Pregnancy

I hate big boobs and I cannot lie …

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Sorry, couldn’t resist the title, but yes, it is true, I hate big boobs. I know I am in the minority as stereotypically men prefer them, and I know that many women would prefer their boobs to be larger, but not me! No way Jose! I also partially apologise for the subject matter entirely, as it does feel a bit odd to be so openly talking about my boobs. But there is something about the lack of modesty that comes with pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding that leads me to want to write a post about boobs.

Just to clarify, it’s not that I have anything against women with big boobs, I don’t go round looking at big boobs shuddering and hating them, this is just about me, I hate having big boobs.

Being quite pear shaped, when I was younger I guess I wanted bigger boobs as an abstract  theory, but actually grew to be happy with the body that I had, smallish boobs and all. I guess it helps that they aren’t really small, I was a 32D, which actually makes them sound bigger than they are! Then I got pregnant, and with me, one of the first things to happen is the expansion of my boobs. It felt like I was in Mothercare every other week to get bras in the next size up! For a while I was buying nursing bras in the hope they may double as bras when breastfeeding, but I soon gave that up as it became evident they showed no signs of slowing down.

This pregnancy has been no different, except that I now have a drawer full of ever larger bras, but worryingly I am already in a 36 E which I think was about as big as I got when I was pregnant last time. God knows where I will end up this time.  One thing I have learned this time is that you can wear underwired bras when pregnant. Last time I read so many things about underwiring damaging your milk ducts that I spent months with huge boobs, wearing really unflattering bras that probably didn’t help my feelings towards them! I have found that research has improved in the last few years and that there is in fact no evidence to suggest the underwiring hurts your milk ducts in any way! Hooray! It makes sense to me as if your bra fits properly the wiring shouldn’t be digging in to breast tissue anyway!

My boob expansion doesn’t just end with pregnancy either. When choosing to breastfeed, I knew all about engorgement, but I did not realise quite how mammoth my boobs were going to become – 36G in the end – and I actually bought some of those clasp extenders for the back as I had given up on buying new bras by that point!

bras

I know some women would love this – in fact some of my friends miss their pregnancy/breastfeeding boobs and even consider surgical enhancement to fill what they call the “empty sacks” they were left with. I have nothing against that, if it is what you need to feel better about yourself, then go for it, but it’s not for me. I was happy to go back to small boobs in between pregnancies, because I felt like myself again.

I was happy with my body (ish, I mean who wouldn’t wanted a smaller bum, flatter tum etc) before I got pregnant and pregnancy changes it so much. Then came breastfeeding, and while I was glad I was able to do it (in the end) and will try again next time, there was a certain loss of self associated with it.

It sounds a bit bizarre as if my sense of self was entirely built around my boobs, but for a pear shaped girl the sudden expansion of my chest suddenly made me feel a lot bigger all over. The clothes I wore were different as they had to accommodate them and  I guess there is a link with breastfeeding in that I guess they never felt like mine. They were there for a purpose, to feed my little boy, and with engorgement and leaking at set times there was pretty regular reminders about this purpose. Clothing also had to make them fairly accessible, in order to pop them out on demand.

My boobs at about their biggest, when Monkey was 4mths old

Whenever I joke or complain about the size of my boobs already, people say I am lucky or that hubby must be pleased, but no on both counts. I don’t like them, they are heavy and uncomfortable. I now sleep in little crop top bras because they are too heavy not to have any support. Last time they looked so wide and just bleurgh because of the lack of control I was able to use on them.

This time at least I can shape them a bit with underwiring, but even with underwiring, the bras are huge, and hubby says it looks like I’ve had a boob job. And for the record, no he doesn’t love them. He’s slightly intrigued by the fact that they are huge but has told me before that he finds big boobs in general a little scary. Add to that the fact that mine are sore,  so no, he is not allowed near them!

Am I the only one who dislikes this particular change so much? I can’t be, surely?

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My pregnancy craving – Tangfastics!

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There is only one word that can really sum up my week! Tangfastics! I am obsessed with them, they are definitely my guilty pleasure at the moment!

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I’ve always been a fan of our sweets but I hardly ever eat them (I have had more than enough work on my teeth over the years to put me off eating them frequently). However, the last couple of weeks they are almost all I can think about. At the time of writing, I have eaten 4 packs this week!  It is seriously bonkers and I know I need to ration them, eating a tiny bit extra is one thing, 4 packs of sweets in less than a week is a whole other matter!!

After telling my friend she she is now convinced that it means I am having a baby girl, as even though she usually hates sour sweets, she had a huge craving for them when she was pregnant with her daughter. When I was pregnant with Monkey I didn’t  really have any particular cravings. I had a few aversions, mainly to spicy food, but no real cravings. This time though, give me those tangfastics!

