Creativity is the Key – BASAHM Survival Kit

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Part four in my series – Becoming a Stay at Home Mum Survival Kit. This week the theme is Creativity – and no, I don’t mean the arts and crafts side of creativity. You don’t have to be a budding artist or writer to be a good mummy (though there are many that are). But sometimes a pinch of creativity can really help as a parent.

What do I mean? I am talking diversionary tactics! Who knew you had to be a military strategist as a parent?

Picture this. I’m out on a walk with Monkey and he gets it in his little head that he wants to go down a different path to the one that I am leading him. I start walking one way, he another. His feet are planted firmly on the ground and he is on the verge of a meltdown. For my part I am on the verge of exasperation – I know that path leads to Grandma’s house (and the promise of biscuits), which is why he wants to go that way. I try to cajole, to persuade and nothing, just lots of pointing and shaking of his head.

What to do? The battle is about to commence. There’s a famous quote from the Japanese Military Strategist Sun Tzu:

“For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.”

It’s time to get a bit creative. I look around and see a tree and I am off to hide behind it. Thankfully Monkey loves a bit of hide and seek and he soon is running to find me with a huge grin on his face, I jump out and raaa! Then I am on to the next tree, and so on, you get the idea. Wahoo! Victory without any blood (or tears) being shed!

There isn’t always a tree about which is why I have to be creative to find something to distract him. He really is a stubborn little soul though and some times are harder than others, the same thing doesn’t work every time. So as a mummy you have to think on your feet and be a bit creative. Sometimes I try and persuade him to chase his ball and give it a good kick, other times I tempt him to come with me with the promise of watching the cars and buses from the top of the pedestrian bridge near our house.

It doesn’t always work though, no matter how creative you try to be! The other day I tried to pretend that Postman Pat was eating and enjoying the dinner that Monkey had turned his nose up at… he laughed and thought it was funny but it certainly didn’t make him want to eat his dinner! Boo 🙁 haha ah well, you win some, you lose some!

A bit of creativity can help make your little one feel better when they are hurt or scared too. A friend’s little girl bumped herself coming down the slide and it must have hurt as she was really unhappy. Her clever mummy then announced that a fairy had come and given her some magic cream to make it feel better. She pretended to dab it on and her little girl instantly felt better. It’s amazing the power their imaginations have!

I also find you have to be quite creative when it comes to play ideas and keeping little ones entertained and to help develop those skills. The internet of course is a wonderful place to help find these activities as there are lots of mummies out there who are far more creative than I am! I have found all sorts of things that I would never have come up with on my own, such as Playing with Hair Rollers, Threading cheerios onto Spaghetti, and Ice Cube Painting to name a few!

Being creative can also help with the financial side of parenting, as raising kids can be really expensive! Whether it is using household objects as toys, rummaging in the sales, or bargain hunting on ebay or at car boot sales, using your imagination can help when things get a bit tight.

I have realised that there are so many times that a little bit of creativity can massively help as a parent. Creativity really can be the key to keeping your little ones (and you) happy 🙂

What Creative gems can you share? Any diversionary tactics that work with your little ones to avert disaster (or tantrums)? Any magic remedies to fix a boo boo?

If you liked this post, why not have a look at the other posts in the survival kit: Perspective, Confidence and Resilience

Happiness to me #spreadalittlehappiness

Posted by Caroline Elliott

What makes me happy? My little boy, growing up, makes me so happy and so proud.

We seem (fingers crossed, touch wood) to have turned a corner with food. He’s not eating pasta yet but he is being a bit more adventurous and is eating sweet potato and baked beans again, which he had been refusing. He also ate some yummy soup for the first time on Thursday. This makes me happy. He loves feeding himself with a spoon too, which makes both he and I happy! 🙂

He’s also been really brave and been trying new things. It may sound daft but for as long as I can remember he has hated being in a ball pool, but on Friday, he wanted to go in the ball pool and loved it! Made me so proud and happy.

In the same vein, he has never been a child to go in a ride-on car, or sit on/in anything you move with your feet, he always kicks his legs massively if you tried to put him in/on one, he just hates it. Not sure if he felt too confined or what. But this week, for the first time in a long time, he sat inside a car for ages and tried to figure out how to make it go. That made me really happy.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but watching him grow up is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. People always say that, but I didn’t feel it when he was younger, now though I am truly starting to appreciate how rewarding being a mummy can be.

What else makes me happy? Toddler giggles! It is just the best sound in the world to me!

/div>

Feeling saddened by the judgement we face as parents

Posted by Caroline Elliott

I am linking up to ‘The Prompt.’ A wonderful Link up hosted by the lovely Sara at MumturnedMom.

