal in that partnership, to feel that I am contributing as much as he is. I was so used to doing everything for myself that to have my hubby work so hard so I can stay at home to raise our Monkey was (and still is) a massive challenge for me. But I have to not focus on that or worry too much. I know, deep down, that both contributions are equal, just different. I try to do lots of little things that make hubby’s life a bit easier (I do some of his business accounts and other bits and bobs) and he does the same for me (like helping with the housework and with monkey so I can have me-time).

I’m very lucky that he recognises that being a SAHM isn’t an easy job and although I often feel like doing all the housework should be my responsibility as I am at home, he doesn’t, and he helps where he can. He NEVER asks the question ‘what have you been doing all day?’ even when he comes home to the house in a state and a dinner out of the freezer. He understands why there is usually a huge pile of washing to sort and why I often put writing this blog before housework in my list of priorities.

We appreciate each other and, fundamentally we are happy.

There’s a scene I love in the Sex and the City film (I am a huge fan!) where Samantha asks Charlotte how often she feels happy in her relationship and she says “Every day. Not all day, every day, but every day.” I love that line and that’s how I feel too. Not every day is amazing (that would be impossible), we have our downs as well as our ups, but there is always something, even if just one thing, every day that makes me happy in our marriage and with our life.

I know I am very lucky and hope I will never take my hubby or our marriage for granted, because I know how hard it was to find him.

At his work Christmas Party in December

Why don’t you join in with The Prompt by Mum Turned Mom? Or share your Marriage post with 3 Children and it.

Becoming a Stay at Home Mum

Can I really do this?

being a stay at home mum

Raising a good person

A glimpse into our home…

A very diverse week

Signs of SPD/PGP and Burying my head in the Sand

Water Bead play – 22 months old

Reflection #ThePrompt

Word of the week – Imperfection

Our little builder – 20 mths

There’s no such thing as Perfect…BASAHM Surival Kit

Happiness & Marriage #ThePrompt