I wonder if it means something? I have googled pregnancy cravings and according to experts  they have no relation whatsoever to the sex of your baby and are merely your body’s response to hormonal changes and nutritional requirements. I’m not sure what nutritional requirements 5 bags of tangfastics could possible be fulfilling!

There are so many old wives tales that suggest you can tell whether you are having a boy or a girl. Whether you are carrying high or low, whether your hair is shiny or dull, and of course what types of food you are craving! But there seems to be so much online debunking these theories that it is hard to tell if any of them have any relation to to reality, or if they really are a load of nonsense.

I’ve been in quite a bit of pain again this week – I have new exercises from my physio which should help in the long term, but which right now are really aggravating my SPD. So on Thursday afternoon, when my stash of tangfastics ran out, and my hip and pelvis were seriously hurting, I made my first “Pregnant Wife who’s in a lot of pain and really feeling sorry for herself” call to hubby to nip to the shop and get me some! I am glad he works so close! Naughty wife!

In other news though we had a lovely BBQ for my birthday at the weekend, lots of family and friends, and somehow the rain held off! As always with lots of people and toddlers it was a bit chaotic at times but overall a lot of fun. Nice that we had the garden ready for it too, although it was a shame we couldn’t walk on the turf!

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What’s your Word of the Week? And did you have any pregnancy cravings? Have any stories of Old Wives’ tales that turned out to be true? I’d love to hear them!

The Reading Residence
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Early Maternity Fashion

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I turned 12 weeks last week (I had my first scan on Friday) and am in that delightful stage where I no longer fit into some of my clothes (bye bye skinny jeans for a while) but am not looking pregnant. Family and friends are starting to notice the beginnings of a bump, that slightly rounded tum, but to anyone who doesn’t know I am pregnant, let’s face it, I just look a bit chubby!

Now, I have never been a skinny girl, I have big wide hips and a rather rotund bottom. I have always been a definite pear shape and while occasionally I could squeeze into size 12 trousers, size 14 (and sometimes 16) trousers have always been the norm for me. Top half though is more of a 10-12. As a teenager I hated my lower half, being given the nickname “thunder thighs” by one of my brother’s friends didn’t help with that, but as I got older I learnt to at least accept my body shape and be happy with what I’ve got. One of the benefits of being pear shaped is that I always had a fairly flat tum. I’m not talking washboard abs or anything, but I have always carried weight around hips and bum, rather than on my tummy.

So one of the things I find tricky to come to terms with when I get pregnant, is the expansion above the waistline. My boobs get a bit ridiculous really early on, I have another post about them planned but so far I have gone from a 32D to a 36E, last time I reached a 36G, bonkers. Anyway then obviously my tummy soon stops being flat. This seems to happen quite quickly for me, I guess it is different with everyone and must depend on your body shape but because I am used to having little in the way of a tum, maybe I notice it bulging sooner?

early bump

It’s not all from baby either, I am happy to admit that I am eating a little more than pre-pregnancy. Not loads, and I know the whole eating for 2 is a myth, but you know what? I find pregnancy tiring. Really tiring, so to get through the day I snack more than normal, and eat a bit more chocolate because it helps me feel better. And if there is one time in your life where you shouldn’t worry about a couple of extra pounds I feel it should be when you are growing another human being inside your body. I lost my baby weight after Monkey, (thank you WW) and so I know I can do it again. Plus I can’t be overeating that much as the only places I am growing is tummy and boobs, everything else seems about the same size.

The problem with all of this is flattering clothing. I love the look of a lovely baby bump, but I’m not there yet. It’s obviously too soon for maternity clothes,  but I also can no longer wear many of my pre-pregnancy clothes, as my waistline is expanding. As a SAHM a lot of my outfits involve colourful skinny jeans and slightly loose longline tops, as I spend a lot of the time on hands and knees playing and I HATE the builders bum you can get in low-rise jeans! But I can’t get into those skinny jeans anymore, there would be no hiding the builders bum with the excess weight I am now carrying. Plus with morning sickness and the odd bit of heartburn I hate my tummy feeling restricted as I expand. So what do I wear?

Leggings and dresses. Lots of leggings and lots of tunics and dresses!! I took a trip to Primarni (Primark, just pretending it’s posher than it is) for a load of £5 tunic dresses the other day as while I had a few, I by no means had enough to be wearing one every day. And I honestly don’t know what else to wear!

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A few of my dress combos, ignore the socks and slippers lol!