This week’s Prompt is “I was Saddened by…” and I have really struggled to know what to write for this, or whether to write at all. There is a lot of sadness in the world, and for my part, I would say I have had more than my fair share of sadness at times, however I am not ready to write about those times, at least not yet and not here. I started this blog to chart my journey into becoming a stay at home mum, and whatever I write, I want it to be true to that theme.

So after a lot of thought about what saddens me in the world of parenting, I realised that one of the things that saddens me the most is that when you become a parent, you enter a whole new world of judgement. There is something about being a parent that makes people feel entitled to judge you, and no matter what you do or however hard you try, it always seems that somebody, somewhere, is judging you for it.

It starts when you are pregnant – and you can be judged on how much weight you’ve gained, what you are eating, whether you are exercising. And you can be judged either way by different groups of people. I have written about how I struggled with pregnancy and I have never felt so judged in my life, as I truly believe some people thought I was just putting it on. Then, when thinking about the birth, will you want pain relief, or will you ‘tough it out?’ If you want a natural, painkiller free birth, some will say you are naive, if you want pain relief, others say you’re a wimp or something. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I’m not even going to get into the breastfeeding/formula feeding debate! And it by no means ends there – weaning, with purees or babyled? Sleep training? How much TV does your little one watch? Are you in a routine? Then as they get older it becomes about discipline and how well they eat. There is judgement about whether you choose to go back to work – with studies about how being in nursery or childcare is bad for your child. Then if you stay at home you are judged for being a sponger or of lower intelligence for not wanting to go to work.

The judgement comes from everywhere. Well meaning family and friends. Healthcare professionals, midwives. The media, politicians. Everywhere you look there is someone who has an opinion about the best way you should be raising your child. It leads to so much worry and doubting yourself because it is so easy to take all this judgement to heart and feel that you are clearly not doing something right, when I think that all any of us are doing is trying to do the best for our children.

What really saddens me though is the fact that it is everywhere. As a society is this really what we are like? That we judge people for everything that they do? Do we all think that we are so perfect that we therefore have the right to judge others? Whatever happened to people in glass houses not throwing stones? Whatever happened to supporting each other? To respecting others wishes for how they choose to live their lives or raise their children?

I guess there is a flip side to this. There are always so many stories in the press about children being harmed. Harmed by family members, or parents whose job it is to protect them. Being harmed by the people they trust most in the world. I read something recently about how we should all be responsible to report something wrong when we see it. To step in before something dreadful happens. Of course I can see the logic in this, if making a judgement about a family and the way they treat their child may protect that child from harm.

I worry though, where to draw the line? Wasn’t there a story recently where somebody called the police because they saw a mother and child out on the seafront and thought the child was too cold? The police went, but was it a waste of their time? Should we put more trust in the mother that she is looking after a child? Or should we report every tiny worry? I guess it’s a case of the acts of the minority of bad people affecting the lives of the many,who would never harm a hair on their children’s heads.

Is this even the same thing though? Is judging someone for whether they wean with purees or do BL weaning really comparable to judging someone for something that may be a sign they are harming their child? If a parent chooses to go back to work because they feel it will enable them to provide a better life for their child, should we judge them for that? Likewise if a parent chooses to stay at home to raise their child because they feel that is the best option for them, do they deserve to be judged for it? Where does this judgement come from? I don’t believe that these judgements are based on worrying what is best for the child, so where does it come from? Is it about protecting ourselves? Are we judging the way others choose to parent in order to convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing? Why can’t we support each other while accepting that we choose to do some things differently. Does there have to be a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way?

I don’t know what the answer is to any of this, I really don’t. Can you offer support to someone who you think is struggling without them feeling judged? I’d like to think you can, but in reality I’m not so sure. The more I think about it, the more I realise that this judgement isn’t confined to the world of parenting as throughout society people are judged. Judged by their looks, by how much money they make, by their gender or sexuality. Maybe it’s just a part of human nature. Maybe I just feel more judged now because of the weight of responsibility that is raising a child.

It saddens me…

Do you feel judged as a parent? Where do think it comes from?

Different toys for girls and boys?

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Just some random musings from me about this really. I read a few weeks ago that Marks and Spencer are removing all gender specific labelling and packaging from their toys, so there won’t necessarily be a ‘pink’ section or a ‘blue’ section in their toy departments. The comments I read about this news story were so varied and it got me thinking as it is also quite relevant to Monkey at the moment.

Does it matter if some toys are marketed to boys and others to girls? Does that reinforce gender stereotypes or does it just show that most boys prefer some types of toys, and most girls like other types? On the one hand boys and girls are different so what’s wrong with boys being boys and girls being girls? But then they are also all individuals and everyone is different regardless of gender. Therefore some boys and some girls may be interested in the same things sometimes.