I’m not buying more jeans in a bigger size, because there’s no point, I will grow out of them super fast, and I hate feeling restricted. I have lots of maternity jeans and clothes from last time but it feels daft wearing them yet. Interestingly I had a conversation a while ago with an ex-friend who was pregnant, telling me that her clothes were too tight and she couldn’t do them up. I excitedly commented it may be time for maternity clothes soon, and honestly, the look she gave me! “Er no, I  won’t be needing maternity clothes” as if I couldn’t possibly have suggested anything worse! Barmy really. Think she planned on leggings and jumpers/dresses for the rest of the pregnancy, but honestly, I am bored of this ‘uniform’ already and will be looking forward to some variety!

After all, this phase is just temporary, and when my current leggings get too tight I will break out the maternity leggings. Then will follow the maternity jeans and as I will be pregnant over the summer this time I may get some maternity shorts. It has surely got to be about comfort!?

But for now, I will stick to my routine of leggings and dresses, to hide the slightly flabby looking bump, until it starts looking more like an actual ‘bump’!

What did you find most comfortable when you were pregnant? Particularly in the early stages? Or did you manage to keep your regular wardrobe a bit longer than I have?

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The Magic Moment of that First Scan

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The first trimester of pregnancy can be pretty rough. I know it’s not the same for every woman, some have an easier time than others, and some have it far far worse than me, but in general it can be a difficult time.

You find out you are pregnant and feel really excited, but you’re not supposed to tell anyone yet, in case something goes wrong. Then the symptoms kick in. Morning (or all day) sickness, exhaustion, aches, pains, heartburn, constipation, flatulence. All sorts of joyful fun to experience, let alone physical changes such as bigger boobs, and potentially a rounding of the tummy. All the while you are supposed to be keeping it secret.

Even while you are feeling all of these physical effects, I find that for me, the pregnancy still doesn’t feel real at this stage. I guess after the initial excitement of the positive test wears off, I hold myself back from being too happy, just in case. Plus when you feel rough every day it is hard to feel positive about it. There is no doubt that being lucky enough to fall pregnant and bear a child is a blessing, but that doesn’t make it fun. And I don’t think you should have to pretend that it is, if that is not how you feel.

Anyway, digressing, the weeks tick by and, whether you’ve kept it completely secret, or told a few people, to most people in the world, nothing is happening, and even with feeling a bit rough, there are times when you wonder if anything is happening too. I guess what I am saying  is that sometimes it is hard to equate the changes to your body, with the life growing inside of you.

Then comes the day of your scan – which I think they call the 11-14 week dating scan now, but it is usually around the 12 week mark. You are excited to see your little one, but nervous as for most mummies this is the first time you see what is going on in there. There’s obviously the nerves associated with wondering if all is ok and developing as it should be.

You go into the ultrasound room and within a few minutes you suddenly see this little baby on the screen. Not a cluster of cells, or a tadpole like creature (that you will probably have seen if you read any of the early ‘your baby this week’ articles on the web) but a teeny tiny human, with arms and legs and a little heart fluttering away it’s own rhythm. It is a truly incredible moment to see that small baby, that you have grown inside you.

It suddenly feels real, and, if all is well, relief washes over you. It doesn’t mean all is safe from here on in of course, but for now, you can see your new little one. That little person created by you and your partner, who is growing and developing safely in your tummy.

We saw baby number 2 on Friday and he/she was such a little wriggle bum, flipping about all over the place. Kicking their little legs about, touching their face with their hands, rolling all over the show while the ultrasound technician was trying to get the measurements.

The first trimester is done (or nearly) and the risks of miscarriage greatly reduce. You can take a sigh of relief and tell the world if you want to. Show them that first picture of your little one. Look forward to the second trimester, where the symptoms *should* reduce and you could hopefully start to feel better and less exhausted.

Hello little one, and hello second trimester!

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VBAC or Elective C?

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I had my first midwife appointment today and she asked how I felt about this question, and I can’t say I haven’t thought about it a lot, but I am nowhere near reaching a decision!

VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) or an Elective C-Section?

During my previous pregnancy I had high hopes of a natural delivery, hopefully including a water birth. Because of my SPD I felt this would be the best route as the water should help support my pelvis and limit at least some of the pain! I was quite open regarding pain relief and figured that as I had no idea how labour felt, or how I would react to that pain that the best approach was to see how it went and make decisions at the time.

Then, Monkey was Breech. After lots of attempts to turn him, ranging from being advised to ‘visualise the baby turning’ which hubby helped with by turning himself around in bed (lol, which was hilarious, and ridiculous, but sadly DIDN’T help!) to having a consultant attempt to forcibly turn him in the womb via an ECV. That was seriously painful and not an experience I’d care to repeat! It obviously comes with some risks too.

So as he refused point blank to turn around it was recommended that we have a C Section. I hate the word elective as it feels like somehow you are choosing that option, for no other reason than you want one. What they mean is ‘planned’ rather than ’emergency’ so I wish they’d just use the word planned! Anyway, digressing, I know it is possible to deliver a breech baby naturally however I did do a lot of research and found evidence to suggest that since C-Sections have become the more popular option in breech cases, that the skill level required to deliver a breech baby naturally isn’t found as commonly in hospitals anymore. While you may be lucky and have a midwife who has delivered breech babies, and knows exactly how best to do it, you may also have a midwife who has never delivered a breech baby before, as they are more commonly born via C-section. This means that the risks of a natural breech birth are now actually higher than the risks of having a C Section. (That is how I interpreted the research and advice I received at the time – I am not a midwife, doctor or scientist and it may not be correct, all I can do is say how we made our decision.)

So we opted for a C-section. Now, it turns out that I have a Bicornuate Uterus (sort of heart shaped rather than round) and Monkey had no chance in turning round, because he was stuck in one side and could not turn. The consultant advised that there is basically a 50/50 chance that any future pregnancy would also be breech, which would mean there isn’t much of a decision to make and we would go for a C-Section again without question.

But the question is, what would I do if the baby is not breech. Would I go down the road I know and have a C-Section regardless? Plan it in and eliminate all doubt? Or do I think back to my original hopes for my previous pregnancy and aim for a natural water birth?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t relish the thought of going under the knife again. I would much rather not have the post surgery recovery time, the agony of life that is post C-Section, when you realise more than ever before how important your stomach muscles are and how debilitating it is when moving them causes you agony! I don’t want to be in hospital for days post birth again, being kept awake by all of the other babies on the ward, in addition to my own, struggling to care for baby in those hours overnight when hubby has to go home and I can barely move. That I am NOT looking forward to should I choose that route.

BUT, and it is a big but, the birth itself was calm and relatively stress free.We knew the day, I went to a wedding the day before, knowing the next day I would have my baby. We checked in and were second on the list so Monkey was born by 10am. there was no pain pre-birth, it all ran very smoothly and was just lovely and calm.

I am a planner so for me the unknown elements of giving birth have always terrified me somewhat. When will it happen? Will I go to hospital too early and be sent home? Will I leave it too late and not get there in time? How bad will the pain be? How will I cope? (I’ve watched one born and I know some women cope better with the pain than others – not criticising, we are all built differently and can’t compare, it’s just hard not knowing how it will be for me.) Will I need an epidural? What if something goes wrong? What if I need an assisted delivery? What if I need an emergency C-Section anyway and still have all the negatives of a C-Section, without the benefits of the calm build up?

Add to this the SPD, I know women with SPD give birth naturally all the time but there are added complications and there are fewer recommended positions, for example being on your knees is recommended far and away above lying on a bed with your legs in stirrups.

Am I just nervous? Is that why I am hesitating? Am I a coward for wanting to go down the ‘known’ route of a planned C-Section? Am I less of a woman if I never go through the experience of a natural birth? Am I missing out? But then should I take the option of a natural birth (which comes with it’s own risks as well after a C-Section, including tearing the uterus scar) purely to avoid these opinions? Should I be swayed by such negative thoughts?

I am not going to rush the decision as I am well and truly divided over which I would prefer. I may end up having very little choice anyway if this baby is breech too, so in some ways I don’t want to get my hopes up for a natural birth. I am being referred to the VBaC Clinic, where they will hopefully be able to give me some further advice and help me to make an informed decision.

have you had any experience of this decision? Which way did you go?

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Feeling the Support

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After an insanely busy week last week, this week has been much calmer, and thank goodness as I really needed it to be. There has been lots more positivity this week too so that was nearly my Word of the Week, but instead I have gone for “Support” and I will tell you why.

Regular readers will know about the ups and downs I have had with my pelvis so far in this pregnancy, and I have basically been in a lot of pain due to a lack of support in that region. But on Monday morning I met my new physio who was wonderful and positive and supportive and she has made the world of difference already. I won’t go into too much detail here, but I have written more about it in my week 10 update, if you would like to read more.

One thing I will mention though is that I now have a rather fetching support brace, which is MUCH better than anything I have had before, in that it actually supports my pelvis. It’s not a miracle cure of course and the pain isn’t miraculously gone, but I have felt able to do more with Monkey this week. I haven’t been shying away from walks to the park for fear of the pain I would be in. I have been able to wear the support and have it take some of the strain for me and allow me to be more of the Mum I want to be. Yay!

The other reason I have chosen the word support is because my friends have been so supportive of me lately too, and I feel very very lucky to have such lovely supportive friends. They are a relatively new group of friends, we all met working in the same office and we have really got close since we all had children fairly close in age. I popped round to see one of them for a play date last Friday and I was feeling particularly low. I was in a lot of pain and was so tired after a busy week, but I needed to get out of the house with Monkey.