Even though we knew we were having a baby boy we didn’t go and get everything blue. His room is yellow and multicoloured and his baby clothes were similar, a real mixed bag. We try to have the attitude that there are no boy colours and there are no girl colours, there are just colours. Not everyone feels this way though, my mum and step-dad have semi-jokingly moaned in the past that Monkey has ‘girly’ stickers because there are some pink ones in the sticker book that say princess, as well as ones of digger trucks and dinosaurs. My response is that they are the cheapest stickers I have found (£1 for 2000) and neither Monkey or I care what colour they are. Besides, Pink wasn’t even thought of as a ‘girly’ colour until about the 1940’s!

Then a few days ago I was out with Monkey at a local shopping centre with our cheap basic buggy (which happens to be a bright purple colour). He was playing by a ride on bus and another little boy was hanging around and talking to him. As we were about to leave he says ‘is that a boy or a girl?’ pointing at Monkey. I just smiled and told him he is a boy and then he says ‘well I just wondered because that (pointing to the buggy) is purple.’ He looked so serious as if a BOY in a PURPLE buggy was the most stupid thing he’s ever heard. Made me chuckle but also shake my head slightly.

It’s not just the colours of toys/clothes etc. but the toys themselves. Why should some toys be designated as for boys while others for girls. Can a woman not work on construction? Or a man not work in a kitchen? Of course they can. We are now much more equal as adults but seem to reinforce the stereotypes when it comes to children for some reason. Why shouldn’t they be free to play with whatever toy interests them at that time without them being labelled as for girls or for boys. When hubby was little he had a ‘home corner’ and loved his toy kitchen and iron etc. and what is wrong with that?

Monkey does love a lot of his ‘boy’ toys, cars and trains are two of his favourites. Then on a play-date last week he was obsessed with my friend’s little girl’s dolls house. He played with it for ages! It reminded me of the news story about Marks and Spencer. It also reminded me that I had a doll’s house stored at my brother’s that our uncle made me when I was a little girl. I asked my brother to bring it round and Monkey loves it! It’s quite well worn and the door and a couple of windows are missing but Monkey has been finding it hilarious posting people through the windows and putting his Postman Pat and Mrs Goggins dolls in the beds and on the chairs. I guess you would categorise a doll’s house in the girl toys section but I don’t see any reason why boys can’t enjoy it too.

We’ve also been finding recently that rather than sit in his buggy, Monkey sometimes like to push it along (being a 3 wheeler one it then tends to bash into fences, bushes, people, etc. great fun…). So I decided to buy him a doll’s pushchair. Another traditionally ‘girly’ toy but again he loves it and is pushing his teddy round the house with glee. We also bought him a little tea set ages ago and he loves toy tea parties and pretending to pour the tea, stir the tea and drink the tea. It’s learning about life so why is that more for girls than for both?

It goes both ways and a lot of my friend’s little girls love cars and trains etc. so maybe I agree with toy packaging being less gender specific… though I’m not sure if that will suddenly stop people considering some toys as boys’ toys and others as girls’, but maybe it would be a step in the right direction?

What do you think? Should boys not play with girls toys and girls not play with boys toys? Or should they be free to play with whatever they enjoy most at that time?

Is it my fault?

Posted by Caroline Elliott

This post is inspired by ‘The Prompt,’ a fantastic idea by the lovely MumturnedMom. This week’s prompt is the following quote:

“Guilt to motherhood is likes Grapes to Wine”

This seems to describe my life quite well as we have a few worries with Monkey at the moment -Shyness, Fussy Eating and Lack of Speech. With each of these three things, I keep asking myself, is it my fault? Have I encouraged these behaviours? Am I not doing a good enough job? I feel guilty that potentially decisions I have made over the past 19/20 months have led to these attributes.

Is he shy because he is with me all the time? Would he be more social if he was at nursery? Or would that make the shyness worse? We go to toddler groups and on play-dates every week. He spends time with people other than me every day most weeks. We see both sets of Grandparents every week, he has 4 doting uncles who he sees regularly. We go to play-centres and baby cafes. He mixes regularly with children older than him, younger than him and the same age, and yet he is terrified of strangers, hates me to leave him, even for a second (though he is usually ok with daddy or grandparents) and even sometimes gets scared of other toddlers who he sees regularly. Is it just his nature or is he picking something up from me?

The fussy eating particularly does my head in. I worked so hard in the first year of his life to make sure he ate a huge variety of food and he loved most things! Not everything but nearly. Then 13 months came round and boom, no more pasta. No more broccoli, or really much fresh fruit or veg at all. The list goes on. I have read repeatedly that fussy eaters aren’t born, but that they are created by their parents. My question to this is, HOW? If it is my fault how did I do it? Where did I go wrong?? As the problem has got worse I know there has been times I have exacerbated it by being stressed and putting pressure on him. I know that and am trying very hard to remove those aspects from mealtimes in a bid to help this fussiness. But where did it come from in the first place? Where did I go wrong?