One thing I always worry about is being that annoying person who is constantly moaning. Growing up my Dad used to moan about his back allll the time, to everyone, and I would see people’s eyes glaze over as he banged on and on about it without ever asking anyone else how they were. I would never want to be thought of the way that I know he was. But it’s a balance because I don’t want to be a martyr either and not tell people who are close to me when I am suffering.

So I was at my friend’s and she knew bits of what was going on, but not all and she wanted to know how I was. I still held back a little though and at one point apologised to her for being such a moaning minnie. She looked at me and said “Seriously Caroline, You don’t have to be happy all the time. This is rubbish and you’re allowed to be miserable, and I want to know how you really are!” I think I cried a little (I blame pregnancy hormones) and spilled. And you know what, I felt so much better for it. I worry too much sometimes and need to trust people more.

As a group we went out for dinner on Tuesday and had a lovely time (even though our food took nearly and hour and a half and we didn’t get to eat until 9pm! Shocking service!) and again just felt really lucky to have a great group of friends and they were all so happy for me that the physio went well on Monday. There was lots of fun and giggles all evening and it was just lovely.

My husband and our families have been so supportive too and been rallying around to play with Monkey and get some of the housework done that I can no longer do, and overall I am just feeling like the pressure has lifted. The combination of being able to physically do a bit more because of my support belt, and feeling supported by friends and family has made for a much nicer week.

I think the fact that the week has been calmer and full of early nights has really helped too though! So there we have it, my word of the week is “Support.” What’s yours?

The Reading Residence
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My pregnancy, week 10 – symptoms are improving!

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I am now 10 1/2 weeks pregnant (eek, I think the baby is now officially a fetus, and is about the size of a prune!) Sickness has abated very nicely and with getting a few early nights lately I am feeling a bit less tired. A quieter week than last week is definitely helping on that front too! I’m getting a bit of heartburn now though so am relying on gaviscon a lot at the moment, which does help, so we will see how that goes.

The only thing that is draining the joy out of this pregnancy now the sickness is fading, is my Pelvis and PGP/SPD issues. Regular readers will know this already, but if not, the hormone relaxin, which is essential during pregnancy to allow your body to make room for your baby, isn’t kind to some of us, and makes our pelvis relax too far, meaning it is less stable and moves around more. This in turn causes friction and irritation on the joints of the pelvis, and anything from a little, to a lot of pain. It generally comes on later in pregnancy but for some of us unlucky ones it springs up as early as the first trimester. I had it in late pregnancy last time, and this time it appeared at around 6 weeks :(.

There has been all sorts of ups and downs over the past month in regard to this but I am pleased to let you know I am in a very definite ‘up’ at the moment! After a lot of tears I managed to speak to the head women’s health Physio at the hospital last week and I saw her on Monday and she was just as lovely in person as she was over the phone!

The physio session itself was great, we talked a lot and she laid some of my fears to rest. Fear has played a big role in this pregnancy so far, as I know how painful it got last time, and how immobile I was. Information about the condition has also grown since last time. Last time I was warned that I could pull my pelvis apart because it was so unstable, and I was told not to swim, and my physio didn’t even want me climbing stairs. So I have been afraid this time and not known what to do, out of fear of doing permanent damage. The meeting with my new physio has helped set many of those fears to rest.

It is extremely rare to be able to pull your pelvis apart so the key, key thing is that if I cause myself pain, I am not actually causing myself any damage. My biggest fear was that I would damage my pelvis and that the pain would continue after the birth. It is possible that the pain will be there after birth, but it is unlikely, and I can’t pull my pelvis apart. She said that short of falling downstairs with one leg staying up, and the other going down (ouch!), it would be incredibly hard to damage your pelvis in that way. So that is a big relief! It obviously doesn’t mean that I can just carry on as normal, and pretend it’s not happening as it will get more painful. But at least I know if I do overdo it, it should only result in short term suffering.

There is also pain relief I can get! Woohoo! I mean there’s the obvious paracetamol but that just doesn’t really do anything for me, and aside from that it can be so hard to know what to take when you’re pregnant as you obviously don’t want to risk the baby. I am going to try and do without as much as possible, especially this early in the pregnancy, but it is great to know that if things get really bad, I can take some co-codamol – which I will need to get prescribed by my doctor.

She has also given me a proper support band. Basically my muscles in my bum should be strong enough to hold my pelvis in the right position, but apparently they aren’t, so wearing the support will do the job of holding my pelvis in place, meaning I can do more, while experiencing less pain. It’s quite tight (as you would expect) and not very comfortable when sitting – but it does mean I can carry on with going for walks with my neighbour every morning (which had been giving me a lot of pain) and I can take Monkey to the park without worrying about how painful it is going to be. I’ve only had it a couple of days but already it feels soo much better!

She also worked really hard on some of my muscles which were in spasm, it was incredibly painful but so so worth it. She has recommended heat packs, and I am kicking myself for not thinking about a heat pack earlier! I have a microwaveable wheat bag anyway and it is so handy for sore muscles, can’t believe I haven’t thought to use it! It will be in use a lot from now on though!

I’ve got a couple of very simple exercises to strengthen my bum muscles (sounds weird doesn’t it?) which should help without putting too much strain on my pelvis. So hopefully I can do those without too much pain, and they can help my body to support my pelvis a bit better.

She was so lovely too and we were chatting away throughout, and everything she said just made sense to me! So I feel much more relaxed and confident about it all now. I was reading something about PGP the other day, which said something that really struck home. It isn’t just the physical limitations of the condition that cause harm to women in pregnancy, but also the psychological effects. Pregnancy “should” be a joyful time, but when you’re in pain, it is incredibly hard to find that joy. You worry about being seen as constantly moaning, and you want to be able to just do the things you would normally do, but you can’t. It makes it incredibly difficult and because many people don’t know about the condition, it can be hard for them to understand what you are going through, and therefore very hard to explain.

Feeling more positive about the fact that I now have a physio who I believe can help me, and steps in place to improve things already, I feel like a bit of weight as lifted from my shoulders. I know that it isn’t a quick fix and I will continue to struggle with a lot of this, but a little bit of hope really goes a long way!

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A very diverse week

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There are many words I could use to describe the past week – hectic, varied, hospital, baking, exciting, depressing, progress, hopeful, honestly I could go on, so I have gone for Diverse.

Right… where to start?

We had a lovely weekend, fairly busy but it was my MIL’s birthday on Sunday so that was lovely, and then my parents are having their kitchen renovated at the moment so we invited them round for Sunday tea. Monkey loved a day with all of his lovely grandparents so that was nice!

Monday was a very exciting day! In case you haven’t heard, I was invited to meet Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro by TLC. It really was a LOT of fun. It was also really tiring – a slightly rushed trip down to central London, hours of being on my feet (soooo not good for my Pelvis but I wasn’t about to make a fuss), and you know how it is, all the mingling and small talk can get quite exhausting at the best of times, let alone when being preggo is tiring me out as it is! It was wonderful but I was so tired, some of my London girls wanted to meet for a drink afterwards but honestly there was no way I could do it, far too tired!

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it here, as there is enough for another post about my SPD this week, but there has been some very low lows and a very happy glimmer of hope this week and hopefully we will be making some progress soon on that front. I was at the hospital on Tuesday which felt like a waste of time but have another appointment on Monday that will hopefully be more positive.

My parents looked after Monkey while I was at the hospital on Tues, and they had a whale of a time. But we are all a bit daft, as I had forgotten to get them a key to the house so Monkey couldn’t come inside in time for his nap. D’oh! They kept him going but by the time I got home he wasn’t very interested in napping! It wasn’t a terrible afternoon, just very tiring. Then by bedtime he was so overtired and honestly I am a dummy as I gave him some cake at tea time and with the over tiredness and sugar the poor lamb took ages to get off to sleep. We really take for granted what a good sleeper he is usually and nights like that are so rare and worse because I caused it. Poor Monkey 🙁

Wednesday saw our second trip to the hospital , for Monkey this time. I’ve mentioned before how a health visitor had moaned at me that he walked with his feet out and that we should get it checked. Blah blah. Anyway, to avoid a repeat of this at his 2 year check we duly went to the Drs and got referred to the hospital. We have now seen a pediatric orthopedic doctor who has confirmed what we thought, that Monkey is normal and that it will probably correct itself naturally as he gets older, and that then as he becomes more self conscious he will probably turn his own feet in. So it was a waste of time, but in the best possible sense, and much as we hoped it would be the case, you never really know. So for all my moaning about it, I know it was worth getting it checked just to make sure that it is all normal!

There’s also lots of progress on the Garden renovation …. more to come on that next week but it is taking shape, eek! We have got the landscapers in and they are doing a fab job!

Also, the work has all been done in my flat, all the mould is gone (it was disgusting) it has been redecorated and new carpets are down. Phew! Hopefully we get new tenants soon, then we can start to think about the more costly job of extending the lease (eek).

Hubby’s parents have been wonderful this week and have helped with some of the housework. I hate it as I am a very proud person and I don’t like admitting I can’t do everything… but I have to accept that with my pelvis the way it is right now, I really can’t do everything. Hubby is doing his best to keep on top of everything but he’s busy and tired too so even a little help from family is making all the difference at the moment. Thank goodness we are lucky enough to have support from all of our family!