I also worry hugely about the lack of speech. I am terrified of the fact that he may not be speaking by his 2 year check and the judgement I will get from the Health Visitor. I have again read repeatedly that delayed speech is a sign of the parents not communicating enough, not helping them learn to speak. That toddlers who speak well at this age are a credit to their parents. So is it my fault that he doesn’t use words yet? We have read to him daily since he was a newborn. We sing constantly, make up the daftest rhymes for mundane daily tasks. Sing his favourites – ‘wind the bobbin’ and ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ millions of times as well as introducing him to many other rhymes. We talk all of the time! I was talking to my lovely neighbour a few days ago and she laughed and said that hubby and I are two of the chattiest people she knows, so it can’t be through lack of talking to him. Do we not give him a chance to speak? We listen, we encourage but we don’t want to pressure him either.

I know lots of kind people who have said they didn’t talk until they were three and there was no long term problems at all. Everyone seems to know someone who was a late speaker so why do I worry about it so much? He is getting closer, I know he is. There has been a few times recently where his babble has been a bit too close to a word to be coincidental. For example when Daddy said ‘in a minute,’ Monkey got cross and ran across the room shouting na naaaa, which could have been a ‘no now!’?? Am I just clutching at straws? I just worry that despite our best efforts that the delay is somehow our fault. That he watches too much telly. That I don’t talk to him enough maybe? Does he not talk because he already gets what he needs from us? He shakes his head, he points, he pulls us to where he wants us to go. He lets me know it is time for his nap by cuddling me and waving. By doing what he asks silently are we not encouraging him enough to use words instead? Oh who knows.

Guilt. My life as a mummy seems to be riddled with it.

On the reserve side he does so well with so many other aspects and yet I struggle to feel proud. I give him more credit than I give myself. It is so easy to feel guilty, but much more difficult to feel proud of myself. Proud of him, yes, but me? No.

He is such a good sleeper and has been ever since we did the cry and wait technique at 4 months old. Did we do that? Or did we just help him achieve it sooner? Would he have got there anyway? He is very coordinated. He walked early and now runs a lot. He kicks a ball really well and has a seriously strong throw. His fine motor controls are fantastic too and he threads spaghetti through his sand sieve with ease. He loves drawing and painting and is really good at it now. He feeds well from a spoon and has a good stab with his fork. He’s great at putting his coat on and his learning with his trousers and tops.

He understands sooo much. If I say “sit on the step so I can put your shoes on”, he trots off to the step and sits down. If I say “Shall we go upstairs to get dressed?” He takes my hand and takes me upstairs. He knows where his relatives live, if we walk past the path to Uncle Simon’s house he points and says ‘er er er’, the same goes to the paths leading to Grandma and Granddad’s house. He can point out the animals in his favourite books.

For the most part he is such a wonderful, happy little monkey that I push all of this guilt and worry to the side and enjoy the time I have with him. I tell myself that he will learn to speak when he is ready. That the fussy eating and shyness are just phases he is going through. That I am doing my best. But I never quite manage to convince myself.

I’m sure that these worries will pass and be replaced by others but Guilt, I think, is to be a lifelong companion. That, and Wine 🙂

BaSAHM Survival Kit – Resilience

Posted by Caroline Elliott

The second instalment in the Becoming a Stay at Home Mum Survival Kit Series – All the things I think you need if you are going to survive becoming a stay at home mum! Next up, Resilience.

When I say resilience I guess what I mean is confidence in your belief that being a stay at home mum is the right thing for you to do. To not give in to doubts or be swayed by the opinions of others. Sounds simple but it can be very hard at times. The term ‘stay at home mum’ is a relatively new one, that replaces other labels such as ‘housewife’ and ‘home-maker’. In the not too distant past, being the housewife or the home-maker was the norm and it was much more unusual for women to continue working once they had children. We’ve come a long way since then. Working mothers are now much more common and stay at home mums have become the minority.

As I have said before I don’t know that one way is better than another, we each have to do what is right for us and our family. However being in the minority can be difficult as there seems to be a lot of people who struggle to understand why you want to be a stay at home mum. I am talking about mums as I am a mum but I am sure it is just the same, if not worse for some stay at home dads as they are even more of a minority group.

What am I talking about? Well when I speak to old colleagues and tell them I am a stay at home mum there is kind of an ‘oh’ moment and ‘ok, ‘sometimes a ‘what do you do all day?’ and recently ‘what will you do when the kids go to school?’ As if being a stay at home parent somehow tarnishes your record and you’ll never be part of the workforce again. Heaven forbid that you might not want to be part of the workforce, and that you might enjoy being a stay at home parent!