Oh I also went for a drink mid-week with a very good friend who was actually my direct manager when I was last pregnant. It was lovely to catch up as it had been a couple of months, and she is getting married to one of hubby’s friends (I set them up, go me!) in August, so there was lots of exciting thing to catch up on! She also very kindly told me that I look much healthier than I did at this point in my last pregnancy. As my manager she was used to a very grey faced zombie staring at her blankly most days last time, and she is right as the sickness and zombie-ness is nowhere near as bad at the moment, so that is a very good positive thought! My pelvis may suck, but at least the sickness isn’t as bad this time. I’ll take that thank you!

I am really hoping that next week is just a little calmer… but Monkey has 2 birthday parties to go to this weekend! Aaaargh No rest in sight yet!

The Reading Residence

A Rollercoaster of Emotions, but a Glimmer of Hope

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This week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. After a wonderful night in London on Monday,  on Tuesday I was in a lot of pain, and shattered. But it was a busy day and I had what I thought was going to be a physio session at the hospital, so I was quite excited. My parents looked after Monkey and hubby came along to be my advocate. But we got there and unfortunately hubby wasn’t allowed in and it turned out to be a group session where they basically told us all the things we shouldn’t do, to manage our pain. No hoovering, no loading the washing machine, no washing up, no crossing your legs. Don’t do anything that causes you pain, keep your knees together at all times.

I could have screamed as I know all of this. All the other ladies were much further along in their pregnancies and for many it was the first time they had experienced pain. We had to describe our pain too and there was a real variety. I am not belittling anyone else’s pain because no-one can know what things feel like to different people, but it seemed like such an unspecific session as there was some ladies with a bit of lower back pain, one with what sounded like sciatica and a few of us with the real sharp pains at the front of the pelvis. All grouped under one session which seemed a bit generalised to me!

I understand why they do it, as I am sure for some ladies that would be enough, but having been through this once before, and with all my fears about the fact that it has started so early it felt like such a waste of time and I was miserable when I left. I’ve been given a tubi-grip support but been told it won’t help me now, though it will do later when I have a bump. And in the meantime???? It wasn’t a happy evening for me as I had been so hopeful and the letter from the hospital had been really misleading about what to expect, advising me to wear loose clothing so the therapist could examine me, when they never even got close enough to touch me, let alone examine me!

But, and there is a But, a positive one. We were given an SOS appt. Basically we are meant to follow these instructions for a few weeks and if we can’t manage then call back. Because I have been through this before I have been doing so many of the things they have described since I first felt pain at 6 wks pregnant. So I called them on Wednesday morning. The receptionist was very snooty (why are they like that sometimes?) and really didn’t want to listen to my explanation and just kept repeating, “you only came in Yesterday” and eventually said “Well I’ll pass a message to the physio to see what they want to do with you, because you only came in yesterday and they are very busy.” I felt gutted and was sure that I was going to be told to wait or something.

Not very positive yet is it? Well, then I got a phone call from the head Women’s Health Physio at the hospital, and she was LOVELY! So helpful and by the time I spoke to her I couldn’t stop crying, and you know what, she understood! I didn’t have to tell her how worried I was about it starting so early because she described my feelings exactly! She even understood how hard it must be with a toddler to look after.

She gave me a glimmer of hope that for some women it is at it’s worst in the first trimester because of the crazy rush of hormones, and that it may get better in the second trimester (please, please, please, please, please). But she also said that because it is so early SHE wants to see me personally, she doesn’t want anyone else to see me as she wants to make sure she does everything they can! Yay! She was very very kind and supportive and made me feel like what I am going through mattered, and that it was something she had helped other ladies through before. After feeling like I was basically being told to just lump it and get on with it, having someone agree that there is a problem, and actually offer to help, felt miraculous!

She started off saying that she is very busy and has a full diary so I was bracing myself for a long wait for an appt, but then she said she can do 8.30am on Monday! Wahoo! So watch this space and I really hope she can help me in a way other than telling me not to do anything that causes me pain for the next 7 mths, as that means basically lying down all day which is impossible with Monkey to look after!

I really hope I can stop boring everyone with posts about this soon, but I have to blog it out otherwise I would go mad!

Signs of SPD/PGP and Burying my head in the Sand

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After announcing my pregnancy on Friday, and my ‘Back to the Beginning‘ post on Monday, this is another post about what has been happening so far – in an attempt to fully chart the progress of my pregnancy and get up to date!

I suffered quite badly with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, also known as Pelvic Girdle Pain, or PGP) in my last pregnancy and ended up on crutches and I was pretty immobile. I was advised not to swim as my pelvis was too unstable and my physio was very concerned and wanted me to keep my knees together as much as possible at all times, even to the point where she recommended tying my knees together overnight! Try keeping your knees together for a few hours, it makes climbing stairs, getting in and out of cars, and even walking pretty tricky!