The opinion I struggle the most with is the suggestion that being a stay at home parent somehow means that you have a lower IQ or something. For example, when working mummies say that being a stay at home parent isn’t ‘enough’ for them and they need something more for themselves. That is fair enough and I understand they may feel like that and don’t think any less of them for it. Yet when it is turned around I have found some people are so confused why it is ‘enough’ for me right now. During a play-date conversation a couple of months ago another mum thought I said I was going back to work and immediately jumped in with an “Oh I am glad, you’re like me, you need something more.” It was really awkward having to say, no, um I’m not going back to work. I’m sure I will one day but not right now. I’m fine, and the fact that I want to stay at home to raise my children doesn’t make me any less intelligent.

Most of the time these things don’t bother me and people can think what they like. But sometimes it gets to me and the doubts creep in, so you have to be resilient enough to not let them get to you. To stand firm in your decision. I’ve written before about how hard it is to be proud of being a stay at home mum, to avoid risking offending someone so it’s not about saying that I’m right and other people are wrong. It’s just about having the resilience to listen to their opinions but not let them get to you or make you think you are doing the wrong thing or that you are somehow lesser because you don’t work .

Thankfully not everyone thinks like that. I also have mummy friends who say they enjoy work because it’s easier than being with the kids all day and less exhausting, who tell me they don’t know how I do it!

It’s not just about other people’s opinions either, a series of difficult days can beat you down to the point where you think that maybe it isn’t the right decision. Going through a rough patch with food or sleep etc. can leave you wondering if maybe it would be better for both you and your child if you were at work and they were at nursery or a childminders, being looked after by people who know what they are doing. So you have to be resilient enough not to let the bad days drag you down. After all there is going to bad days no matter whether you are a working parent or stay at home parent. You have to dust yourself down, think about why you have chosen to be a stay at home parent and have the strength to see it through.

I’m not saying I manage this all the time – after all my blog is about becoming a stay at home mum rather than being one! It’s something I am getting better at though. Maybe if I reach the point where I don’t doubt myself or don’t care about other people’s opinions/comments that I will feel like I am a stay at home mum – rather than just someone who is trying to be one!

What do you think?

If you liked this post, why not have a look at the other posts in the survival kit: Perspective, Confidence and Creativity

Fussy eater update – feeling full of anxiety and guilt – 19 months old

Posted by Caroline Elliott

You may have gathered from my recent blog that we are still having issues with Monkey’s fussy eating. I haven’t written about it for a while as I don’t want to go on about the same thing all the time, but it seems to be consuming my waking hours (and keeping me awake at night) at the moment so I need to get some of these thoughts down on paper. At the end of my last post about mealtime issues, things seemed to be on an upward trend… but somewhere along the line things have gone downhill again. I’m not sure even how really, these things happen quite gradually I think.

We just suddenly realised we were really struggling at mealtimes again so hubby and I had a good chat about it. We realised that we had been subconsciously pandering to him and his eating whims. For an easy life we’d been cutting out meals that we knew he wouldn’t eat and eating more of the things we know he eats well. It’s not all junk food or anything, his favourite meals are curries. An Indian one we make, and a Thai yellow curry. He loves dried fruits and nuts ( I think maybe he wants to be a child of the forest!) and he will always eat peanut butter on toast. But he hasn’t eaten pasta in over 6 months now, and some of his recent favourite foods are now losing their appeal. He won’t even eat baked beans any more which he loved until recently. He will only eat eggs scrambled – not boiled, fried or even in an omelette.

So we re-read loads of advice on the subject to work out how we can help him grow out of this phase. We don’t want to get to the stage where he is eating the same meal day in and day out because let’s face it, it’s not healthy. It also makes things hugely difficult to ever eat at someone else’s house or go out for dinner or have a life and you run the risk of it extending into childhood and adulthood and you end up with an adult who never eats fruits or vegetables or who has an eating disorder or something. Maybe I am worrying too much about extreme cases but I just want my little boy to grow up healthily. So as of this week we have decided to be firmer and follow the advice we have found. To offer him a variety of healthy, tasty food, and leave it up to him whether he eats it. No attention if he kicks up a fuss, no cajoling, persuading and definitely no force feeding. Also, no alternatives. If he doesn’t eat his meal he doesn’t get anything till the next snack/mealtime. It sounds simple but I am finding it really hard.

I’m not talking about forcing him to eat food he doesn’t like but the problem is that he refuses to even try food. Even foods he absolutely loved a few months ago now he either prods in disgust then pushes it away from him shaking his head, or won’t even look at or touch and just sits crying until we let him down. The problem is that my mummy instincts kick in and I just want to give him some food he likes so that I know he has eaten and will be happy. But I can’t, I have to be strong, it’s horribly hard right now but surely it’s for the best in the long term?

We never normally have much of a problem at breakfast but lunchtimes I have recently just been giving him food that he likes, taking the easy route, to make sure he has had enough energy to get through the day really and to make my life easier. This week though it has to change and I have been giving him a few different things, including some things he used to love but now won’t eat. We’ve also been cutting down the amount he eats for snacks, as he seems to have taken another step in his development and his appetite isn’t quite what it used to be. He used to not manage without regular snacks, whereas now he eats a lot less. We can’t expect him to eat his meals if he is full up from snacks and he needs to get his nutrition from his meals really. So this is how our week has gone so far…

Monday actually got off to a surprisingly good start and he scoffed all of his lunch. I was prepared to be strong but he ate it all! Curried rice with bits of turkey, broccoli, cauliflower and carrot. Result! Dinner was sausages and pasta in a tomato sauce. He ate the sausages with no sauce on but wouldn’t eat anything else.

Tuesday lunch was pasta risotto, which he used to love but as expected he didn’t want to know. He didn’t eat a bite and kicked off massively. I was prepared for it though and actually he coped for the rest of the day much better than I expected. We went for a walk after lunch then came home and did some play-doh play, he had a nap at a normal time and slept really well. I was really surprised. We had Thai curry that night with added veg and he scoffed loads. Lovely day.

Wednesday we visited a friend for a play-date and so it was an easy lunch and a favourite, peanut butter sandwiches. He loves it so of course scoffed it and we both had lots of fun at their house, Mummy chatting with my friend and Monkey playing with his. Wednesday night was another dinner Monkey loved – until recently, breaded chicken breast with sweet potato, peas and green beans. Again, would not eat a bite. Was very tired all evening and woke up a few times in the night so I guess maybe he was hungry?

Thursday was a very difficult day. Even at breakfast he didn’t eat as much porridge as usual, and barely ate any snack either. Lunchtime came and he was really hungry. We had the same lunch as Monday but he picked and fussed and I broke. It had been a difficult morning after a difficult night and I got really cross. He tipped his food out everywhere and was sifting through then eating one grain of rice at a time. He wouldn’t take any off a spoon and I lost it. It’s just so frustrating that he won’t eat something he liked even a few days ago. I think it’s because I wasn’t prepared for it. And because maybe the week so far is taking it’s toll on both of us. Anyway I got really cross and broke my rules, tried to persuade him and then because I knew I had lost my cool I tried to walk off and calm down but that just made things worse so it ended up with both of us sitting and balling and I just felt like such a bad mummy! He ended up going for his nap earlier than normal because he was just so tired from lack of food.

He slept longer than I thought he would and has snack that afternoon was some dried banana and raisins, which of course, he scoffed. That night was beef meatballs with pasta in tomato sauce. He ate maybe half a meatball when we broke it up into crumb sized pieces but that was it. He was happy enough after tea though and slept better overnight.

I think in hindsight a lot of Thursday’s issues were my fault, I overreacted ta lunch because I was tired and in a bad mood myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though and I just hope I haven’t taken us back a step!

Today (Friday) we had a play date and unfortunately Monkey fell over and got himself a very nasty split lip, poor monkey 🙁 Anyway he did really well and ate his toast for lunch but not the scrambled egg. No idea why, he wouldn’t even touch the egg, but I have resolved to have a much calmer attitude about it and not to let it get to me again like it did yesterday. I have to have faith that he will eat when he is hungry and will hopefully grow out of this phase. I can’t be stressed like I was yesterday otherwise that is going to cause more problems.

Anyway, that is the plan, I will keep you posted! Have you ever struggled with a fussy eater? How did you get past it? Or did you not get past it?

BaSAHM Survival Kit – A little Perspective

Posted by Caroline Elliott

This is the first in a new series entitled the Becoming a Stay At Home Mum’s Survival Kit. All the things I have found you need if you are going to survive becoming a stay at home mum! First up, A little perspective.

Picture the scene: A Saturday morning play date for a little one’s first birthday. There are 4 mummies and between us we have 6 children aged between 9 months and just under 3. Chaos but lots of fun. Monkey, still chronically shy has clung to me like a limpet ever since we arrived. If I tempt him off me to play with a toy he is no more than arm’s reach away and if I shift position even slightly he reattaches to me, terrified I am going to leave. Lunchtime comes and Monkey is already sat on my lap at the table doing some drawing. On the menu is perfect simple party fare, a cheesy pizza. I sigh with relief because I think that as Monkey likes pizza, that he will eat and enjoy it and then he may relax.