As I knew that it can recur with subsequent pregnancies I had been trying to prepare for this next pregnancy. To get my muscles strong so that it could be minimised, but, well, I have failed. I had been doing the exercises my previous physio gave me, and thought all was well. Then I fell pregnant. I carried on with the exercises but realised that I was now getting the pain in my pelvis. Sad face. So I stopped doing the exercises and the pain went away. Tried to do them again, and the pain came back. Not what I was expecting and definitely not what I was hoping for!

I figured maybe I was doing the exercises wrong or something, and one thing I learnt with SPD last time was  that something is causing you pain, don’t do it! It’s not like other conditions where it gets worse before it gets better, or you can push through the pain.With SPD, it get’s worse, before it gets even worse! So I stopped the exercises. The pain stopped for the most part but still popped back intermittently which meant I was worried about what that meant for the rest of my pregnancy!

The physio I saw privately when I was pregnant before is on maternity leave so I can’t see her to ask for advice. I needed to find a new physio. I went to see a lovely physio at about 6 weeks pregnant, who filled me with confidence. She felt some of my previous exercises were quite hard and may put pressure on my pelvis, and basically confirmed that if they are causing the pain then I should definitely not do them. We did some very simple exercises and apparently my legs, back and even arms are all quite weak which is why my pelvis is under so much pressure (bonkers really).

The exercises were so simple they seemed daft but I could feel them working and was full of confidence when I left her. But, she said to me that if I was in pain the following day as a result of the exercises, that there may not be any exercises I can do to prevent it getting worse. The following day I was in huge amounts of pain and my spirits slumped. I went from feeling completely positive and optimistic to abject misery and negativity.

What I should have done, was call her and talk to her right away, but, I was afraid. Afraid of what she would say if those ridiculously simple exercises had caused me so much pain. Afraid that she may reiterate what she said before, that if they caused me so much pain, there may not be anything I can do to prevent it happening. So I haven’t. I have buried my head in the sand. I know it’s daft, I know it could be said I am being a martyr and making the problem worse by not getting help, but I don’t know what to to do for the best. Do I go back to her and see if she can do anything? Or do I try somewhere else? And if they can’t do anything, what then? I’m scared and so I am being daft and hiding from it. My head is firmly in the sand because I don’t know what the solution is.

I am writing this 2 weeks later, at 8 weeks pregnant. I have been in pain basically every day. It’s intermittent and some days are better than others. I have been trying to be more aware of how I sit, and stand and basically do everything, to try and put as little pressure on my pelvis as possible. But with a toddler, it’s nigh on impossible. How can I be the mum I want to be, when I can’t sit on the floor, I can’t kneel, I can’t carry him,  I can’t bounce him on my knees, I can’t crawl around with him to play games? I’m struggling at his tumble tots class and don’t know how long I can carry on taking him. I hate it and feel really unhappy about it. The fact that it is so early in the pregnancy and that I can’t blog/talk about it makes it even harder.

I’m struggling with the housework as it is now hurting when I do the hoovering, and again, crawling around cleaning floors and bathrooms is painful. I know I should call her, or someone else but I still can’t bring myself to do it. I have my first midwife appointment this week so will go down the NHS referral line. Last time I didn’t suffer from the SPD until a lot later on in the pregnancy and by the time I got the appt at the hospital I was already booked in for a C section, so I cancelled. This time I may fight to get a cancellation appt or something to get in as early as possible. I’m not sure if they will be able to do anything else to help though. I just wish I knew what I could do.

I have been feeling really down about it and I know that to some extent it is my fault, for not getting my head out of the sand. But we have so much other stuff going on in our lives at the moment (with operation garden renovation, and all the dramas surrounding my flat and our tenants) that it is easy to push this to the back of the queue and get on with everything else. I have been in tears quite a few times with the pain (and hormones no doubt) and with having to ask hubby to do more about the house as I am already finding so much of it physically difficult. I am wearing support pants every day to hold myself together as clearly my muscles aren’t doing the job on their own. The pants help but aren’t exactly comfortable and I just worry they are masking the problem, and that they aren’t making things better in the long run. 

I need to make a decision and go to the physio, or find a new one, but at least do something. Time to get my head OUT of the sand. I am not an Ostrich, and repeat!

The update to this post is that I did dig my head out of the sand and called the physio. Full credit to her for her honesty, she admitted defeat and confirmed what I had thought, which was that I needed to see someone with more specific experience with SPD/PGP. So the hunt is on for another physio… stay tuned!

Do you ever bury your head in the sand, or are you stronger than me and face your problems head on?

Mother.Wife.Me