Instead he touches bits to his lips, and puts it down, turns it around in his hands and then looks at it in disgust. Here we go again, but with Pizza? What? Another food to add to the list of foods he won’t eat?? Same goes for the chips that come next. Then, because he is hungry, the ear rubbing starts and then the wailing and screaming because he is hungry but doesn’t want to eat the food in front of him. I can feel my blood boiling and set my face and try not to react to him or get upset. My lovely friends are hugely supportive and share similar stories to reassure me. I try to ignore it for a while, which really doesn’t work. So I take him out of the situation and give him big cuddles and try to calm him down, but if anything the wailing gets worse! Back into the kitchen where, after quite a lot more wailing, he gets distracted by magnetic fridge letters next to us and the crying slows to whimpers while he starts to play.

Cue lovely support from my friends and more sharing of tips and their experiences, it helps so much, and then one of my friends shifts the subject slightly to their recent issues with getting their little ones to sleep, and suddenly I have the thing I have been missing throughout the previous trauma, perspective! Time to count my blessings. Yes we have issues with Monkey over food sometimes (not always, last night for example he scoffed chicken, potato, chickpeas and rice in a lovely curry which was actually quite spicy!) but on the whole we are very lucky and he is a good boy. I know things can change all the time and I am probably tempting fate by even thinking this, let alone writing it down and sharing with the world! He sleeps solidly overnight and has done since he was only a few months old, bar the odd poorly night or bad dream now and then. In general he is well behaved and listens when mummy and daddy tell him not to do something (within reason, I don’t expect him to be perfectly behaved and if anything I like the strong willed times too as it shows strength of character), he’s not a crybaby and doesn’t create a fuss if he bumps his head or falls down unless he has really hurt himself.

So in that moment, where I had felt tears pricking at my eyes and my blood boiling, I suddenly felt a wave of relief. That doesn’t mean that the problems with food aren’t worth worrying about, of course not. But what I realised in that moment, is that at those times, when it feels like the end of the world, I have to remember that it isn’t. It’s a challenge yes but hopefully not one that can’t be overcome. When I feel like a failure as a mother because I just don’t understand why he won’t eat sometimes, I have to remember that I am doing my best and that all mums feel like this, even if not about the same issue. Just because another child eats well, they may not sleep well, or may other ‘issues’ to overcome. As my friend went on to say, they can’t be perfect all the time.

I hate to give in when he won’t eat perfectly good food, the rule at home is eat what is there or eat nothing. But at someone else’s house, I have to soften the hard line a little, mainly for my sake so I can relax a little. So he ate some sultanas, dried apple and dried cranberries, because he will always eat dried fruit, no matter what. Honestly I think he would live off fruits and nuts if I let him, which while isn’t the worst food in the world, it isn’t exactly a varied diet and wouldn’t solve the problem. But it cheered him up sufficiently and he did enjoy the party a little more after that thank goodness!

The point I am making to myself is take a breath and look at the problem/challenge in perspective. Whatever the worry at that time, it won’t last forever and things could always be a lot worse so I need to count my blessings rather than picking faults and worrying too much.

If you enjoyed reading, why not have a look at the other posts in my Survival Kit series? Resilience, Confidence and Creativity.

A Magic Moment with Monkey

Posted by Caroline Elliott

After a lovely Christmas we unfortunately had a poorly New Years. I came down with a head cold with nasty sinus pain and sadly hubby and Monkey followed suit so it wasn’t the happiest couple of days! However, thank goodness for Calpol, Lemsips and Sudafed (not all together!) we had some happy times too. Hubby managed to catch this lovely happy moment between Monkey and I on New Year’s Eve that I thought I would share.

Granny bought him a book that both hubby and I remember from our childhood’s as being the ‘where’s ducky?’ book and it is as lovely as we remember it. It is also great for encouraging Monkey to speak and it’s lovely sitting together pointing at things and labelling them by saying the words.

As you can see we were having lovely Monkey and Mummy time, which is rarely caught on camera.

Remembering my first pregnancy and struggling with SPD

Posted by Caroline Elliott

Approx. 8 months pregnant

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, we are starting to think about having another baby. This has got me thinking about pregnancy and taken me on a little trip down memory lane to what my first pregnancy was like. Before I got pregnant I have to admit that I was a bit judgemental about women who had difficult pregnancies and thought seriously how hard can it be? One of my best friends had such a smooth pregnancy and I naively thought that every pregnancy was the same and that it was a lovely happy healthy time where women bloom.

Then I got pregnant, and oh how wrong I was and how I regretted being so judgemental in the past!

It was difficult from the off as I had really terrible morning sickness (more like all day, every day sickness) and just crippling exhaustion that made me feel like the living dead. I was useless at work (not great when you have just been promoted) and had so much time off sick. I also had to stop driving after a while as this zombie-ness really made me feel unsafe on the roads, and after a few too-near misses I eventually stopped driving (and I love driving so I just wasn’t myself at all). This led to me feeling very depressed and in the end I was signed off work until my maternity leave began. I was already planning to leave at the very earliest point you can take maternity leave, but I finished a few weeks before that in the end as I was seriously struggling to cope.

As I started to feel a little less exhausted and sick, the slight nagging pain in my pelvis that I had ignored started to get steadily worse. I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction), which is due to the pregnancy hormone Relaxin. This is supposed to help your bones and ligaments make room for the baby, but unfortunately in some of us, this hormone causes our pelvis to relax too much, causing a lot of pain as the join at the front of your pelvis (the symphysis pubis) pulls too far apart. I saw a physio who told me to keep my knees together at all times during my pregnancy, and she even suggested I tie my knees together overnight so they didn’t come apart while I slept. Climbing stairs was a nightmare and soon just walking was agony, even at snail speed so I ended up on crutches. I wasn’t even allowed to go swimming as my pelvis was too unstable.

Monkey trying to get out the wrong way! Two days before birth

The other issue we had is that apparently I have a bicornuate uterus, which basically means I have a sort of heart shaped uterus and makes a breech birth much more likely. We didn’t know this at the time and did all sorts to try and turn Monkey (including the doctors trying to forcibly turn him, which we couldn’t possibly know would never work as he was stuck in one side of my uterus). So all plans of a nice water birth went out the window and we had a caesarean, which is how they saw that I have a bicornuate uterus.

Of course I know that in many ways we were very lucky, Monkey had no problems at all, and there was no scary risk factors in terms of either his life or mine and of course I would rather feel some discomfort than have any more serious problems. But from start to finish, it wasn’t great. I can truly say I never got the pregnancy glow that people talk about and I’m not looking forward to going through it again. Hopefully the nausea and exhaustion won’t be as bad next time. I won’t be working silly hours in a stressful job so I definitely have an advantage there. Plus that kind of thing can vary a lot from pregnancy to pregnancy so fingers crossed I won’t feel so bad second time round. Because of my strange uterus I have a 50/50 chance of another breech baby, which would definitely mean another caesarean, so we will just have to wait and see with that one and I guess what will be will be.

On crutches at a wedding – look at the size of me – approx 8 months pregnant.

But the SPD, by all accounts is likely to reappear. I have heard that not everyone gets it again, but in most cases if you have had it once you are apparently likely to get it again, with the symptoms appearing sooner and progressing faster, so I have that to look forward to! I still get the odd twinge every month before my period so I have to prepare myself for the worst I think (then I may get pleasantly surprised, who knows?), but I am doing everything I can to try and prepare for it though. I was a bit overweight before I even got pregnant last time, which can’t have helped, so I have been steadily trying to get healthy before we start trying again. I am quite a bit lighter than I was last time so hopefully that will help by putting less pressure on my pelvis.

My exercises, stuck on the wardrobe to make sure I do them!

I also know the exercises I need to do to strengthen the muscles supporting my pelvis (the transverse abdominus and pelvic floor) and my new year’s resolution is to start doing these exercises every day so that I am in the best shape possible before I even get pregnant to at least try and limit the damage! I will also know what it is next time, so unlike last time where I ignored it for a while, and then tried to push through the pain and carry on as normal (apparently completely the wrong thing to do!) I will listen to my body and take it easy when I need to. Even though I will hate to do it!

I am worried about what all this will mean for Monkey, as he is such an active child and loves going for walks or running about, and I love doing those things with him. My best Christmas present is a nice pair of winter boots to keep my feet warm as we spend so much time outdoors! How is that going to work if I end up on crutches again? How will I keep him safe if I can’t run after him should he make a dash near a road? He is pretty good but you can never be too careful. If I have to stop driving again because I don’t feel safe how will we get to baby groups and go on play-dates?

Both sets of grandparents have already offered their assistance and I know will help out as much as they can. Hubby has also said that he will work from home more if he needs to so that he can help out. But I know that no matter how much help I get, I will struggle with the fact that I am not able to be the mummy I want to be, even if only for a few short months.

But needs must, and it was worth all of the hardships last time to have such a gorgeous little man at the end of it, and I’m sure it will be worth it to have another gorgeous little baba in my arms one day. Fingers crossed that all goes as well as can be hoped for!

Becoming a Stay at Home Mum

Can I really do this?

Parenting

Creativity is the Key – BASAHM Survival Kit

Happiness to me #spreadalittlehappiness

Feeling saddened by the judgement we face as parents

Different toys for girls and boys?

Is it my fault?

BaSAHM Survival Kit – Resilience

Fussy eater update – feeling full of anxiety and guilt – 19 months old

BaSAHM Survival Kit – A little Perspective

A Magic Moment with Monkey

Remembering my first pregnancy and struggling with SPD